peace

When “No” Stings

authenticity, Wellness /

Using Mental Fitness to Counteract Rejection Rejection. Ugghhhh, Just hearing the word can make your heart sink a little, right? It’s that annoying part of life that none of us can avoid, no matter how much we want to, and unless we plan on living as hermits, at some point no is inevitable. I used to be so terrified of no that I wouldn’t even try for things. But here is what I’ve learned, rejection isn’t the end of the road. In fact, it’s often just the beginning of a new, exciting path. Alright so let’s get into it. Let’s talk about how to handle rejection with grace, a bit of humor, and a whole lot of mental fitness. Rejection: It’s Not Personal First things first, let’s address the elephant in the room: rejection feels incredibly personal. But, research shows that most of the time, it’s not even about you. A study conducted by the University of California, Berkeley found that rejection is frequently influenced by factors beyond an individual’s control, such as organizational constraints, market conditions, or subjective preferences of decision-makers. What that means in plain English, is that most of the time people aren’t rejecting you the human. And even when they are rejecting you the human, it’s generally more about them than it is about you. Practicing mental fitness helps you to not only understand this, but to detach your self-worth from the “no”. In other words someone telling you no does not mean you are not worthy of the yes. You just can’t get it from them right now. No Doesn’t Have To Define You I know you are probably thinking it’s really easy to say that in an abstract context. I knew you would, so let’s look at three real life examples of folks who didn’t let no define or stop them from being their fullest and most authentic selves. Let’s start with the track star Sha’Carri Richardson. When Rejection Stings Rejection can sometimes sting and sometimes it can feel like you have been impaled by a stake. And I am not here to tell you how to feel or even what to feel. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but don’t park there. Don’t make the no your garage. There are steps you can take to move past the hurt in productive way. Last Word Ok so the point is, rejection is tough, but it’s not the end. It’s a stepping stone to something greater. So, the next time you face a “no,” learn from it, and keep moving forward. You’re not alone in this journey, we all face that no at some point in our lives. My goal is to help one million women to improve their mental fitness. I would love your help with that. If you found this post helpful – like, share, and subscribe to my blog to stay connected and inspired. If you or someone else needs to recover your joy and purpose, check out my judgement free coaching options. And finally I would love it if you follow me on Instagram for more uplifting content. Stay strong, stay positive, and keep chasing your dreams! Sources:

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Committee in My Head (cont’d.)

3 Comments / Wellness /

Ok so let me begin with an apology. I told you on April 17, that I would introduce you to the rest of the committee in my head the following week. Well what had happened was…(just kidding). What happened was that my brain is healing which means there are times when I have to rest more than usual. In the last three weeks I have had to rest and stay off screens more and that means I had to deprioritize my blog. So I did. Thankfully, I am feeling better and I am back. So onward we go. Here is part two of the committee in my head. Grab your favorite beverage or snack and let’s chat. In addition to my protective posse that I shared with you back in April, I also have a group of thrivers that reside in my head. They help to pull me back from the edge when I follow one of the protectors down a rabbit hole. They help me to restore my peace when I experience an unexpected disruption. They quite frankly help me to be the best version of myself. When they are in the driver’s seat I am less judgmental of me and others, and that is always a good thing. Let me introduce you to them. That is it. That is the committee in my head. At any given moment of my day, I could be trying to calm one of the protectors down, so that a thriver could take first position. It takes practice to keep the protectors calm, but it is worth it. I didn’t enjoy always feeling annoyed, exhausted, afraid, or like a victim. I enjoy my day so much more and I feel centered when the thrivers are in control. There was a time when I felt like there was a hole in my soul that I could not fill, but leaning into my curiosity, grace, passion, purpose and creativity I have gotten that hole to shrink. It isn’t gone yet. It takes work. Leaning into my thrivers has shifted my focus from what I have acquired, or earned, or about other peoples’ recognition. My focus now is on my joy and on making sure that I leave others better than I found them. It takes work though, daily work, and honestly sometimes minute by minute work. But the payoff is worth it. At the end of the day I am no longer replaying interactions either ashamed of the way I thoroughly destroyed someone with my words, or feeling like I was victimized. I am in control now and in a way that allows me to be proud of who I am, while making space for other people to be authentic. So there, I have bared my soul to you in the hopes that this frees you in some way. Chocolate serenity for me is about a mindset of peace, liberation and joy. There is so much that women, especially women of color, are socialized and traumatized into enduring that simply waking up can leave us feeling weighted down. Whether what weighs us down is familiar or genuinely unique to each of us, there are ways that we can put them down. We just don’t always know how. For me, this is what helps. If you think this can help someone else, please share it with them. The goal is for us all to get to our version of chocolate serenity. Don’t forget to like and/or subscribe, and follow me on Instagram. And if you know someone who needs help finding their own peace I am happy to offer a complimentary coaching session. Have a great day.

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Committee in My Head

Wellness /

You probably read this title and had some reaction that had you questioning my sanity. I mean is there another way to think of someone who openly admits to having a committee in their head? But in this post I will introduce you to the committee in my head and then invite you to introduce me to yours. I promise you two things, (1) I am relatively sane, and (2) you also have a committee in your head. You may not refer to them as a committee, but I would be willing to bet serious money that they exist. Alright, let’s go. Oh and by the way, no judging me or my committee members and I won’t judge yours either. Meet My Protective Posse In my head there are several ‘people’ who have taken up residence over the years. To be clear they live rent free and for the most part and stroll around and share their unsolicited opinions like they own the place. Let me introduce some of them. There are other protectors that live in my head but they don’t come out to play as often. There is Restless Rhonda who is always looking for the next goal or challenge. She plays well with Odette. Then there is Doting Dolores who is a total people pleaser. She plays nice with Paula because when people don’t reciprocate Paula holds a pity party for me. And there is Overbearing Orla. She gets along well with Judith because she convinces me that if everyone would just do things my way then the world would be a better place. Ummm no judging – remember? Now, this posse aren’t the only tenants in my head. I’ve got a whole team of thrivers in there too. They’re the ones who talk some sense into the overprotective ones and convince them it’s time to chill out. Don’t get me wrong, the protectors did their job back in the day when I needed them. I probably wouldn’t have the degrees or career I have without them, so I give them props for that. But, for the most part I’ve outgrown their services. So, I’ve had to master the art of acknowledging their hard work and finding new work for them to do. They’re a sneaky bunch, though. Every time I think they’ve packed up and gone on to their new roles, they find their way back to their old desks and set up shop. The good news is, I’m the boss and so every time they sneak in, me my team of thrivers help me to give them a melatonin and have them take a seat. If I haven’t freaked you out yet, next week I will introduce you to my thrivers and tell you how they help me. In the meantime, tell me what you think. Who is on the committee in your head? Have you named them? If you aren’t sure about who they here is a great resource to help you identify them – Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. Here is the important thing to know, the protectors in your head don’t mean you harm. Chances are they have protected you and kept you safe at some important points of your life so don’t demonize them. And the committee in your head doesn’t have to be limited to your protectors, you can invite some thrivers in there too so that you can live your best life. I hope you no longer think I am left of center, and if you do that’s fine, all I ask is that you think it quietly. Whatever you think, Judith has probably already said. But if you can relate to this, talk back to me in the comments or on Instagram. What resonates? By the way if you are reading this and you think it will help someone else, drop a like and pass it on. Ultimately my goal is get us to a place of peace so that we all can find our version of chocolate serenity. Talk soon. Don’t forget to hit the subscribe button.

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Stop Focusing on Other People’s…

4 Comments / authenticity /

… I know. I know. It’s hard. But I got you. I just celebrated my 53rd birthday so I made you a list of 53ish things you can do instead. Feel free to borrow my list or make one of your own. But please, unsubscribe from other people’s opinions. It will never lead to your serenity. 53ish Things To Do Instead Oh and by the way just cause you are unsubscribing it doesn’t mean other people will stop sharing their opinions. Go ahead and pick a phrase you will use to respond to them that gives you peace. Mine is “Ok”. Here is how it works, Them: I don’t think you should do that. Me with a smile (while still living my life my way): Ok. Them: You don’t listen. Me still smiling: Ok Them: … (long suck teeth if they are from the Caribbean like me). Also them: walks away, changes the topic or gets quiet. Either way, I am still doing me, and this is the important part, with a smile. See you at the intersection of chocolate and serenity. Talk back to me in the comments or on Insta @chocolate.serenity. Let me know how you are unsubscribing from other people’s opinions.

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Connecting to Nature

2 Comments / Wellness /

As often as I can I take a walk to watch the sun rise or get to the beach to watch the sun set. It is so refreshing. What’s funny is that I am not an outdoor person. I don’t walk on grass unless I’m wearing closed shoes, and I definitely don’t sit on it. I hate bugs and don’t like being hot. So you get the picture. I am not one to extol the virtues of the great outdoors. Regardless of my aversion of the outdoors, the morning walks or evening walks near the water bring me joy. I love nothing more than a lazy day at the beach. Mind you I never get in the water, and I have to have my cabana cause I don’t like to be hot. But the proximity to the waves and soothing sound of them cresting on the shore calms me. In the morning when I walk I notice the birds, the leaves, the flowers, the rabbits and it all reminds me of how small I am in the world. And if I am small so are my challenges. So that morning walk sets me up for all I will face during the day. I never thought I’d be the one waxing poetic about nature. But it’s healing. There is so much more to life than my phone, computer, or work. That small pause daily reconnects me to my purpose and allows me to exhale.

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Centering Self

Wellness /

Prior to the pandemic I was really worried about the grind culture we were living amidst. It seemed like happiness was an elusive concept, especially for people of color. It was like we didn’t feel we had the latitude to pursue joy, and we actually celebrated overworking ourselves. I was honestly worried. Mental health and wellness had just started to be prioritized but it had not taken center stage pre-pandemic. Grinding – working ourselves at unhealthy paces and levels – in hopes that our work ethic would counteract the racist tropes about us is exhausting, and unproductive. Lately I have become more hopeful. Let me tell you why. I hear people of color talking more about pursuing peace more often than grinding themselves into the ground. I see black and brown people opting out more often, and prioritizing their own well-being as opposed to opting in to other people’s opinions of them. I see traditionally marginalized people seeking work life balance and centering themselves more than over working and over booking themselves, even if it means shifting jobs or careers. I see and hear people of Latinx and black diasporas naming joy as a goal more than ever before. I am definitely celebrating this trend towards wellness, especially for people who look like me. Its refreshing to see us give ourselves permission to center us. Even though we always knew it was important, we are now organizing our lives so that we can connect to self. I see more brown people working out, eating better, and politely declining so they can rest. And I am overjoyed. I hope that this trend continues and we don’t lose the importance of centering our focus on our own health and wellness. I am glad because it pays dividends for us and it is setting the next generation up nicely. I see the younger generation naming when they are tired and taking the opportunity to pause, instead of pushing themselves relentlessly. I see them shrinking their circles to prioritize authentic relationships and being kinder to themselves and investing less in validation from others. I see them making the connections between their wellness and the wellness of the community. I see them identifying and avoiding toxic behaviors. It’s refreshing. This trend of black and brown people prioritizing self-care means we are making space to connect to self and work towards a healthier life. It makes me smile. People say we are our ancestors wildest dreams, I think wellness honors all their sacrifices and takes us one step closer to mental freedom.

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Well Courage

Wellness /

I remember standing in the middle of a life that I wasn’t enjoying. It was my life, but it was not the life I wanted. I wasn’t feeling the way I wanted to feel, in my own life. I was frozen for a long time, too afraid to make the call that I knew would make my life better. So I stayed. I hated most moments of it, but I continued clinging to the familiar because the alternative was facing the unknown. I wish I could say that this was a one time event for me. It wasn’t. It takes courage to make a change. And sometimes courage takes time. I eventually made all the changes to improve my quality of life. But I waited until things got unbearable to move. Somehow the sheer frustration of living an unbearable life outweighed the fear of the unknown and I made the moves I needed to make. Maybe that’s the way courage works. Some catalyst propels you forward and even though you’re scared, you move, because not moving is no longer an option, but that is an unstable way for me to live. I learned from living through those experiences. I learned that everything has a cost – material, spiritual, social, emotional. I also learned the costs I was willing to pay to get the life I wanted. It took me a couple of tries. Eventually I learned to move before things got unbearable and saved myself a lot of pain. Lately this has been coming up for me again because I am trying to make a change in one area of my life and I have to be courageous to make it. Although intellectually, I know I don’t need hero sized courage to make this change, fear makes everything feel like I need hero sized courage. So I am at the stage where I am psyching myself up, reminding myself that I deserve to live the life I want, and planning my path to that life. I am not yet ready to move. Wish me courage to make this change and I wish you courage for your journey too. People always make it seem like courage is some magical thing that happens in a dynamic moment. A flash of courage has been known to happen, but in most of those situations there is an urgent situation that calls for that type of courage. I call that adrenaline courage. But there is also courage that is built methodically over time. I personally think the slower build is better. I think of this approach like digging a well of courage that you can always draw on when you need it. The situation I am facing calls for me to go to the well of courage. But I won’t sit in a miserable life anymore.

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