Owning the Journey

Things that bring joy don’t always feel joyful in the moment, but that doesn’t mean you should quit. Let me explain. My trainer said something similar this morning. I have a terrible memory so I don’t recall his exact words, but he referenced the work I did to earn my terminal degree to make the point. It worked. Completing a doctoral degree was anything but joyful. There were many sacrifices made, many outings missed, and a ton of reading and writing to get me to the finish line. But the point is I finished. I finished because I was disciplined. I finished because I wanted it more than I wanted the things I missed out on while on the journey. I finished because I had people in my corner supporting me.

Here is the money question – if I could be disciplined enough to accomplish that and other goals, why then is accomplishing the goal of peace so hard?

I know peace is not a tangible goal like the diploma (which by the way is sitting in my closet unframed, don’t judge me) but couldn’t the same principles apply? In order to earn the degree I had to name the goal, understand the road map, enlist supporters, and do the work. My curiosity now has me comparing the goals to see what would be different for my peace journey.

First is the roadmap. I understand the road map. The roadmap may not be a list of classes that I have to take or papers I have to write, but the roadmap is definitely comprised of a set of skills in which I have to become proficient. Just like with grad school, I may not like that it means I have to say no to some people and things, but I have done that before. I had to say no a lot during the doctoral journey and I have learned a lot of really nice ways to say it. Some of the skills I have to show proficiency in are self awareness, changing my perspective, setting and sticking to boundaries, giving myself grace, and engaging primarily (completely is not realistic for me right now) in what feeds my soul. They are totally attainable.

Second, I would have to enlist supporters. Enlisting supporters is a bit different for a graduate school journey than living a peaceful life. Grad school is a temporary experience and it is a socially acceptable pursuit. A journey to peace may feel superfluous to some, and it may completely offend others, but there are still supporters. I don’t need a host of people but I do need folks who will support me. And honestly when I look around, I have that. I have folks who don’t get upset when I set boundaries. I have folks who will encourage and support me to make the changes I need to make to live a peaceful life. I have folks who remind me to have grace with others and myself. I could go on and on, but the point is I have the supporters.

So that leaves doing the work. Of course I saved the best for last. I just have to do the work. The tricky thing about the work is that it means confronting myself. For example, when my need to please says yes to a request I don’t have the interest or time to do, and I detour from my peace journey, I have to be honest with myself and own that. Or when I set a boundary and someone gets upset and it hurts, I have to be honest about why it hurts. Does it hurt because I really wanted their approval, does it hurt because I feel rejected, or does it hurt because I have internalized the subjugation of own my needs and wants for the benefit of others? When I get frustrated about events in my life, I have to own the part I played in it and be honest about how I need to adjust. I can’t lie to myself and blame it on other people. That is seductive and easy. But, the truth is I live the life I want either by my action or inaction. Some would say we all do, but I am not a fan of blanket statements.

So here is where I landed. Ultimately, if I want peace (as defined by me), it is within my control. I choose the work I do, how I live, the people in my circle, the perspective I take, the conversations I have, and the actions I take. So if I want something, I have to actually pursue it strategically, with the same determination and discipline I used to accomplish other goals. I have to understand that the day to day emotions may hit peaks and valleys. I have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices and put in the work.

I am not a fan of a prescribed number of steps to whatever the thing is you are trying to accomplish, because each person’s journey is different. Six may work for one person but another may need ten, or only three. Accomplishing goals is a personal process and should be approached that way. I am walking away from this musing with one take away and that is, if I am going to accomplish anything I have to own my role in the journey. Since I am the person trying to get to the finish line I have to actually get in the driver’s seat and own the journey.

How do you set yourself up to accomplish your goals? What journey are you on?