Repairing the Damage

Last week something happened at work that completely irritated me. If I am being honest, I was fire hot. Like so annoyed I was probably turning shades of purple. I reacted. I am not proud. I said something in an exasperated tone to someone on my team. It was a mistake for several reasons.

First, there was a power dynamic. I am the manager of the person’s manager.

Second I was angry. In my case speaking in anger is never a great idea, unless I want to burn the relationship to the ground.

Third we were in a group setting, so my less than friendly tone was abundantly clear to people from various teams.

Luckily for me there was at least one person in that space who cared enough about me to tell me the truth. Honestly and clearly, she told me I was hard on the team member. I trusted her enough to listen. Don’t get me wrong, it did not feel good to get feedback, no matter how thoughtfully delivered, that I had potentially hurt someone.

I took the feedback. But let me be clear, taking the feedback didn’t make me less angry. If I am being honest, it probably made me angrier, because in addition to feeling offended, my pride was hurt. Yet I had to own my stuff. I had to swallow the aforementioned pride and repair the damage.

The meeting we were in at the time of the offense is a standing meeting with a variety of members from teams I manage. This means the team member would have to see that same group of team members every week after being publicly humiliated. After my reaction, it could have become an uncomfortable and unfriendly space, after all that is what I had modeled.

So at today’s meeting I apologized.

I could have apologized privately, but I felt that the offense had been public, so the apology needed to be public. Of course by today I was no longer angry, but I wasn’t sure of what impact of my words and tone had had on the team member. I apologized to let the team member know that regardless of position, on this team when we injure, when we make mistakes, we own them.

She accepted my apology and thanked me for offering it. She didn’t have to. In the moment of the offense I was self-centered and focused on my own emotions. She could have been just as self-centered and focused on her own emotions. I am grateful that the team member accepted the apology. I am even more grateful that my friend gave me the feedback. I am grateful that I was able to hear and accept the feedback.

Celebrate people who tell you the truth. Those are the ones who really care about you.

Be humble enough to accept that your intentions don’t have to be negative to have a negative impact on someone.

Own your stuff. When you are wrong own it. We all make mistakes, but what we do after the mistake speaks volumes about our character.

Understand your power and privilege. I was tempted to make excuses for myself to avoid apologizing. It would have sounded like this. ‘Even as a team leader, I am fallible and flawed’. But here is the thing, so is my team mate. She made a mistake and got publicly chastised. I made a mistake and got private correction. So that public apology was important. She needed to know that despite position and titles, I recognized that I had not treated her well and was sorry about that.

I don’t know where she and I will go from here, but I do know that I have a bridge to rebuild. Annoying stuff will happen, but it doesn’t justify offensive behavior. And on the occasions that offensive behavior surfaces it is important to repair the damage.