Choosing Rest
Yesterday I found myself in a terrible mood. I was fussy and cranky and I could not put my finger on the cause until half of the day had slipped away. It was odd because I had started the day in a great mood. At some point in the day, I had decided that it would be good for me to catch up on some work, since I have an upcoming deadline. In retrospect, that is when my mood changed. When I tried to use my weekend to do something other than rest. I had reverted to my grind mentality, prioritizing work over my self-care. To be fair I had been doing very well with prioritizing self-care but trying to meet the deadline threw me off balance. I need the rest. Work is demanding, my days are jam packed with problem solving and putting out fires. Last weekend was sad and it took its toll. I didn’t pause last week and I should have. So this weekend when I tried not to pause again, my emotions let me know very quickly that enough was enough. As soon as I figured it out, I put the work away, and decided that I would rearrange my week to ensure that I meet the deadline. I turned my attention to things that fill my cup, and of course my mood improved. I am going to meet that deadline, and the end product will good. But I won’t sacrifice resting this weekend. This weekend, I am resting and doing things that energize me. I am going back to the original plan; I am resisting the grind.
Insecurity Flare Ups
I think this photo is beautiful. But it almost didn’t happen because of an insecurity flare up. Have you ever watched someone talk themselves out of an opportunity? What was your response? I ask not in judgement. But because it can be a hard balance to strike between encouraging someone and respecting their choices. On the one hand, maybe the person has legitimate reasons for not wanting to do the thing. On the other hand it could be that they are having an insecurity flare up. How do you know the difference? I call them insecurity flare ups because I am not consistently insecure, but there are moments when unhelpful internalized messages play in stereo in my head and I become unable to motivate myself to try. To be clear, I don’t know what insecurity flare ups feel like for other people. I can only speak for myself. When my insecurities are flaring they are strong enough to discourage me from things I know full well I can do. The tape recorder (Yes its a tape recorder. It is old and malfunctions but it refuses to die.) in my head some times gets stuck on a loop that convinces me I can’t. In those moments, it’s like I am drowning in doubt. My vision is clouded. My confidence is sapped. And all I legit want to do is stay in bed and cower. I have definitely missed out on a number of experiences because I have given in to insecurity flare ups. I don’t have many regrets, but I definitely regret those moments. So I had to learn how to put those flares out before they consumed me. Here are a few things that work for me. I have learned to ask myself if I will regret not trying. Usually the answer is yes, but there are a few times when it was no but those are other stories for other days. I also ask myself what I will need to get through it. Most times companionship works. At other times I need not just a companion but an accountability partner. At other times I need to be reminded of all that I have already been blessed to do, and the outcomes of prior attempts. The last thing I ask myself is what is the worst that could happen. And I have be really honest about the worst that could happen, not dream up some dramatic unlikelihood. Usually its dealing with some sort of rejection. And although I am not a master of rejection, I know for a fact it won’t kill me. Now I think I have previously shared that I only take mild – medium risks, so if the risk factor is too high I might decline. When I am able to answer those questions honestly, they act as an extinguisher for those flares. And I can usually peel back the covers and go do the thing that I was moments ago willing to not even try. When I witness folks I am connected with struggling with what I believe to be an insecurity flare up, my instinct is to jump in and fix it. And by fix it I mean be an encourager, tell them how dope they are, reassure them of their greatness. But I have learned that helping them to change their own mindset is more impactful. To be honest, encouraging right off rip doesn’t work for me, because in the midst of a flare up I won’t really believe anything I am told. Now I ask them my list of questions instead of jumping right into encouraging mode. If, and when, they identify what they will need, I support them in finding it or provide it myself if I can. It feels more honest and more authentic to do it this way. Supporting someone through an insecurity flare up could mean you may end up tagging along on their adventure. Sometimes those are fun, and other times you wonder why they even wanted to do that thing in the first place. But always you know that you are helping someone to get past a mental block that could, if given the oxygen, flare into a raging fire that precludes them from accomplishing their goals. I think these photos are beautiful. They almost didn’t happen. I shot them while supporting someone through a flare up.
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Intentional Curation
Sunrise is always special to me. It heralds the beginning of a new day, new hope, new opportunities. I prefer to start the new day with hope. Even if I know it’s going to be a hard day I still prefer to hope for the best. Sunrise has become a symbol of hope for me. I watch sunrise as often as I can. I love the way that sunrise teases its debut with yellow and orange hues prior to the sun’s featured appearance. Sometimes I brew myself a cup of tea and sit quietly admiring the unfolding of the show it creates in the sky. Sometimes I say my morning prayers while watching the sun rise. Sometimes I take photos. Regardless of how I choose to acknowledge it, sunrise helps me to start my day with a smile. While I was always a fan of sunrise, it was not always a part of my morning routine. There was a time when I used to turn the news on first thing in the morning. I wish I had learned earlier in life that what I was putting into my mind impacted my mood. But now that I am aware, I intentionally curate my mornings. An alarm of birds tweeting instead of music or sounds. Prayer instead of scrolling through social media. Beauty instead of news. Exercise instead of laying in bed longer. Fruits instead of carbs for breakfast. But most importantly hope and gratitude instead of worry and dread. Now that I intentionally curate my mornings, I am better able to manage my anxiety. It grounds me to start my day this way. Although I still have challenges, my perspective has changed. I feel hopeful now, which allows me to be more grateful, which allows me to be more gracious and so on and so on. Intentional curation of my mornings has been a game changer for me. How do you intentionally curate your day? What benefits have you found?
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Boundary Tramplers
This morning I was triggered by a boundary trampler. What is boundary trampler you ask? Glad you asked. A boundary trampler is someone who is aware of the boundaries you have set for yourself and chooses to ignore them. Boundary tramplers are generally folks who are close enough to you to be aware of your boundaries. Every single one of my boundary tramplers have been folks I was in relationship with- friends, family, romantic partners. I can’t be certain but I don’t think my boundary trampler woke up this morning with the intention of trampling all over my boundaries around interpersonal communication. I think they were in emotional distress and word vomited all over me. Here’s the thing, regardless of intent, it is a known rule that I won’t accept being spoken to the way they spoke to me. I wish I could say I handled it well. I did not. I was triggered and I reacted to the trigger. No excuses. I could have handled it better. Now I have to decide how to move forward. And that’s my stuff. My poor reaction does not excuse the initial behavior. My boundary was trampled because someone was struggling with their own emotions. I empathize AND I will continue to hold them accountable for their behavior. I love this person and this incident won’t change that. And I love me and I won’t allow me to be treated like that. Boundaries with no accountability is just a hope. I can’t hope my way into better treatment. I hope there is not a next time with this particular person. And the next time this boundary is trampled, I hope I can calmly say to the person that the way they are talking to me is unacceptable, and make them aware that I am ending the conversation before ending the call. I hope….
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The Hard Thing
This week I have had to do many hard things – have hard conversations, admit uncomfortable truths, plan a sad trip. I did not want to do any of those things because they are … you guessed it – hard by definition. I used to succumb to my fear of the hard thing. Not surprising, that was when I struggled with depression and emotional outbursts. The correlation between being dominated by fear and feeling sad or angry all the time makes sense to me now. I wasn’t being my authentic self because fear of rejection or separation had me convinced that doing the hard thing was worse than avoiding it. I did not set out to get therapy to learn how to do hard things or become my authentic self. I did not have that language when at 18 I decided I was tired of being locked in a mind that was barely ever happy. I just wanted to feel better. There were so many peaks and valleys on that journey. To be honest there were times when I felt like I wasn’t making any progress, like it wasn’t worth it. I didn’t know then that therapy wasn’t a magic lamp, and my therapist wasn’t a genie. I just wanted to feel better. It took more than 20 years of emotional work and at least 8 different therapists. Slowly I began to say the hard things when I was calm, as opposed to waiting until I was so angry that I used the hard things to eviscerate who ever dared to offend. To be clear it wasn’t easy, I remember the anxiety that I felt about telling a loved one a truth that felt shameful, or being assertive with a person in a position of power. Talk about stress. At first I did the hard things like a colt learning to walk. I was clumsy and sometimes terrible at it. Over time, I learned that prioritizing which hard things I wanted to focus on matters – I didn’t have to address everything; I learned that tone matters – no one wants to feel chastised; I learned that preparing the person for what I was about to say matters – no one likes to be ambushed; I learned that environment matters – choosing a place and time that works for both parties makes hard conversations easier; I learned that being honest and kind matters – honesty does not have to be brutal. I learned that avoidance only only guarantees my misery. Sometimes it worked out well and at other times not so great. But eventually I stopped exclusively pleasing everyone else and silently resenting them for the sacrifice I had chosen to make, and found balance. Hard things still make me anxious but I do them. Doing the hard things helped me discover my authentic self and freed me from a vicious cycle of pleasing and resentment. I have learned that hard things matter, and that saying them and doing them thoughtfully also matters. If you are a praying person, pray for me this weekend. I have to take a trip that is a sad trip. It is hard, and I am going to do it; avoiding is not an option.
Obstacle? Or to do list?
Setting a goal is a BIG deal. It’s you looking out into the great unknown and agreeing with yourself that you are going to reach for something. And if you are like me, the minute you make that agreement with yourself, life tries you. When that happens I have some choices to make. Do I give in to the obstacles and let them become my excuses? Or do I treat them like an obstacle course and jump, dodge and scale them? It wasn’t something magical that materialized overnight, but I did learn how to turn my obstacles into a to do list. The first thing I have to do is figure out what I am afraid of. I have to face the big scary monster in my head so I know how to beat it. From my many years in therapy I know what my recurring fears are. You can usually figure out what you are afraid of by asking yourself what is the worst that could happen. For example, I wanted to ride my bike across the 70 foot high bridge, but I had never done it before. I was afraid that I would try, fail, and be humiliated. That may not make sense to those of you reading this, but where I live people older than me ride their bikes across those bridges while smiling and waving. It would be quite embarrassing to be passed by one of them while I was struggling or worse yet, walking and pushing my bike. The shame!!!! Anyway, knowing that my fear was really about being humiliated helped me to decide how I would face it. When I know what I am afraid of, I can use that to set a goal within my locus of control. In other words, I set the goal as doing something not achieving something. For example, in the bridge example the goal became doing the thing, not what other people would think of me while I was doing the thing. That may seem easy in this scenario, but let’s try it with a different example, like applying for a new role. The goal becomes actually applying, I can control that. I can’t control if I am offered the role or not, but I can control the effort I put in. So, the goal becomes the effort. With the goal being the effort, I can now make my to do list. With the bike example, riding more and more, for longer and longer, so that I could build my stamina was the to do list. With this blog, getting a word press account, creating the site, finding photos, and writing regularly are some of the things on the to do list. Sometimes having an accountability partner and checking in with them regularly is also on the to do list because that works for me. I firmly believe that your to do list has to be personal to you. Sometimes fear is real and it saves us from danger. It makes all the sense in the world to be afraid of dangerous situations. But when it is not danger, maybe you can turn those obstacles into a to do list, give fear a run for its money and go after the thing you want to try. On this journey to chocolate serenity, we are giving fear no wins. Again, I only take calculated risks, meaning I only risk what I am comfortable losing. To date all that I have honestly lost is the fear. What I have gained is confidence, joy and more peace. And although I don’t yet wave on the way up the bridge, at least I am on the bike, not pushing it.
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Obstacles on the Road
Whenever we set out an a journey there is always the possibility that detours or hazards interrupt the journey. Generally we don’t let those detours and hazards prevent us from making the trip. We usually find alternative paths or we go around the roadblocks. Yet when we set out to accomplish a goal, we are more tempted to allow detours and hazards to prevent us from accomplishing our goals. I can only speak for myself, but hazards, detours and roadblocks are real and ever present, but the times when I turn around are mostly because I am afraid to go forward. So if I am being honest, I was using the detours and hazards as an excuse. I know, I know. But I bet I am not the only one. I used to be crippled by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of making a mistake. You name it I was afraid of it. But being afraid wasn’t getting me what I wanted. And I was still not happy. I wasn’t happy doing what I was doing and I was afraid to do something different. Something had to give. So one day when I was tired of being both afraid to move and unhappy with where I was, I decided to throw caution to the wind and I tried a new thing. And guess what? I failed. Hard. I mean hard. Here’s the abridged version. I was slated to be the principal of a new charter school and at the last minute the school didn’t open. I had already quit my job and told everyone that I was going to lead the school. When it didn’t work out, I was worried and a little embarrassed but surprisingly I wasn’t devastated, just disappointed. And it clicked for me then. Disappointment I could handle and if that is the worst thing that could happen then I was here for it. So I started trying more new things – applying for roles that I never would have considered myself qualified for, attending events that sent my social anxiety into orbit, even trying new foods. Still, the worst thing that ever happened was that I was disappointed. But disappointment didn’t discourage me. If anything it empowered me to try even more. My motto became the worst that could happen is that it doesn’t work out. Don’t get me wrong. I take calculated risks. I am not out here bungee jumping off bridges or zip lining across cliffs. I am trying new things; pushing myself out of my comfort zone more and it is paying off. I am less fearful (but still careful). And the best part is that my self-esteem is not damaged at all. To be honest I was surprised by that. I say all this to say, roadblocks, hazards and detours are a part of the journey but sometimes fear causes us to use them as excuses. What is the journey that you are afraid to begin or continue? What is the narrative that you are telling yourself about why you aren’t starting or why you are stopping? Some times there are legitimate reasons to stop or not start, but if the reason is really because you are afraid, consider this – what would or could happen if you overcame the obstacle. What would it look like? feel like? sound like? On this journey to chocolate serenity we are not giving fear any wins. Next time we will discuss how to turn your obstacle into your to do list.
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