Ghosting is not boundary setting. Ghosting is actually avoiding boundary setting. It may seem easier in the short term but ultimately it could rob you of the opportunity to name your boundary for yourself and others. To be clear, I am not on a soap box, I am just making the argument that ghosting should not be conflated with boundary setting. Setting a boundary with another person requires that they are actually made aware of the boundary. Ghosting is literally disappearing from the person’s life with no explanation.
Some people argue that folks ‘should know’ when they hurt you or offend you. Seriously? Do you know every time you offend someone? With all the variations in norms, values, and communication styles are we really expecting people to inherently know something that is not stated? Obviously I disagree. I think unless you have in fact named for another person what hurts or offends you, you can’t assume that they know. Now whether you want to spend the energy of telling them or not is up to you, but please stop assuming they know if you never said it. There are a lot of hurt people limping through life just trying to make it from day to day. Chances are they are so focused on surviving that they may miss some cues and telling them could be a growth opportunity for them.
I won’t pretend that we are always in the space to want to do the work of boundary setting. That’s fair. And truthfully, there can be a delicious sense of satisfaction that can be derived from never ever speaking to a person that has hurt or offended you. My argument is that you don’t have to ghost them. There are healthy ways to let people go, you can read about them on K. E. Garland’s post titled Monday Notes: How to Release People and Experiences. Ghosting is not sustainable. You can’t always ghost folks. For starters sometimes they keep coming back because they haven’t figured out that they have been ghosted. That is literally the worst. And depending on their role in your life ghosting may not be an option. As hard as it is, in most situations clearly stating your boundaries may get you the better outcome.
But let’s set the record straight, stating your boundaries and expecting change are not synonymous. Setting the boundary makes your expectations clear – that is what you can control. Behavior change and reactions to you boundaries are totally up to the other party – you cannot control that. So what to do? I find that making a plan helps me. I plan what I will say, how I will say it, when and where I will say it (see more about it here). I plan for the response that concerns me the most and the response that I hope I will get. The response usually falls somewhere in the middle. I won’t lie, it takes courage and E-N-E-R-G-Y but avoiding takes energy too.
The approach you choose is up to you – no judgement. Ultimately only you know what is best for you. But remember staying silent about a problem guarantees that it won’t get fixed, saying something at least gives you a 50/50 chance.
