Boundary Setting

In recent years messaging about setting boundaries has become more and more prevalent. We are encouraged to set them, maintain them, not allow people to cross them. And although I agree that they are important to a healthy life, the messaging about boundaries is one-sided. It paints a sort of Disney Mary Poppins view, only focusing on the benefits and never really talking about the costs involved. Obviously, I disagree. I think there is room to talk about both sides – setting them is important AND it will cost you.

When you set a boundary you essentially make a statement about what you will and won’t do or accept. It can be emotional just working up the nerve to make the statement, which is a cost all by itself. But there’s more, just making the statement can cause upheaval. And why is it that we are encouraged to believe that it as simple as positivity? The messaging is generally that the healthy people in your life will accept the boundaries without question, and those who don’t aren’t worth your time. Really? Who are all these healthy people milling around in our lives? Being healthy requires an incredible amount of work. How many people are actually doing the work? How many people even have the emotional bandwidth to do the work? And are we really able to disengage with everyone who doesn’t immediately accept our boundaries?

Sigh.

Realistically, I have found that setting boundaries takes initial work on the setter’s part. And with people with whom you want to maintain a relationship, the actual setting has to be done thoughtfully and with a willingness to remind them of those parameters for a period of time. (To be clear that period of time is not forever.) The truth is it takes people time to change. If they have gotten into a pattern or habit with you, making a change to honor your boundaries could take time and effort. Those who are willing to make the effort will get it eventually, but it will likely mean that you have to do the work of reminding them of the boundary and consistently honoring it yourself. Work.

At the other end of the spectrum are the people who either do not or will not accept the boundary. These interactions can be HARD. Initially I think I experience disbelief when this happens, because if it is so important to me, and they care about me, how could they not see it. But people rarely take the time to see things from another person’s perspective, you generally have to guide them down that path. To further complicate matters, sometimes there are power dynamics at play, e.g. a child trying to set boundaries with a parent. When you have tried everything that you can – explaining rationale, impact and cost and have no luck, you are left with a choice. Accept it and do nothing or accept it and alter the relationship. Again, this is hard, because letting go of all or part of a relationship is work. Hard work.

Heavy sigh.

We have discussed folks on either end of the acceptance spectrum, but in my experience, most people’s reactions to a boundary don’t fall on one end of the spectrum, they fall somewhere in the middle. Whether because they are thinking aspirationally or due to lack of courage, most people don’t actively tell you no. They either say yes and fail to honor the boundary, or honor it inconsistently. Again leaving you with the choice of doing the work of reminding them of their agreement, or the work of altering the relationship.

Sigh.

Honestly, setting and honoring boundaries will be work for you no matter how it is received by others. It means you have to honor your own boundary consistently. If you don’t honor your own boundary, other folks will follow your lead. So set the boundaries, it is likely healthy for you to set them. But don’t go into it with rose colored glasses. It is essentially change management – you will have early adopters, folks who will change with time and coaching, and folks who will choose not to change at all. While being the boundary setter, you will probably be expected to manage the change for others as well. And I know someone will disagree and say you shouldn’t have to. I want to remind those people that cultures vary and boundary setting in most Western cultures looks very different than it does for those from non-Western cultures, and even those who straddle both cultures.

The headline is that while it is worth it, there is work involved when you set a boundary. Please go into it with a clear eyed view of the effort and stamina it will require.