Using Mental Fitness to Counteract Rejection
Rejection. Ugghhhh, Just hearing the word can make your heart sink a little, right? It’s that annoying part of life that none of us can avoid, no matter how much we want to, and unless we plan on living as hermits, at some point no is inevitable. I used to be so terrified of no that I wouldn’t even try for things. But here is what I’ve learned, rejection isn’t the end of the road. In fact, it’s often just the beginning of a new, exciting path. Alright so let’s get into it. Let’s talk about how to handle rejection with grace, a bit of humor, and a whole lot of mental fitness.
Rejection: It’s Not Personal
First things first, let’s address the elephant in the room: rejection feels incredibly personal. But, research shows that most of the time, it’s not even about you. A study conducted by the University of California, Berkeley found that rejection is frequently influenced by factors beyond an individual’s control, such as organizational constraints, market conditions, or subjective preferences of decision-makers. What that means in plain English, is that most of the time people aren’t rejecting you the human. And even when they are rejecting you the human, it’s generally more about them than it is about you. Practicing mental fitness helps you to not only understand this, but to detach your self-worth from the “no”. In other words someone telling you no does not mean you are not worthy of the yes. You just can’t get it from them right now.
No Doesn’t Have To Define You
I know you are probably thinking it’s really easy to say that in an abstract context. I knew you would, so let’s look at three real life examples of folks who didn’t let no define or stop them from being their fullest and most authentic selves. Let’s start with the track star Sha’Carri Richardson.
- Sha’Carri Richardson’s Comeback: Sha’Carri Richardson faced a highly publicized setback when she was suspended from competing in the 2021 Tokyo Olympics due to a positive test for cannabis. Can you imagine how painful that must have been after she had trained for years for that opportunity? She became the punching bag of the interwebs even though the reason she did it was because she found out about her birth mother’s death via a reporter. The backlash was swift, toxic and very public. Instead of letting this rejection define her, Sha’Carri used it as fuel to come back stronger. She made a powerful return to the track, winning the 100m at the 2023 U.S. Championships and will compete at the Olympics next month in Paris. Sha’Carri is now the fastest woman in the world and is gracing the cover of August’s issue of Vogue. If the world of track and field is not inspiring for you, let’s take a look at Luvvie Ajayi Jones.
- Luvvie Ajayi Jones’ Journey to Success: Luvvie Ajayi Jones, the author and speaker is known for her wit and wisdom. But when she tried to get her first book published, she was turned down by multiple publishers before she finally got a “yes.” Her perseverance paid off, and she became a 4-timeNew York Times bestselling author with her books “I’m Judging You”, “Professional Troublemaker”, “Little Troublemaker Makes A Mess”, and “Rising Troublemaker”. Luvvie took her rejections as inspiration to teach other authors how to get published and formed her own book academy. Her journey is a testament to the power of persistence, believing in your voice, even when others don’t immediately see your vision, and then using your experience to open doors for others.
- Oprah Winfrey’s Rise: And then there is Oprah Winfrey. She was once told she was unfit for television news. And we know what that was about don’t we? She was demoted from her job as a news anchor because she was “too emotional”. Instead of letting that rejection define her, she was like watch me cook. She embraced her unique style and turned it into TV gold with her award winning talk show. And now she is one of the most influential media moguls in history. So sometimes no is a gift of knowledge that you can use to chart your own course.
When Rejection Stings
Rejection can sometimes sting and sometimes it can feel like you have been impaled by a stake. And I am not here to tell you how to feel or even what to feel. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but don’t park there. Don’t make the no your garage. There are steps you can take to move past the hurt in productive way.
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel hurt, disappointed, or even angry when you’re rejected. Feel your feels. Cry if you need to, vent to a friend, journal your thoughts, go axe throwing, play your hate and rage playlist. Oh am I the only one with a hate and rage playlist? If you don’t have one – get one. It’s important to honor your feelings in a healthy way. I am not a fan of bottling emotions because I believe they find a way out whether as emotions or physical illness. It is important to own your feelings to start healing from the sting. I remember getting dumped in a public park. Let me tell you something, I bawled my eyes out that day. Yet here I am in a happy relationship where I can be me. That rejection hurt but in the book of my life I am not sure it will be mentioned and if it is, it will only be a paragraph.
- Reframe the Rejection: After you get past the pain of the no, try to get under the hood of it. Get curious. Ask you yourself if this was a lesson for you and what you should be getting from it. I was rejected from a job by the person who chairs the board of an organization I later worked for, for a long time. Maybe I grew more, or maybe the circumstances then were just not right for me, but the point is I learned from that no. I got better at interviewing, learned how to market myself better and then went on to be an asset to the very person who rejected me. Maybe I am still a little salty about the first rejection. The point is “no” can steer you towards something better. And I am a firm believer that every no gets you closer to the “yes” and to be honest, that yes is what truly matters. So reframing the no as a closer step to your yes could move your focus from the hurt to what is to come.
- Learn from the Experience: Every single rejection has something to teach us. Whether it teaches us about ourselves, the situation or the other person, there is something to be learned. Take a step back and analyze the situation. What could you have done differently or better? What can you take from that situation as a win for your own personal growth? If you can ask for feedback, ask. I once applied for a job and I was turned down. I asked for feedback and they told me my cover letter was not long enough. I had used conventional wisdom that favored concision. But this industry wanted something a lot more detailed. Who knew? Use every no as an opportunity for growth and self-improvement. Maybe it’s what you will do going forward or maybe it’s what you won’t do, but learn from it. My mantra is if it costs me in anyway – time, effort, money, peace of mind – I am getting something out of it, even if it’s feedback.
- Stay Positive and Persistent: Keep a positive mindset. To be clear, I mean after you feel your feels. Again, I am not a fan of skipping over the emotions. But I am a huge fan of staying positive. It’s better for your physical and mental health, and you get less wrinkles. And don’t get me started on how learning to appreciate who you are and what you have, makes room for you to see opportunities to get more of what you want. When I realized that every body else is just as scared as I am, and the only difference between me and them was they were doing it scared, that was a game changer. If you accept that rejection is a part of life, you start to prepare for and expect it just like you prepare for and expect rain. I may not enjoy rain, but it has a job to do. It’s the same with rejection. Rejection’s job is to make you better, stronger, more prepared than you were before. Avoiding it keeps you stuck at your current level. When I was completing my last degree I was wrought with frustration about a B that I got in a class. My aunt asked me what title does the person who graduates at the bottom of the class get. I didn’t understand. Blame it on the fog of grad school, Don’t judge me. She reframed her question and asked me if the person who graduated at the top and the person who graduated at the bottom would get the same diploma. When I tell you that was the most freeing thing I had heard at that point in my life. I took my little B and skipped on to my next class without another thought about it. That B was not the thing that defined me and it never would be. Accept rejection as a part of the journey instead of allowing it to devastate you or stop you.
- Surround Yourself with Support: Lean on your trusted circle for support. Surround yourself with people who will hold space for you, call you on your BS, and encourage you when you need it. And be that for other people. Which one of us doesn’t need someone to be in our corner when we are hurting? Create a circle of trust so that when you are stung by the rejection you have people who will attend to you based on what you need. Please note the ‘based on what you need’. There are so many people who only want to share their hurts when you share yours – that’s not helpful when you feel rejected. On the other hand there are folks who want to wrap you in bubble wrap and never have you experience pain, also not helpful. Be thoughtful about curating a trusted circle that can be a salve to your wounded pride and uplift you. Sometimes, a little pep talk from someone who believes in you can make all the difference. And sometimes a libation and some snacks works too.
Last Word
Ok so the point is, rejection is tough, but it’s not the end. It’s a stepping stone to something greater. So, the next time you face a “no,” learn from it, and keep moving forward. You’re not alone in this journey, we all face that no at some point in our lives.
My goal is to help one million women to improve their mental fitness. I would love your help with that. If you found this post helpful – like, share, and subscribe to my blog to stay connected and inspired. If you or someone else needs to recover your joy and purpose, check out my judgement free coaching options. And finally I would love it if you follow me on Instagram for more uplifting content.
Stay strong, stay positive, and keep chasing your dreams!
Sources:
- University of California, Berkeley. “Understanding Rejection: The External Factors at Play.” Journal of Social Psychology, 2020.
