Wellness

Boundary Setting

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In recent years messaging about setting boundaries has become more and more prevalent. We are encouraged to set them, maintain them, not allow people to cross them. And although I agree that they are important to a healthy life, the messaging about boundaries is one-sided. It paints a sort of Disney Mary Poppins view, only focusing on the benefits and never really talking about the costs involved. Obviously, I disagree. I think there is room to talk about both sides – setting them is important AND it will cost you. When you set a boundary you essentially make a statement about what you will and won’t do or accept. It can be emotional just working up the nerve to make the statement, which is a cost all by itself. But there’s more, just making the statement can cause upheaval. And why is it that we are encouraged to believe that it as simple as positivity? The messaging is generally that the healthy people in your life will accept the boundaries without question, and those who don’t aren’t worth your time. Really? Who are all these healthy people milling around in our lives? Being healthy requires an incredible amount of work. How many people are actually doing the work? How many people even have the emotional bandwidth to do the work? And are we really able to disengage with everyone who doesn’t immediately accept our boundaries? Sigh. Realistically, I have found that setting boundaries takes initial work on the setter’s part. And with people with whom you want to maintain a relationship, the actual setting has to be done thoughtfully and with a willingness to remind them of those parameters for a period of time. (To be clear that period of time is not forever.) The truth is it takes people time to change. If they have gotten into a pattern or habit with you, making a change to honor your boundaries could take time and effort. Those who are willing to make the effort will get it eventually, but it will likely mean that you have to do the work of reminding them of the boundary and consistently honoring it yourself. Work. At the other end of the spectrum are the people who either do not or will not accept the boundary. These interactions can be HARD. Initially I think I experience disbelief when this happens, because if it is so important to me, and they care about me, how could they not see it. But people rarely take the time to see things from another person’s perspective, you generally have to guide them down that path. To further complicate matters, sometimes there are power dynamics at play, e.g. a child trying to set boundaries with a parent. When you have tried everything that you can – explaining rationale, impact and cost and have no luck, you are left with a choice. Accept it and do nothing or accept it and alter the relationship. Again, this is hard, because letting go of all or part of a relationship is work. Hard work. Heavy sigh. We have discussed folks on either end of the acceptance spectrum, but in my experience, most people’s reactions to a boundary don’t fall on one end of the spectrum, they fall somewhere in the middle. Whether because they are thinking aspirationally or due to lack of courage, most people don’t actively tell you no. They either say yes and fail to honor the boundary, or honor it inconsistently. Again leaving you with the choice of doing the work of reminding them of their agreement, or the work of altering the relationship. Sigh. Honestly, setting and honoring boundaries will be work for you no matter how it is received by others. It means you have to honor your own boundary consistently. If you don’t honor your own boundary, other folks will follow your lead. So set the boundaries, it is likely healthy for you to set them. But don’t go into it with rose colored glasses. It is essentially change management – you will have early adopters, folks who will change with time and coaching, and folks who will choose not to change at all. While being the boundary setter, you will probably be expected to manage the change for others as well. And I know someone will disagree and say you shouldn’t have to. I want to remind those people that cultures vary and boundary setting in most Western cultures looks very different than it does for those from non-Western cultures, and even those who straddle both cultures. The headline is that while it is worth it, there is work involved when you set a boundary. Please go into it with a clear eyed view of the effort and stamina it will require.

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Why Choose Struggle?

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Me: observing the person struggle. Me: Would you like some help? Them (still struggling): No I got it. I had a decision to make in that moment. Do I continue to watch the struggle while doing nothing? Do I look away? Or do I go over there and help? I chose to walk over and help. The task got done faster than if the person had continued to struggle. What is interesting is that I recognized what was happening in that moment because I do it too. There are times when I choose struggle. Sometimes I choose struggle because I don’t trust the person offering the help. Let’s be real, everyone isn’t offering with a genuine heart so I feel justified in turning those offers down. Sometimes I choose struggle because I really want to figure something out on my own. And sometimes the only way the learning is in the struggle. But only sometimes. Most of the times that I choose struggle, is because the narrative playing in my head at that moment is telling me to refuse the offer of help without thinking it through, it is telling me to choose struggle. Why do I listen? I listen because the messages that I have internalized tell me that I have to prove myself worthy. The messages that I have internalized tell me that I am not good enough as I am, so I deserve to struggle. Somehow I had romanticized struggling and brainwashed myself into believing it made me independent. HA!!!! What it really made me was tired and anxious and at times resentful. It was not healthy. I used to believe that the reason that I didn’t accept help was because I had been a single woman and parent for so long. But that is not entirely true. What is interesting is that I am quick to offer help. Recently I read something that helped me to contextualize my refusal of help as the trauma response it was. I wasn’t shocked but I was fed up. I am not about being controlled and certainly not by unhealthy thought patterns. So I have been reassessing my responses to offers of help. Sometimes the automatic no still pops out of my mouth when an offer of help is extended. However, these days I am accepting help more often and guess what? It feels good to get help. Things get done better and faster and without the struggle. It’s a whole new world for me. Please note, I am still not adept at asking for help, but if you know me in real life and you offer help, there is a good chance that I am accepting. Breaking unhealthy patterns is liberating.

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The Cost of Looking Away

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Integrity. One word, only nine letters but the weight of it is incredibly impactful. Every time we are faced with a decision we have the choice to demonstrate integrity. I would never pretend that choosing integrity is always easy. Sometimes choosing integrity means you are going against the grain, making the unpopular choice and standing alone. I am not a romantic person who waxes poetic about the virtues of making the right choice. It’s hard if we are being honest. Integrity always costs something. Energy, acceptance, peace, time, companionship – the list could go on forever. So I completely understand that some times it is easier to fit in or just stay quiet because we don’t want to risk the cost of integrity. Sometimes we convince ourselves that the cost isn’t worth it. And there are times when that leaves us a bit uneasy, and there are other times it doesn’t bother us one tiny bit. Can we tell the truth? I am not here to judge. How could I? We are all human and I don’t always get it right. But the thing I am reminding myself of lately is that the systems that are used to oppress others only work because people look away instead of choosing integrity. They thrive on our choices to do what is comfortable instead of standing for what is right. Don’t believe me, watch? A group of people chose integrity in the summer of 2020 when a police officer used his power irresponsibly to murder George Floyd. What if they had chosen to look away? As a matter of fact, I have a better question. Do we think this was the first time that officer had used his power irresponsibly? Unlikely, but what is more likely is that others saw his problematic behavior and chose to look away. It may seem harmless to look away when faced with the cost of integrity, but is it really harmless? It may not cost us, but it costs someone, hopefully not their lives, but the point is that it is not harmless. Many of us are in positions of power in various parts of our lives. What is the cost if we don’t demonstrate integrity, and who pays it? Systems are maintained by people, and when we let our integrity slip, oppressive systems thrive. I can’t determine for anyone if, and when, they should choose integrity, but I do know that even if you don’t pay the cost, someone will. Integrity is not an abstract or nebulous concept, according to the Oxford dictionary it is the actual practice ‘of being honest and having strong moral principles’. I would like my legacy to be that I engaged and spoke up and that I was a person of integrity, I don’t want to be the person who looks away and allows someone else to pay the cost. This doesn’t mean that I will be Don Quixote tilting at every windmill (Do people still know what that means?), but when I am in positions where I need to speak up, I will.

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Repairing the Damage

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Last week something happened at work that completely irritated me. If I am being honest, I was fire hot. Like so annoyed I was probably turning shades of purple. I reacted. I am not proud. I said something in an exasperated tone to someone on my team. It was a mistake for several reasons. First, there was a power dynamic. I am the manager of the person’s manager. Second I was angry. In my case speaking in anger is never a great idea, unless I want to burn the relationship to the ground. Third we were in a group setting, so my less than friendly tone was abundantly clear to people from various teams. Luckily for me there was at least one person in that space who cared enough about me to tell me the truth. Honestly and clearly, she told me I was hard on the team member. I trusted her enough to listen. Don’t get me wrong, it did not feel good to get feedback, no matter how thoughtfully delivered, that I had potentially hurt someone. I took the feedback. But let me be clear, taking the feedback didn’t make me less angry. If I am being honest, it probably made me angrier, because in addition to feeling offended, my pride was hurt. Yet I had to own my stuff. I had to swallow the aforementioned pride and repair the damage. The meeting we were in at the time of the offense is a standing meeting with a variety of members from teams I manage. This means the team member would have to see that same group of team members every week after being publicly humiliated. After my reaction, it could have become an uncomfortable and unfriendly space, after all that is what I had modeled. So at today’s meeting I apologized. I could have apologized privately, but I felt that the offense had been public, so the apology needed to be public. Of course by today I was no longer angry, but I wasn’t sure of what impact of my words and tone had had on the team member. I apologized to let the team member know that regardless of position, on this team when we injure, when we make mistakes, we own them. She accepted my apology and thanked me for offering it. She didn’t have to. In the moment of the offense I was self-centered and focused on my own emotions. She could have been just as self-centered and focused on her own emotions. I am grateful that the team member accepted the apology. I am even more grateful that my friend gave me the feedback. I am grateful that I was able to hear and accept the feedback. Celebrate people who tell you the truth. Those are the ones who really care about you. Be humble enough to accept that your intentions don’t have to be negative to have a negative impact on someone. Own your stuff. When you are wrong own it. We all make mistakes, but what we do after the mistake speaks volumes about our character. Understand your power and privilege. I was tempted to make excuses for myself to avoid apologizing. It would have sounded like this. ‘Even as a team leader, I am fallible and flawed’. But here is the thing, so is my team mate. She made a mistake and got publicly chastised. I made a mistake and got private correction. So that public apology was important. She needed to know that despite position and titles, I recognized that I had not treated her well and was sorry about that. I don’t know where she and I will go from here, but I do know that I have a bridge to rebuild. Annoying stuff will happen, but it doesn’t justify offensive behavior. And on the occasions that offensive behavior surfaces it is important to repair the damage.

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Owning the Journey

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Things that bring joy don’t always feel joyful in the moment, but that doesn’t mean you should quit. Let me explain. My trainer said something similar this morning. I have a terrible memory so I don’t recall his exact words, but he referenced the work I did to earn my terminal degree to make the point. It worked. Completing a doctoral degree was anything but joyful. There were many sacrifices made, many outings missed, and a ton of reading and writing to get me to the finish line. But the point is I finished. I finished because I was disciplined. I finished because I wanted it more than I wanted the things I missed out on while on the journey. I finished because I had people in my corner supporting me. Here is the money question – if I could be disciplined enough to accomplish that and other goals, why then is accomplishing the goal of peace so hard? I know peace is not a tangible goal like the diploma (which by the way is sitting in my closet unframed, don’t judge me) but couldn’t the same principles apply? In order to earn the degree I had to name the goal, understand the road map, enlist supporters, and do the work. My curiosity now has me comparing the goals to see what would be different for my peace journey. First is the roadmap. I understand the road map. The roadmap may not be a list of classes that I have to take or papers I have to write, but the roadmap is definitely comprised of a set of skills in which I have to become proficient. Just like with grad school, I may not like that it means I have to say no to some people and things, but I have done that before. I had to say no a lot during the doctoral journey and I have learned a lot of really nice ways to say it. Some of the skills I have to show proficiency in are self awareness, changing my perspective, setting and sticking to boundaries, giving myself grace, and engaging primarily (completely is not realistic for me right now) in what feeds my soul. They are totally attainable. Second, I would have to enlist supporters. Enlisting supporters is a bit different for a graduate school journey than living a peaceful life. Grad school is a temporary experience and it is a socially acceptable pursuit. A journey to peace may feel superfluous to some, and it may completely offend others, but there are still supporters. I don’t need a host of people but I do need folks who will support me. And honestly when I look around, I have that. I have folks who don’t get upset when I set boundaries. I have folks who will encourage and support me to make the changes I need to make to live a peaceful life. I have folks who remind me to have grace with others and myself. I could go on and on, but the point is I have the supporters. So that leaves doing the work. Of course I saved the best for last. I just have to do the work. The tricky thing about the work is that it means confronting myself. For example, when my need to please says yes to a request I don’t have the interest or time to do, and I detour from my peace journey, I have to be honest with myself and own that. Or when I set a boundary and someone gets upset and it hurts, I have to be honest about why it hurts. Does it hurt because I really wanted their approval, does it hurt because I feel rejected, or does it hurt because I have internalized the subjugation of own my needs and wants for the benefit of others? When I get frustrated about events in my life, I have to own the part I played in it and be honest about how I need to adjust. I can’t lie to myself and blame it on other people. That is seductive and easy. But, the truth is I live the life I want either by my action or inaction. Some would say we all do, but I am not a fan of blanket statements. So here is where I landed. Ultimately, if I want peace (as defined by me), it is within my control. I choose the work I do, how I live, the people in my circle, the perspective I take, the conversations I have, and the actions I take. So if I want something, I have to actually pursue it strategically, with the same determination and discipline I used to accomplish other goals. I have to understand that the day to day emotions may hit peaks and valleys. I have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices and put in the work. I am not a fan of a prescribed number of steps to whatever the thing is you are trying to accomplish, because each person’s journey is different. Six may work for one person but another may need ten, or only three. Accomplishing goals is a personal process and should be approached that way. I am walking away from this musing with one take away and that is, if I am going to accomplish anything I have to own my role in the journey. Since I am the person trying to get to the finish line I have to actually get in the driver’s seat and own the journey. How do you set yourself up to accomplish your goals? What journey are you on?

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Don’t Regift Misery

Wellness /

Yesterday I posted about people in my life who are joy bringers. And as if the universe has an odd sense of humor, today I was in the worst mood. I got more sad news, I am having some weird allergic reaction so I have what I think are hives, and folks were tap dancing on my very last nerve ALL day long. On days like this I have to be careful about my own energy. On days like this I have to monitor myself so that I don’t leak on folks who didn’t cut me. Don’t get me wrong, languishing in my bad mood is tempting but I know that if I don’t get a grip on it, it will get a grip on me. And that is not a part of my journey. So today, I did some things to minimize the risk of me regifting misery. I did some things that bring me joy. First I prayed, because I needed to lean on my faith to get through the day. I ate something delicious. Good tasting food can definitely improve my mood. Don’t judge me. I hung the new art prints that came earlier this week. I am lying, I didn’t hang anything. I supervised the hanging of the prints. I got joy from watching them be hung. I made sure that I found ways to laugh today. I complimented folks today. I also fussed a bit today. I am not one of those folks who try to pretend that I don’t get fussy. I do. And I did today. I needed to let off some steam and one of my joy bringers gave me the space I needed to do that. I am about to sign off for the day and listen to some music, cook and eat some good food, and maybe watch a show that will soothe my soul. If the weather holds up go catch a sunset. I am taking these intentional steps because I am committed to living a life of joy Do me a favor, don’t regift misery. Monitor your own energy. The things you go through are not necessarily gifts that you need to pass on to others. My grandmother used to say you don’t have to look like what you’ve been through. The same goes for the way you behave. Just cause you’re going through some thing it doesn’t mean others want to join you in it. If you have to pass something on, let it be positive energy. So in that vein, here is a shot of the sunset that I took last night. How do you keep yourself from leaking on others when events of your day aren’t feeding your soul? How do you avoid regifting misery? Please enjoy the rest of your day.

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Joy Bringers

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I have heard it said on many occasions that we should be careful who we let into our spaces, – physical, emotional, social, etc – to protect our energy. There are some folks who have positive outlooks on life, who energize other. I don’t mean the folks who are inauthentically joyful all the time. I am talking about the folks who can see you going off the rails and honestly and kindly get you back on track without judgement. Folks who can see when life is kicking you in the teeth, acknowledge it, and remind you that you will get through it even if its hard right now. Folks who remind you of how dope you are when the world tries to make you believe otherwise. I have a crew of folks like that in my life, I call them joy bringers. They are folks who will help me find my glasses for the hundredth time but never judge me. Folks who ask what can I do to help when I am having a bad day. Folks who remind me that I can when insecurities are flaring. Folks who make me laugh at myself when I am getting flustered. Folks who tell me bad jokes and make me laugh at the end of tough workouts or meetings. I am fortunate that they are in my life. I cherish them. Today I was talking to one of them about doing a new thing and she said to me, ‘I get that you’re scared but where is your faith?’. Y’all, when I tell you that snapped me to attention. It ministered to my soul. I am still afraid but she reminded me that my fear, cannot be greater than my faith. My joy bringers keep it real. They tell me the truth in a loving way. They hold me accountable without judging me. They laugh a lot and make me laugh. They are pursuing their own goals while cheering me on as I pursue mine. They are so busy focusing on their own goals that they don’t have time to focus on negativity. The thing about having a crew of joy bringers is that you have to become one yourself. You have to do your own work so that as another one of my joy bringers said, ‘you don’t leak your stuff on folks who didn’t cut you.’ It was such a good way to encapsulate the importance of healing yourself. Cause joy bringers will kindly excuse themselves from your presence if you leak on them. I wasn’t always a joy bringer. I was hurting and leaking my hurt on anyone who came too close. As I healed, I was able to set and stick to boundaries, which allowed me to open up more, which allowed me to become a joy bringer, which allowed me to attract joy bringers – it was a chain reaction. Having joy bringers and being a joy bringer has changed my life. I feel like I have become the me that I was intended to be. If you don’t have a crew of joy bringers, you can assemble one by being a joy bringer, it’s the most fulfilling thing you can do. Focus on healing from whatever hurts and traumas you have experienced. Pick 5 people who energize you to check on and say hello to regularly. Take time to focus on what you are thankful for and if it involves people, let them know how they impacted you. Find opportunities to laugh. When folks need you, start by really listening to understand. Most folks are so happy to have someone listen just for the sake of listening it will bring them joy. Generally folks can solve their own problems. Practice just listening to understand what they are feeling. I am grateful that I am now in an emotional space where I can accept joy and give joy. It has definitely been a game changer in my life. Who are your joy bringers? Have you told them lately that you appreciate them?

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