Boundary Related Grief

Here is a fact, boundary setting can sometimes result in loneliness and grief. Drawing a line in the sand and telling folks not to cross it is your right. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated. However, just like you have choices so do other people, and sometimes they choose to disengage rather than honor your wishes. And when that happens, there can be a sense of loss. Now I know there are some people that we are glad to see go, but for the most part we as humans don’t like to be left. When someone leaves us or we have to leave someone there is a very real possibility, if not probability, that it will hurt.

Even if the person doesn’t sever ties, boundary setting can also mean that you have to change the relationship you have with someone because they either can’t, or won’t, honor your wishes. That could mean changing the amount of time you spend with them, or the way you engage with them. It could also mean you choosing to walk away from that relationship altogether. Regardless of whether its a partial or complete loss, there is a sense of loss that can go along with the decision. If the relationship was a close one, or connected to other friends, family or co-worker’s, the change in the relationship could make group settings awkward.

The hard part of loss that occurs from boundary setting is that there are no rituals to help bring closure. No one comes to take you out, to cheer you up, or bring you food. No one sends you cards, or comes over to sit with you. Very often, it is a loss that you experience with no days off or acknowledgement and very often with no support. Sometimes you don’t even feel or realize the loss right away, but when it hits that grief is still real. If you’re like me you turn it over in your head a number of times trying to make sure that you made the right choice. And when you determine that you have, it hurts all over again that the person wouldn’t or couldn’t honor your boundary.

I think it’s important to mourn all losses; to give yourself space to be sad, or hurt, or angry, or whatever emotion comes up when you realize that someone that used to take up space in your life won’t do it in the same way anymore. That hurt is real and should be acknowledged and attended to. Give yourself time to heal. The relationship may or not be restored at some later date, but in the immediate you will need to recover.

Losing parts of relationships or losing them altogether can be lonely. And if you are in the minority regarding the necessity for your boundary, that loneliness can be compounded. It can lead to self doubt, and even some shame. Added to that, you have to learn how to navigate life with this new boundary in place which means changing your own behaviors. If the person you had to walk away from or who chose to walk away from you was a part of your support system, you have to simultaneously navigate the loss of the broken or altered relationship while adjusting to the loss of their support.

Although we like to believe differently, people are rarely all good or all bad, so chances are you will miss the person. Even if everyone in your life is celebrating the person’s departure, there is a probability that you will miss them. It’s ok. Unless they were completely heinous, there are probably parts of them that you enjoyed.

Allow yourself the chance to mourn.

Try to give yourself the space and time you will need to get past it. Regardless of their behavior, you deserve to be able to mourn. Someone else’s bad behavior doesn’t make you less human. Feeling a sense of loss is a natural part of separation. Acknowledging it helps to provide closure. I promise, you will heal and it doesn’t have to be immediate regardless of other people’s opinions. It’s par for the course when making the courageous step to set a boundary.