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Other People’s Perspectives

Wellness /

Other people’s perceptions. Whew. They are ever present and are always informed by their own experiences. When a person sets a boundary they are likely to experience other people’s perceptions, perspectives, opinions. What to do with them is always the money question. If you qualify as other people, this post is for you. At some point in our lives we are all ‘other people’. There are a couple of assumptions I will make about people who set boundaries. The first is that they thought through what was important and prioritized what were must haves and what were nice to haves for both health and well-being. The second is they weighed the cost of both setting and not setting the boundary. The third is they are/were willing to pay the cost of whichever action they choose. What that means is that while we (other people) are entitled to our thoughts and feelings about someone else’s boundaries, before expressing them it’s probably helpful to understand why we have that perspective. Are you reacting to and prioritizing your own wants/needs/issues/traumas? I will give you an example. Someone I love deeply chose a boundary for themselves and I was upset by it. But when I dug deeper I realized that I was processing their boundary as a rejection of me. I was centering myself. When I figured that out I was able to honor the boundary. Once you understand your why, you need to make a decision about what you will do with that perspective. You don’t always have to share it! Weigh the cost of both sharing and not sharing and decide if it’s worth it. And by that I mean, will sharing it help the other person or just you? Sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes it’s not. If you are sharing only to make yourself feel better, interrogate that before you act. In the example above, what I ended up sharing was the journey I had taken to honor the boundary, as opposed to my initial self centered perspective. For some people, doing the work of setting the boundary is hard emotional work and when it is verbalized there are still residual doubts or fears. If sharing your perspective will unnecessarily exacerbate those, is it really worth it? The other thing to remember if you are other people in this context, is that leading with curiosity could help you to understand why the person needed to create that boundary. Now curiosity is not the same as nosiness. You don’t need to know someone else’s whole life story to honor a boundary. What I mean by curiosity is how have they been impacted by not having the boundary and how will having it improve their lives. If you are the boundary setter, sharing your rationale with people upfront could help them to better understand your need and increase their investment in honoring your boundary. For other people in this context, please be empathetic. This work is not easy.

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Which Choice – Ghosting or Talking?

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Ghosting is not boundary setting. Ghosting is actually avoiding boundary setting. It may seem easier in the short term but ultimately it could rob you of the opportunity to name your boundary for yourself and others. To be clear, I am not on a soap box, I am just making the argument that ghosting should not be conflated with boundary setting. Setting a boundary with another person requires that they are actually made aware of the boundary. Ghosting is literally disappearing from the person’s life with no explanation. Some people argue that folks ‘should know’ when they hurt you or offend you. Seriously? Do you know every time you offend someone? With all the variations in norms, values, and communication styles are we really expecting people to inherently know something that is not stated? Obviously I disagree. I think unless you have in fact named for another person what hurts or offends you, you can’t assume that they know. Now whether you want to spend the energy of telling them or not is up to you, but please stop assuming they know if you never said it. There are a lot of hurt people limping through life just trying to make it from day to day. Chances are they are so focused on surviving that they may miss some cues and telling them could be a growth opportunity for them. I won’t pretend that we are always in the space to want to do the work of boundary setting. That’s fair. And truthfully, there can be a delicious sense of satisfaction that can be derived from never ever speaking to a person that has hurt or offended you. My argument is that you don’t have to ghost them. There are healthy ways to let people go, you can read about them on K. E. Garland’s post titled Monday Notes: How to Release People and Experiences. Ghosting is not sustainable. You can’t always ghost folks. For starters sometimes they keep coming back because they haven’t figured out that they have been ghosted. That is literally the worst. And depending on their role in your life ghosting may not be an option. As hard as it is, in most situations clearly stating your boundaries may get you the better outcome. But let’s set the record straight, stating your boundaries and expecting change are not synonymous. Setting the boundary makes your expectations clear – that is what you can control. Behavior change and reactions to you boundaries are totally up to the other party – you cannot control that. So what to do? I find that making a plan helps me. I plan what I will say, how I will say it, when and where I will say it (see more about it here). I plan for the response that concerns me the most and the response that I hope I will get. The response usually falls somewhere in the middle. I won’t lie, it takes courage and E-N-E-R-G-Y but avoiding takes energy too. The approach you choose is up to you – no judgement. Ultimately only you know what is best for you. But remember staying silent about a problem guarantees that it won’t get fixed, saying something at least gives you a 50/50 chance.

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Boundary Related Grief

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Here is a fact, boundary setting can sometimes result in loneliness and grief. Drawing a line in the sand and telling folks not to cross it is your right. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated. However, just like you have choices so do other people, and sometimes they choose to disengage rather than honor your wishes. And when that happens, there can be a sense of loss. Now I know there are some people that we are glad to see go, but for the most part we as humans don’t like to be left. When someone leaves us or we have to leave someone there is a very real possibility, if not probability, that it will hurt. Even if the person doesn’t sever ties, boundary setting can also mean that you have to change the relationship you have with someone because they either can’t, or won’t, honor your wishes. That could mean changing the amount of time you spend with them, or the way you engage with them. It could also mean you choosing to walk away from that relationship altogether. Regardless of whether its a partial or complete loss, there is a sense of loss that can go along with the decision. If the relationship was a close one, or connected to other friends, family or co-worker’s, the change in the relationship could make group settings awkward. The hard part of loss that occurs from boundary setting is that there are no rituals to help bring closure. No one comes to take you out, to cheer you up, or bring you food. No one sends you cards, or comes over to sit with you. Very often, it is a loss that you experience with no days off or acknowledgement and very often with no support. Sometimes you don’t even feel or realize the loss right away, but when it hits that grief is still real. If you’re like me you turn it over in your head a number of times trying to make sure that you made the right choice. And when you determine that you have, it hurts all over again that the person wouldn’t or couldn’t honor your boundary. I think it’s important to mourn all losses; to give yourself space to be sad, or hurt, or angry, or whatever emotion comes up when you realize that someone that used to take up space in your life won’t do it in the same way anymore. That hurt is real and should be acknowledged and attended to. Give yourself time to heal. The relationship may or not be restored at some later date, but in the immediate you will need to recover. Losing parts of relationships or losing them altogether can be lonely. And if you are in the minority regarding the necessity for your boundary, that loneliness can be compounded. It can lead to self doubt, and even some shame. Added to that, you have to learn how to navigate life with this new boundary in place which means changing your own behaviors. If the person you had to walk away from or who chose to walk away from you was a part of your support system, you have to simultaneously navigate the loss of the broken or altered relationship while adjusting to the loss of their support. Although we like to believe differently, people are rarely all good or all bad, so chances are you will miss the person. Even if everyone in your life is celebrating the person’s departure, there is a probability that you will miss them. It’s ok. Unless they were completely heinous, there are probably parts of them that you enjoyed. Allow yourself the chance to mourn. Try to give yourself the space and time you will need to get past it. Regardless of their behavior, you deserve to be able to mourn. Someone else’s bad behavior doesn’t make you less human. Feeling a sense of loss is a natural part of separation. Acknowledging it helps to provide closure. I promise, you will heal and it doesn’t have to be immediate regardless of other people’s opinions. It’s par for the course when making the courageous step to set a boundary.

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Boundary Setting

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In recent years messaging about setting boundaries has become more and more prevalent. We are encouraged to set them, maintain them, not allow people to cross them. And although I agree that they are important to a healthy life, the messaging about boundaries is one-sided. It paints a sort of Disney Mary Poppins view, only focusing on the benefits and never really talking about the costs involved. Obviously, I disagree. I think there is room to talk about both sides – setting them is important AND it will cost you. When you set a boundary you essentially make a statement about what you will and won’t do or accept. It can be emotional just working up the nerve to make the statement, which is a cost all by itself. But there’s more, just making the statement can cause upheaval. And why is it that we are encouraged to believe that it as simple as positivity? The messaging is generally that the healthy people in your life will accept the boundaries without question, and those who don’t aren’t worth your time. Really? Who are all these healthy people milling around in our lives? Being healthy requires an incredible amount of work. How many people are actually doing the work? How many people even have the emotional bandwidth to do the work? And are we really able to disengage with everyone who doesn’t immediately accept our boundaries? Sigh. Realistically, I have found that setting boundaries takes initial work on the setter’s part. And with people with whom you want to maintain a relationship, the actual setting has to be done thoughtfully and with a willingness to remind them of those parameters for a period of time. (To be clear that period of time is not forever.) The truth is it takes people time to change. If they have gotten into a pattern or habit with you, making a change to honor your boundaries could take time and effort. Those who are willing to make the effort will get it eventually, but it will likely mean that you have to do the work of reminding them of the boundary and consistently honoring it yourself. Work. At the other end of the spectrum are the people who either do not or will not accept the boundary. These interactions can be HARD. Initially I think I experience disbelief when this happens, because if it is so important to me, and they care about me, how could they not see it. But people rarely take the time to see things from another person’s perspective, you generally have to guide them down that path. To further complicate matters, sometimes there are power dynamics at play, e.g. a child trying to set boundaries with a parent. When you have tried everything that you can – explaining rationale, impact and cost and have no luck, you are left with a choice. Accept it and do nothing or accept it and alter the relationship. Again, this is hard, because letting go of all or part of a relationship is work. Hard work. Heavy sigh. We have discussed folks on either end of the acceptance spectrum, but in my experience, most people’s reactions to a boundary don’t fall on one end of the spectrum, they fall somewhere in the middle. Whether because they are thinking aspirationally or due to lack of courage, most people don’t actively tell you no. They either say yes and fail to honor the boundary, or honor it inconsistently. Again leaving you with the choice of doing the work of reminding them of their agreement, or the work of altering the relationship. Sigh. Honestly, setting and honoring boundaries will be work for you no matter how it is received by others. It means you have to honor your own boundary consistently. If you don’t honor your own boundary, other folks will follow your lead. So set the boundaries, it is likely healthy for you to set them. But don’t go into it with rose colored glasses. It is essentially change management – you will have early adopters, folks who will change with time and coaching, and folks who will choose not to change at all. While being the boundary setter, you will probably be expected to manage the change for others as well. And I know someone will disagree and say you shouldn’t have to. I want to remind those people that cultures vary and boundary setting in most Western cultures looks very different than it does for those from non-Western cultures, and even those who straddle both cultures. The headline is that while it is worth it, there is work involved when you set a boundary. Please go into it with a clear eyed view of the effort and stamina it will require.

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Why Choose Struggle?

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Me: observing the person struggle. Me: Would you like some help? Them (still struggling): No I got it. I had a decision to make in that moment. Do I continue to watch the struggle while doing nothing? Do I look away? Or do I go over there and help? I chose to walk over and help. The task got done faster than if the person had continued to struggle. What is interesting is that I recognized what was happening in that moment because I do it too. There are times when I choose struggle. Sometimes I choose struggle because I don’t trust the person offering the help. Let’s be real, everyone isn’t offering with a genuine heart so I feel justified in turning those offers down. Sometimes I choose struggle because I really want to figure something out on my own. And sometimes the only way the learning is in the struggle. But only sometimes. Most of the times that I choose struggle, is because the narrative playing in my head at that moment is telling me to refuse the offer of help without thinking it through, it is telling me to choose struggle. Why do I listen? I listen because the messages that I have internalized tell me that I have to prove myself worthy. The messages that I have internalized tell me that I am not good enough as I am, so I deserve to struggle. Somehow I had romanticized struggling and brainwashed myself into believing it made me independent. HA!!!! What it really made me was tired and anxious and at times resentful. It was not healthy. I used to believe that the reason that I didn’t accept help was because I had been a single woman and parent for so long. But that is not entirely true. What is interesting is that I am quick to offer help. Recently I read something that helped me to contextualize my refusal of help as the trauma response it was. I wasn’t shocked but I was fed up. I am not about being controlled and certainly not by unhealthy thought patterns. So I have been reassessing my responses to offers of help. Sometimes the automatic no still pops out of my mouth when an offer of help is extended. However, these days I am accepting help more often and guess what? It feels good to get help. Things get done better and faster and without the struggle. It’s a whole new world for me. Please note, I am still not adept at asking for help, but if you know me in real life and you offer help, there is a good chance that I am accepting. Breaking unhealthy patterns is liberating.

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Don’t Regift Misery

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Yesterday I posted about people in my life who are joy bringers. And as if the universe has an odd sense of humor, today I was in the worst mood. I got more sad news, I am having some weird allergic reaction so I have what I think are hives, and folks were tap dancing on my very last nerve ALL day long. On days like this I have to be careful about my own energy. On days like this I have to monitor myself so that I don’t leak on folks who didn’t cut me. Don’t get me wrong, languishing in my bad mood is tempting but I know that if I don’t get a grip on it, it will get a grip on me. And that is not a part of my journey. So today, I did some things to minimize the risk of me regifting misery. I did some things that bring me joy. First I prayed, because I needed to lean on my faith to get through the day. I ate something delicious. Good tasting food can definitely improve my mood. Don’t judge me. I hung the new art prints that came earlier this week. I am lying, I didn’t hang anything. I supervised the hanging of the prints. I got joy from watching them be hung. I made sure that I found ways to laugh today. I complimented folks today. I also fussed a bit today. I am not one of those folks who try to pretend that I don’t get fussy. I do. And I did today. I needed to let off some steam and one of my joy bringers gave me the space I needed to do that. I am about to sign off for the day and listen to some music, cook and eat some good food, and maybe watch a show that will soothe my soul. If the weather holds up go catch a sunset. I am taking these intentional steps because I am committed to living a life of joy Do me a favor, don’t regift misery. Monitor your own energy. The things you go through are not necessarily gifts that you need to pass on to others. My grandmother used to say you don’t have to look like what you’ve been through. The same goes for the way you behave. Just cause you’re going through some thing it doesn’t mean others want to join you in it. If you have to pass something on, let it be positive energy. So in that vein, here is a shot of the sunset that I took last night. How do you keep yourself from leaking on others when events of your day aren’t feeding your soul? How do you avoid regifting misery? Please enjoy the rest of your day.

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Joy Bringers

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I have heard it said on many occasions that we should be careful who we let into our spaces, – physical, emotional, social, etc – to protect our energy. There are some folks who have positive outlooks on life, who energize other. I don’t mean the folks who are inauthentically joyful all the time. I am talking about the folks who can see you going off the rails and honestly and kindly get you back on track without judgement. Folks who can see when life is kicking you in the teeth, acknowledge it, and remind you that you will get through it even if its hard right now. Folks who remind you of how dope you are when the world tries to make you believe otherwise. I have a crew of folks like that in my life, I call them joy bringers. They are folks who will help me find my glasses for the hundredth time but never judge me. Folks who ask what can I do to help when I am having a bad day. Folks who remind me that I can when insecurities are flaring. Folks who make me laugh at myself when I am getting flustered. Folks who tell me bad jokes and make me laugh at the end of tough workouts or meetings. I am fortunate that they are in my life. I cherish them. Today I was talking to one of them about doing a new thing and she said to me, ‘I get that you’re scared but where is your faith?’. Y’all, when I tell you that snapped me to attention. It ministered to my soul. I am still afraid but she reminded me that my fear, cannot be greater than my faith. My joy bringers keep it real. They tell me the truth in a loving way. They hold me accountable without judging me. They laugh a lot and make me laugh. They are pursuing their own goals while cheering me on as I pursue mine. They are so busy focusing on their own goals that they don’t have time to focus on negativity. The thing about having a crew of joy bringers is that you have to become one yourself. You have to do your own work so that as another one of my joy bringers said, ‘you don’t leak your stuff on folks who didn’t cut you.’ It was such a good way to encapsulate the importance of healing yourself. Cause joy bringers will kindly excuse themselves from your presence if you leak on them. I wasn’t always a joy bringer. I was hurting and leaking my hurt on anyone who came too close. As I healed, I was able to set and stick to boundaries, which allowed me to open up more, which allowed me to become a joy bringer, which allowed me to attract joy bringers – it was a chain reaction. Having joy bringers and being a joy bringer has changed my life. I feel like I have become the me that I was intended to be. If you don’t have a crew of joy bringers, you can assemble one by being a joy bringer, it’s the most fulfilling thing you can do. Focus on healing from whatever hurts and traumas you have experienced. Pick 5 people who energize you to check on and say hello to regularly. Take time to focus on what you are thankful for and if it involves people, let them know how they impacted you. Find opportunities to laugh. When folks need you, start by really listening to understand. Most folks are so happy to have someone listen just for the sake of listening it will bring them joy. Generally folks can solve their own problems. Practice just listening to understand what they are feeling. I am grateful that I am now in an emotional space where I can accept joy and give joy. It has definitely been a game changer in my life. Who are your joy bringers? Have you told them lately that you appreciate them?

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Choosing Rest

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Yesterday I found myself in a terrible mood. I was fussy and cranky and I could not put my finger on the cause until half of the day had slipped away. It was odd because I had started the day in a great mood. At some point in the day, I had decided that it would be good for me to catch up on some work, since I have an upcoming deadline. In retrospect, that is when my mood changed. When I tried to use my weekend to do something other than rest. I had reverted to my grind mentality, prioritizing work over my self-care. To be fair I had been doing very well with prioritizing self-care but trying to meet the deadline threw me off balance. I need the rest. Work is demanding, my days are jam packed with problem solving and putting out fires. Last weekend was sad and it took its toll. I didn’t pause last week and I should have. So this weekend when I tried not to pause again, my emotions let me know very quickly that enough was enough. As soon as I figured it out, I put the work away, and decided that I would rearrange my week to ensure that I meet the deadline. I turned my attention to things that fill my cup, and of course my mood improved. I am going to meet that deadline, and the end product will good. But I won’t sacrifice resting this weekend. This weekend, I am resting and doing things that energize me. I am going back to the original plan; I am resisting the grind.

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