parenting

Me: Can you help him with _______________? Other person: He’s a grown man, he should know that? Me (puzzled because we are talking about a 24 year old): He’s not a grown man, grown men are self-sufficient. Other person: You have to stop treating him like a kid. Me (now genuinely confused wondering how we jumped from grown man to kid but too exhausted to argue): Ok you have a nice day. For many of us the pandemic created new beginnings, and I know from experience that new beginnings can be emotional in both good and bad ways. In 2020 when the pandemic hit, my first born was on tour in a musical. That of course ended and his budding acting career came to a surprising and abrupt halt. As the pandemic extended beyond any of our imaginations, it forced an unwelcome new beginning on him. He is a performer and suddenly there was nowhere to perform for the foreseeable future. He experienced the new beginning burdened by his expectations of himself, and worse yet, other people’s expectations of him. As we all navigated the unknown, the expectation was that he would pivot and adjust quickly. And he did, just not in the way I, or anyone else expected. Because it was not in the way we expected, we almost missed his growth and development. During the pandemic, my son who manages ADHD, moved to a new city, learned to drive, started a alt rock band, booked shows, added to and subtracted from that band, managed its budget, recorded two singles and released them on Spotify, thought through a career change and made strides to pursue that career. It took me a full year to see this. My expectations of him were unrealistic. I am not proud of that. Instead of extending him grace during the process, I tried to push him in the direction I wanted for him, and had the audacity to be impatient when it didn’t work. That impatience damaged his self-esteem. How I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. In the aftermath I had to begin again with him. I had to learn to see his strengths. My son with ADHD is booking shows, showing up on time to play those shows and ensuring that he has all of his equipment to play those shows well – all requiring organization skills. He is also the leader of the band and responsible for all the communications. Today I watched him craft an email to tell someone he wouldn’t be able to honor a booking because of an allegation leveled against the person booking the show. That requires interpersonal communication, risk analysis, and problem solving skills. I also watched him lead a conference call with band members to talk through a strategy for how they would handle future bookings that did not align with the mission of their band. That required vision setting and investment building. Added to all that he leads an all black alt rock band in the southeastern US with the goal of taking up and creating space for other BIPOC alt rockers. I won’t even begin to list the associated skill sets. He is a leader, and would be celebrated if he were sitting in a corporate office, but wasn’t because his actions did not match my expectations. As I begin anew, I am learning not to place my expectations on him or anyone else, which is why I ended the conversation above. No need to argue, my expectations of my son don’t have to match anyone else’s. At the same time, I am extending grace to the person who believes that a 24 year old is a grown man. That perspective does not match mine, and it doesn’t have to. I was able to get my son the help he needed from someone who understands that there is something between childhood and adulthood – young adulthood – and was willing to have realistic expectations of my young adult. Arriving at a new beginning generally means acquiring new skills which generally means there will be some mistakes and missteps. What if instead of walking into new situations with expectations of perfection or success, we walked in giving ourselves or others some grace? What if we accepted that mistakes would be made and lessons learned? What if instead of judging ourselves or others when those lessons are learned and those mistakes are made, we acknowledge our growth? What if we offered support and extended grace to ourselves and those learning new things and navigating changes, instead of superimposing our own expectations? What if instead of sitting in judgement we acted as coaches and mentors or at least supporters? To be clear, I know that this isn’t always possible because there are situations when adapting quickly or meeting expectations is necessary. But when we can, let’s approach new beginnings, ours and other people’s, with grace and an asset based mindset. It would be so beneficial to our individual and collective mental health.