Black womanhood

Well Courage

Wellness /

I remember standing in the middle of a life that I wasn’t enjoying. It was my life, but it was not the life I wanted. I wasn’t feeling the way I wanted to feel, in my own life. I was frozen for a long time, too afraid to make the call that I knew would make my life better. So I stayed. I hated most moments of it, but I continued clinging to the familiar because the alternative was facing the unknown. I wish I could say that this was a one time event for me. It wasn’t. It takes courage to make a change. And sometimes courage takes time. I eventually made all the changes to improve my quality of life. But I waited until things got unbearable to move. Somehow the sheer frustration of living an unbearable life outweighed the fear of the unknown and I made the moves I needed to make. Maybe that’s the way courage works. Some catalyst propels you forward and even though you’re scared, you move, because not moving is no longer an option, but that is an unstable way for me to live. I learned from living through those experiences. I learned that everything has a cost – material, spiritual, social, emotional. I also learned the costs I was willing to pay to get the life I wanted. It took me a couple of tries. Eventually I learned to move before things got unbearable and saved myself a lot of pain. Lately this has been coming up for me again because I am trying to make a change in one area of my life and I have to be courageous to make it. Although intellectually, I know I don’t need hero sized courage to make this change, fear makes everything feel like I need hero sized courage. So I am at the stage where I am psyching myself up, reminding myself that I deserve to live the life I want, and planning my path to that life. I am not yet ready to move. Wish me courage to make this change and I wish you courage for your journey too. People always make it seem like courage is some magical thing that happens in a dynamic moment. A flash of courage has been known to happen, but in most of those situations there is an urgent situation that calls for that type of courage. I call that adrenaline courage. But there is also courage that is built methodically over time. I personally think the slower build is better. I think of this approach like digging a well of courage that you can always draw on when you need it. The situation I am facing calls for me to go to the well of courage. But I won’t sit in a miserable life anymore.

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Starting Over for Health’s Sake

Wellness /

New beginnings can be exciting when you choose them. But what about when the new beginning is a result of a health related condition? When your body either starts, or stops doing something? Whether gradual or sudden, having to adjust how your body functions, and how you function in your body, can be a rocky new beginning. Learning that you have a health condition can be stressful by itself, making the necessary adjustments to correct or manage the condition can add to that stress. Oddly enough, we as a society don’t talk about that stress. The general sentiment is that we should celebrate being alive to make the adjustment. But two things can be true at the same time. We can be grateful that we are alive to make the adjustment and feel the stress of it. Adjusting to living with a health condition could mean changing what you eat, the frequency and intensity with which you do things, how you do or don’t use your body, adding medication, managing the side effects of medication, managing changes to your appearance and so much more. Some of these adjustments can be exhausting and downright scary. Yet there is not a lot of grace for folks who are starting those journeys. Health related life adjustments have become so normal that our empathy has decreased when folks have to make that pivot. It seems that we reserve our empathy for what we deem major illnesses, or for the elderly who have to make those adjustments. It’s as if there is a limited supply of empathy that must be reserved for special people or situations. I know it doesn’t feel like a big deal, but have you ever tried to give up sugar? There is hidden sugar in almost all of our foods. And yes I know that there are more sugar free options, but it isn’t an easy to find foods that fit that requirement. Not to mention the irritability and headaches when you first start out. How about taking a medication that caused rapid weight gain or caused your hair to fall out? Again, it’s not one of the things that is generally considered worthy of empathy, but imagine looking at yourself in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. And please let’s not do the thing where we pretend that our physical appearance doesn’t matter. When you become accustomed to seeing yourself a certain way, adjusting to a different version of yourself can be stressful. It doesn’t make you superficial, it makes you human. I won’t belabor the point, I just want us to save some empathy for folks whose health forces them on a new journey. Newness in general is hard, newness that you’ve been forced into is even harder. When it is health related there is an added dimension of angst because in addition to the new start, there is an element of concern about one’s overall health and often a sense of loss. Whether loss of control, loss of the perception of yourself as a healthy person, or the loss of your ability to function as you did before. All of it makes the journey a challenge. So, can we be kind to folks navigating this kind of new beginning? It someone else’s illness may not be what you consider a big deal, but it is a new start for them. What we know is all new starts include an adjustment period and some sort of uphill climb. The hill may be steep or relatively gradual but a climb is a climb. Please be nice.

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Life Hacks from Introverts

2 Comments / Wellness /

The western world is designed for extroverts. Navigating western society can be excruciating. Don’t believe me? Think about this. What is the way folks in an office usually socialize? You guessed it – a happy hour. What is the way to meet new people when you move to a new community? Sign up for some group activity where you silently audition people in your head. If kids are involved, there is the obligatory function that you must attend – a concert, a birthday party, a meeting. For an introvert all of these activities, or others like it, are generally met with dread. While I hated the pandemic, it created shifts that finally favored introverts. Remote work became widely accepted; it was acceptable to have people keep their distance in public; declining invitations became understandable and expected to an extent; and people cut down or cut out large gatherings. As an introvert, I finally felt seen. Things I have been craving for most of my life became ‘normal’ – first and foremost – personal space. And don’t get me started with people not washing their hands, but I digress. Suffice it to say, it was not a great time for us collectively. Yes for me it was the first time I didn’t feel like an oddball for wanting to step back from the hustle and bustle of the world. The daily grind of life is draining and during the years of the pandemic we were willing to admit that. We shouldn’t have to consume large amounts of coffee, wine, or weed just to get through our days. I think the pandemic taught us some lessons that we introverts have known for a while. Lessons that I think could help us all live more authentically. I think for the most part we know most of this stuff, but it takes courage to buck the extroverted norms of our society. So if whether you are an extrovert or an introvert who has been trying to survive as an extrovert or somewhere in the middle, consider the points below. If you have an introvert in your life, they can likely shed more nuanced light on the points below. Declining an invitation is generally ok. One thing that was acceptable during the pandemic was to say no to an event for fear of contracting COVID. One lesson we can take as we begin to normalize COVID-19 is to center our well-being. Try treating your energy like a budget and planning how you will use it in advance. E.g. If you have to attend the obligatory large event, maybe balance that by planning self care time before and after the event to prepare and recuperate. Having a bubble to ensure your safety makes sense. Another thing that was acceptable during the pandemic was socializing with a select group of trusted people dubbed a bubble. Introverts generally have a bubble and tend to spend most of their time in some configuration of those people. It’s not that we’re running around screaming ‘no new friends’, but we prefer who we prefer. For everyone else, there is nothing wrong with maintaining a bubble now that the world is returning to its extroverted patterns. You don’t have to exclusively socialize with the folks in your bubble, but it is good to have a core group of people that you trust and who will tell you the truth, kindly. Time is precious, and should be cherished. The other thing that the pandemic taught us was to value our time. So many folks quit doing things that weren’t serving them, or started doing things that they had been putting off. I believe that the opportunity to make authentic connections is based on your own authenticity. What do you enjoy? What do you aspire to learn/do/be? What energizes you? I am sure someone somewhere has done the research, I haven’t in any formal way, but I have watched folks around me blossom when they became most comfortable with themselves. Instead of focusing on impressing and pleasing others, imagine how dope it would feel to be so comfortable with yourself that even your mistakes don’t bug you. It will probably either shrink or change your social circle but the folks in your new circle will be your ride or die people. Wearing a mask all the time, whether literal or metaphorical, is hard!!!! One last thing that I think the pandemic taught us is that masks are uncomfortable. Sadly, we have become a society that demands masks. Celebrities must be perfect in every way – not just good at their craft. Filters and fiction are ever popular on social media because we feel pressured to enhance our natural faces, bodies, lives to be accepted. Mistakes whether past or present, first or habitual, are met with equal amounts of vitriol and intolerance – grace is rarely extended. And opinions, especially the unsolicited ones are offered incessantly and many times cruelly. So it is natural to reach for a mask so that we can protect ourselves, but are we comfortable? How about this instead? Create your bubble, plan your energy, use your time to live authentically, and when you feel safe – maybe in your bubble – pull the mask down a bit. See how it feels. Observe who accepts you and who is willing to stay on the journey with you. Try removing the mask at different times and with different people. Try beginning again ‘post-pandemic’ by being more fully you.

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Grace to Begin Anew

5 Comments / parenting, Wellness /

Me: Can you help him with _______________? Other person: He’s a grown man, he should know that? Me (puzzled because we are talking about a 24 year old): He’s not a grown man, grown men are self-sufficient. Other person: You have to stop treating him like a kid. Me (now genuinely confused wondering how we jumped from grown man to kid but too exhausted to argue): Ok you have a nice day. For many of us the pandemic created new beginnings, and I know from experience that new beginnings can be emotional in both good and bad ways. In 2020 when the pandemic hit, my first born was on tour in a musical. That of course ended and his budding acting career came to a surprising and abrupt halt. As the pandemic extended beyond any of our imaginations, it forced an unwelcome new beginning on him. He is a performer and suddenly there was nowhere to perform for the foreseeable future. He experienced the new beginning burdened by his expectations of himself, and worse yet, other people’s expectations of him. As we all navigated the unknown, the expectation was that he would pivot and adjust quickly. And he did, just not in the way I, or anyone else expected. Because it was not in the way we expected, we almost missed his growth and development. During the pandemic, my son who manages ADHD, moved to a new city, learned to drive, started a alt rock band, booked shows, added to and subtracted from that band, managed its budget, recorded two singles and released them on Spotify, thought through a career change and made strides to pursue that career. It took me a full year to see this. My expectations of him were unrealistic. I am not proud of that. Instead of extending him grace during the process, I tried to push him in the direction I wanted for him, and had the audacity to be impatient when it didn’t work. That impatience damaged his self-esteem. How I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. In the aftermath I had to begin again with him. I had to learn to see his strengths. My son with ADHD is booking shows, showing up on time to play those shows and ensuring that he has all of his equipment to play those shows well – all requiring organization skills. He is also the leader of the band and responsible for all the communications. Today I watched him craft an email to tell someone he wouldn’t be able to honor a booking because of an allegation leveled against the person booking the show. That requires interpersonal communication, risk analysis, and problem solving skills. I also watched him lead a conference call with band members to talk through a strategy for how they would handle future bookings that did not align with the mission of their band. That required vision setting and investment building. Added to all that he leads an all black alt rock band in the southeastern US with the goal of taking up and creating space for other BIPOC alt rockers. I won’t even begin to list the associated skill sets. He is a leader, and would be celebrated if he were sitting in a corporate office, but wasn’t because his actions did not match my expectations. As I begin anew, I am learning not to place my expectations on him or anyone else, which is why I ended the conversation above. No need to argue, my expectations of my son don’t have to match anyone else’s. At the same time, I am extending grace to the person who believes that a 24 year old is a grown man. That perspective does not match mine, and it doesn’t have to. I was able to get my son the help he needed from someone who understands that there is something between childhood and adulthood – young adulthood – and was willing to have realistic expectations of my young adult. Arriving at a new beginning generally means acquiring new skills which generally means there will be some mistakes and missteps. What if instead of walking into new situations with expectations of perfection or success, we walked in giving ourselves or others some grace? What if we accepted that mistakes would be made and lessons learned? What if instead of judging ourselves or others when those lessons are learned and those mistakes are made, we acknowledge our growth? What if we offered support and extended grace to ourselves and those learning new things and navigating changes, instead of superimposing our own expectations? What if instead of sitting in judgement we acted as coaches and mentors or at least supporters? To be clear, I know that this isn’t always possible because there are situations when adapting quickly or meeting expectations is necessary. But when we can, let’s approach new beginnings, ours and other people’s, with grace and an asset based mindset. It would be so beneficial to our individual and collective mental health.

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The Gift of Health

2 Comments / Wellness /

I work out with a personal trainer, not because I am posh or fancy. I make the financial investment to work out with Coach Moe because to quote him, I want to give the folks who love me the gift of my health. Coach, as I call him, is all about promoting health as opposed to body size. And to be honest, although I like to be healthy, I had never thought about exercise in quite that way. But now I have shifted my paradigm, I work out because I don’t want my children and my loved ones to watch me suffer from preventable diseases; I want to avoid broken bones; and I don’t want to be limited in what I can and can’t do because of my health. Working out also helps with my mental health. It is one of the tools I use to keep my anxiety under control. Coach creates full body workouts that include cardio and weights, but my favorite is kick boxing. When I am kicking and punching it is cathartic. I get a lot of my frustrations out during kickboxing. I do my workouts at the top of my day, so by 8:30 AM Monday – Friday, I walk out of my workouts sweating and feeling good. Working out with Coach, walking, riding my bike and stretching (way less than Coach wants me to) are the ways I exercise. But I also stay away from fast food, processed foods, and dairy, limit fried foods, and try desperately and I mean desperately – to stay away from sugar. Luckily I don’t need medication to monitor any medical conditions so I also do my best not to take medicines on a regular basis. I am also vigilant about my mental health and about resting. I get regular check ups and try to pay close attention to my body. My mother is 73 years old. She walks daily, has excellent hearing, is mentally sharp, and works in the garden as much as possible. She had a medical issue earlier this year and the medical professionals were shocked that she only takes one prescription medicine on a regular basis. She has given my sister and me the gift of her health and believe me, we appreciate it. We are fortunate and she has always taken good care of herself. I want my children to be able to enjoy me the way we enjoy my mother. Coach always talks about being able to run around with his grandchildren. I don’t run unless I am being chased, but I want to be able to have energy to travel and live my entire best life. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, I don’t want to live on medication, or struggle with preventable illnesses. My job is demanding, I manage multiple projects and multiple teams on a daily basis. Life is forever throwing curve balls, just surviving a pandemic has taken its toll and I just lived through a hurricane. Yet, I have managed to navigate the past few years in good physical and mental health. I used to reward myself with bags, shoes and clothes and of course those things don’t last. Don’t get me wrong I still buy shoes and bags, but way less than I used to. But the gift of health I give myself weekly, will offer me the best returns on my investment. What are you doing to invest in your own health?

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Contributing Your Voice

Wellness /

In the same way that silence can be a gift, lending your voice as an advocate for causes can also be a gift. Whether you are advocating for your self, advocating on behalf of another individual, or advocating for a systemic change, lending your voice can be a powerful gift. Just like there are times when it is inappropriate to share your thoughts on other people’s decisions, there are also times when it is dangerous to remain silent. I would never advocate for anyone holding their tongue when their boundaries are being crossed unless it is unsafe for them to speak up. My sister jokes that I stay ready, but what is more accurate is that I understand that if you don’t nip things in the bud when they are small, they can become unmanageable. So in most situations, I lend folks my voice so that they understand what I will accept and what I will not. And if I tell them more than twice and it doesn’t change, I gift them my silence. Life is entirely too short for me to have to repeat myself more than twice. Unless a person is incapable of understanding, more than two explanations should be enough in my opinion. Unless the person has a medical condition that renders them incapable of adjusting, I believe repetitive behavior is a choice. And I won’t tolerate choices that harm me. You have two chances to fix it, and then I adjust, because you either can’t or won’t. What I have come to understand is, sometimes speaking up for yourself can also result in change for others. I remember being in a psychology class in college and being thoroughly confused. I sat through the lecture a few times, and then one day in an act of pure frustration, I raised my hand and named my confusion. To my surprise a lot of other students echoed my confusion. Things changed for me that day, I stopped sitting around confused, if I didn’t understand I asked questions and most times others speak up after I do. Speaking up to protect your boundaries is a good way to contribute your voice. Advocating on behalf of others is also a good way to lend your voice. Again, be sure that your are safe when speaking up. But, there are times when giving the gift of your voice on behalf of others makes a huge difference. Here are a few times. Please speak up when folks are being racist, ableist, ageist, homophobic, xenophobic, anti-semtist, sexist. As a matter of fact, please speak up against all the dangerous -isms, I can’t list them all. Please speak up when folks are being abusive in any way. Don’t be fooled that physical abuse is the only harmful way to abuse – emotional abuse and verbal abuse are equally harmful. Please speak up when someone is being intimidating or hurtful. You may not be thanked by anyone, but that doesn’t make it a poor choice. The above plea goes whether the subjects of another person’s harm are women, men, children, the elderly, the disabled, the abled. Please speak up when you have the privilege and the power; when you have a seat at the table. Your voice is invaluable to those who don’t have access. Please speak up when you hurt another person. Apologies accompanied by change speak volumes. I always tell my children I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be better. I don’t want to collect a bag or sorries, most people don’t, what people want is for you to be change for the better so that you stop causing hurt. We all have to decide when we want to give our energy to causes. Although many folks will try to dictate for you how and when you should speak up and speak out, that is a personal choice. No one owns the moral high ground. But please remember that every time we are silent or make the choice to look away from an issue, someone pays the cost.

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A Contribution of Peace

4 Comments / Wellness /

There was a time when I watched the news faithfully at least twice a day, and often more than that. I had a need to know what was unfolding in the world. But lately I have stopped watching the news faithfully. I get news alerts on my phone so I am still plugged in, but now I only watch the news a few times per week. I don’t know when, but at some point the news become trauma porn for me. It was primarily negative, ALL the time. Heartbreaking images of Black people being shot by police, people in other countries ravaged by war or natural disasters, and politicians using divisive rhetoric on a constant loop became too much for me. So I stopped. It was taking my peace from me. I didn’t just stop ingesting the steady diet of negativity on the news, I changed my morning and evening routine. As many mornings as I can, I get out to watch the sun rise. It is a peaceful way to start my day. And every morning while I am watching sunrise I record a video to share with my followers on Instagram. It’s nothing long, but it is a small way that I can contribute to adding something positive to someone else’s day. I am not into toxic positivity that all but demands that people look at the bright side of things all the time. That doesn’t make sense to me. We are whole humans and we feel a range of emotions so I can’t see how staying positive 100% of the time is natural. I know that life is out here wringing some of us dry. So that 11 second video of the sun rising over water is my way of contributing some peace to someone else’s day in spite of what life has on the menu that day. I also try to catch as many sunsets as possible, and I also record and share a short video of the sun setting over water on my Instagram page as many days as possible. These are two small ways that I try to contribute peace to folks in my circle. It’s easy to do, since I’m already out enjoying the sunrise or sunset myself. Recording and sharing the videos also brings me joy. Now I have a Google photos account chocked full of sunrises and sunsets which is a great bonus. To be honest, I don’t know if posting those videos is helping anyone, but I do it anyway. I don’t get a lot of likes and I honestly don’t care. I do it because it’s my way of hopefully reminding someone that in spite of what the world throws at you, there is still beauty in the world. My hope is that the videos allow folks a few seconds to pause, exhale, and acknowledge the peace and beauty of a natural occurrence. My hope is that the 11 seconds a person takes to watch the video changes their mood for the better and either allows them to start or end their day on a better note. It does for me; and doing the recording allows me to refocus for a few minutes at the start and close of the day on pouring into someone else. I was once told, life is a series of choices. I am being intentional about the choices I am making. Contributing is one of those choices. It feels good. Try it out.

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Why Choose Struggle?

Wellness /

Me: observing the person struggle. Me: Would you like some help? Them (still struggling): No I got it. I had a decision to make in that moment. Do I continue to watch the struggle while doing nothing? Do I look away? Or do I go over there and help? I chose to walk over and help. The task got done faster than if the person had continued to struggle. What is interesting is that I recognized what was happening in that moment because I do it too. There are times when I choose struggle. Sometimes I choose struggle because I don’t trust the person offering the help. Let’s be real, everyone isn’t offering with a genuine heart so I feel justified in turning those offers down. Sometimes I choose struggle because I really want to figure something out on my own. And sometimes the only way the learning is in the struggle. But only sometimes. Most of the times that I choose struggle, is because the narrative playing in my head at that moment is telling me to refuse the offer of help without thinking it through, it is telling me to choose struggle. Why do I listen? I listen because the messages that I have internalized tell me that I have to prove myself worthy. The messages that I have internalized tell me that I am not good enough as I am, so I deserve to struggle. Somehow I had romanticized struggling and brainwashed myself into believing it made me independent. HA!!!! What it really made me was tired and anxious and at times resentful. It was not healthy. I used to believe that the reason that I didn’t accept help was because I had been a single woman and parent for so long. But that is not entirely true. What is interesting is that I am quick to offer help. Recently I read something that helped me to contextualize my refusal of help as the trauma response it was. I wasn’t shocked but I was fed up. I am not about being controlled and certainly not by unhealthy thought patterns. So I have been reassessing my responses to offers of help. Sometimes the automatic no still pops out of my mouth when an offer of help is extended. However, these days I am accepting help more often and guess what? It feels good to get help. Things get done better and faster and without the struggle. It’s a whole new world for me. Please note, I am still not adept at asking for help, but if you know me in real life and you offer help, there is a good chance that I am accepting. Breaking unhealthy patterns is liberating.

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The Cost of Looking Away

Wellness /

Integrity. One word, only nine letters but the weight of it is incredibly impactful. Every time we are faced with a decision we have the choice to demonstrate integrity. I would never pretend that choosing integrity is always easy. Sometimes choosing integrity means you are going against the grain, making the unpopular choice and standing alone. I am not a romantic person who waxes poetic about the virtues of making the right choice. It’s hard if we are being honest. Integrity always costs something. Energy, acceptance, peace, time, companionship – the list could go on forever. So I completely understand that some times it is easier to fit in or just stay quiet because we don’t want to risk the cost of integrity. Sometimes we convince ourselves that the cost isn’t worth it. And there are times when that leaves us a bit uneasy, and there are other times it doesn’t bother us one tiny bit. Can we tell the truth? I am not here to judge. How could I? We are all human and I don’t always get it right. But the thing I am reminding myself of lately is that the systems that are used to oppress others only work because people look away instead of choosing integrity. They thrive on our choices to do what is comfortable instead of standing for what is right. Don’t believe me, watch? A group of people chose integrity in the summer of 2020 when a police officer used his power irresponsibly to murder George Floyd. What if they had chosen to look away? As a matter of fact, I have a better question. Do we think this was the first time that officer had used his power irresponsibly? Unlikely, but what is more likely is that others saw his problematic behavior and chose to look away. It may seem harmless to look away when faced with the cost of integrity, but is it really harmless? It may not cost us, but it costs someone, hopefully not their lives, but the point is that it is not harmless. Many of us are in positions of power in various parts of our lives. What is the cost if we don’t demonstrate integrity, and who pays it? Systems are maintained by people, and when we let our integrity slip, oppressive systems thrive. I can’t determine for anyone if, and when, they should choose integrity, but I do know that even if you don’t pay the cost, someone will. Integrity is not an abstract or nebulous concept, according to the Oxford dictionary it is the actual practice ‘of being honest and having strong moral principles’. I would like my legacy to be that I engaged and spoke up and that I was a person of integrity, I don’t want to be the person who looks away and allows someone else to pay the cost. This doesn’t mean that I will be Don Quixote tilting at every windmill (Do people still know what that means?), but when I am in positions where I need to speak up, I will.

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