Who Do You Say You Are?

Sometimes you can find yourself running on autopilot, only to realize you’re living out a script that feels a few sizes too small. I didn’t necessarily realize when this was happening to me. I just knew that I wasn’t happy. I was irritable and crabby and it felt like I was living someone else’s life. Truthfully I was mad at everyone else when the problem was really me. I was changing and the activities I was used to and the things that had traditionally soothed me were no longer working. In short I had outgrown my life, but I was clinging to that too tight uncomfortable life with a vise grip. I am not alone, it’s a common thing. Let me explain. Sometimes, we cling to old roles that don’t reflect who we are currently and we look around and think that the problem is everything and everyone but the person we see in the mirror. To change my too tight uncomfortable life, I did a drastic thing. I packed up and moved to a new state to start over alone. To be clear, you don’t have to be that drastic. You could start by updating our self-perceptions and truly embracing your most authentic self. It’s less expensive, but not necessarily easier.

Update Your Identity Narrative

To do this we have to agree on a truth and that is: our identities are not set in stone—they morph and grow just as we do physically. But often, we hang onto past versions of ourselves like we hold on to those clothes that no longer fit or are worn out because it’s familiar. I’m not judging you, I get it. I am inviting you to update your identity so that you can align your perception of yourself with who you actually are now, not who you were in the past. For me, the part of my identity I had been clinging to was not positive (shocker). I was operating from a place of fear and letting it limit me. Here’s how my therapist led me through the transformative process:

• Self-Reflection: Take some time to think about all the roles you play—mother, partner, friend, leader. Are these roles fulfilling? Do they reflect your current values and aspirations? Reflecting helps you identify which parts of your identity feel outdated. And when I tell you, what I found was shocking and a little jarring. If that happens for you, know you are not alone. I processed it in therapy which I highly recommend.
• Re-evaluate Your Values and Goals: As your life changes, so do your values and goals. What mattered to you five years ago might not hold the same weight today. Reassess what’s important to you now, and let this guide the reshaping of your identity. For me, living for everyone else was no longer working for me. I had spent so much time being what I thought everyone needed that I had become resentful towards them. To fix that I had to become comfortable with prioritizing me which if you are raised as a Caribbean woman is completely foreign.
• Embrace Growth and Change: Often, we resist updating our identities because change can be downright scary. Recognizing that growth is a part of life, and embracing it has lead to fulfillment and happiness for me. But to get there I had to do some internal work to understand that who I even wanted to be. I am a gen-xer. That tag line self-care is not selfish is popular now, it wasn’t when I was growing. To take that step I definitely needed to shift my mindset to believing that taking the time to focus on my would not cause damage. The good news is that accepting that change allowed me be truer to me which made me happier and more pleasant to be around. Cause boy was I miserable before.

Practical Strategies for Embracing Your Current Identity

So like we talked about, shedding outdated aspects of your identity and embracing the current version of yourself requires intentional action. And you know I won’t leave you hanging. Here are some practical strategies to help you if you decide to make this shift:

• Create a Vision Board: Visualize the “you” that you want to embrace. Include your new interests, career goals, or personal aspirations by creating a physical manifestation of that vision. The how doesn’t matter as much as the purpose of the vision board. So create it in a way that resonates with you. The purpose of the vision board is that it serves as a daily reminder of your evolving identity. So put it somewhere where you can see it daily. I created mine digitally and then saved it as a jpeg and made it the wallpaper on my laptop. I spend an inordinate amount of time on my laptop so I see it A LOT. I also update my vision board quarterly so that I am accounting for my own evolution. How would you create yours, and where would you put it.
• Update Your Skills: If your new identity goals include new skills or hobbies, take classes or find resources that can help you. For example, when I wanted to learn how to swim I took classes. When I decided I wanted to transition my blog into a business I took classes. Now that I have decided I want to publish, you guessed it, I took classes. I love to learn, especially when I am learning about something I want to do. So what do you want to learn about? How do you want to learn about it?
• Set Small, Achievable Goals: Break down your identity updates into small, manageable goals. Want to be more adventurous? Start by exploring new places locally before booking that solo travel adventure. ‘Author’ has been on my vision board for years, so I started by finding my voice with this blog. You have no idea how big a step that was for me the poster child for introverts. But I took it. Now I write two blogs and I’m working on projects for print. Am I nervous, heck yeh. But I am taking small steps to achieve the goals. And somehow the bite sized goals, cause less nerves for me. What is a goal that you want to achieve? What is one small step you can take today?
• Journal Your Journey: Keep a journal of your thoughts and experiences as you explore these new parts of yourself. Writing down your progress can help you process your feelings and keep track of your growth. I have to be honest I am not much of a journaler. I used to journal all the time, so I know the value of it. But somehow it not a part of my new journey. I guess to an extent, my blogs are my version of a journal. Are you into journaling or vlogging?
• Seek Feedback: Now let me be clear here, when I say people – I mean your trusted circle. Not just any old person. Talk to people who know you well and see how their perceptions of you match your own. What changes in your interests or behaviors have they noticed. Sometimes, feedback from your trusted circle can affirm your new direction or provide a different perspective. Who can you talk to to get some useful feedback?
• Self-Compassion: As you explore new identities, be kind to yourself. Change isn’t always linear, and it’s okay to have moments of doubt or confusion. You’re human. Don’t park in doubt’s driveway. Practice mindfulness to stay present and self-compassion to forgive yourself for any stumbles along the way. Treat yourself like you would treat a five year old that you love. I usually say, ‘It’s ok,You’ve done hard things. You got this.’ What is one phrase you can say to yourself when you are feeling doubtful?

Navigating Relationships with People Stuck in the Past

It’s one thing to update your own view of yourself, but another to deal with people who only see the outdated version of you. Now I am channeling all the good in me to write this part because these folks can be hella annoying and my first inclination is to shut down and stop engaging. But thankfully a part of my evolution has included being more gracious. So these strategies I am sharing below are ones that have worked for the new version of me. Here’s my advice on how to handle those who might not yet recognize the person you’ve become. Please feel free to choose what you like and leave the rest.

• Choose Your Company Wisely: Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, some people may not be able to see past the old us. I honestly think some people are so deeply invested in themselves that they have no room to see anyone else. And then there are those who are simply negative. If you are going to be successful, it’s important to surround yourself with people who support and uplift the current version of you. For me this meant spending less time with people who couldn’t or wouldn’t accept the changes I made. It just didn’t fit with what was on my vision board.
• Communicate Openly and Honestly: Let them know as patiently and as kindly as you kind that you’ve grown and changed. If you want to you can explain the rationale and how the changes will manifest in your behaviors. Because truthfully if someone cares and you communicate clearly it can help bridge their understanding gap.
• Set Boundaries: If certain people, you know exactly who they are, insist on bringing up the past in ways that make you uncomfortable, it’s okay to set boundaries. You might need to kindly but firmly let them know what topics or comments are off-limits, and reinforce those boundaries when they try to cross them.
• Give Them Time: Just as it takes time for you to adjust to changes within yourself, it might also take time for others to see and accept the new you. Be patient, and firm. My partner still points out when foods are gluten free even though its been three years since I needed to follow a gluten free diet.

Wrap-Up

Ok, so we are at the end of another post inspired by my chats with my therapist. Who do you say you are? This was a powerful question ior me because it forced me to reflect on what was old, what was current, and how I was using outdated narratives and evidence to define myself. So here is my invitation to you – join me on this journey to shed old layers and celebrate the person you’ve become. Think of it as honoring your current self and making space for continued growth and new possibilities.

Talk back to me. What aspects of your identity have changed recently? Share your experiences with me, or someone you love. Your story could be the spark that someone else needs. Let’s support each other in embracing our true, updated selves. I can honestly say that this work has helped me discover true joy and look forward to who I am becoming!