Break Up with Fear

How to Evict Fear and Reclaim Your Joy

If fear were a person, it would be an ex who still thinks they are essential to your life and tries to stop by unannounced. You know the type, they always seem to pop up at the wrong times trying to remind you of how good you were together. And its usually when you are curled up somewhere with a good book or a movie, or set to dance around your living room doing your best Ciara imitation. They pop up out of nowhere ready to whisper, “Are you sure you’ve got the moves?” just as you’re about to get it in! Well, it’s time to change the locks and dance like nobody’s watching. Let’s talk about how to evict fear and reclaim your joy, and yes, we’re throwing a party where fear is definitely not invited. So get your playlist ready.

Understanding Fear

First things first, let’s understand our clingy companion. Fear isn’t just an emotion; it’s a survival mechanism that sometimes goes into overdrive. It can save us from real danger, but it can also keep us from great opportunities. Recognizing the difference is key.

Here’s why understanding fear matters:

• Identify Triggers: Know what sets off your fear. Is it public speaking? New environments? This awareness is the first step in managing it. For me I have this irrational fear of failure. Mind you, I have failed plenty in life (Remember the epic fail with the sidewalk a few months ago?) and I am still here to tell the story, but there it is.
• Rational vs. Irrational: If you’re going to beat it, you have to learn to distinguish between fears that protect you and fears that limit you. Not all fears are built on reality. A very real fear that does protect me is negativity. I limit my consumption of negativity because it activates my anxieties. So I don’t watch horror movies. I have a very active imagination and the last thing I need is to have my imagination go into overdrive when I am home alone.

Distinguishing Protective Fear from Limiting Fear

Sometimes fear is a guardian angel; other times, it’s a rusty chain attached to an anchor dragging you down into the depths of the ocean. Here’s how to tell the difference:

• Protective Fear: This fear pops up in response to genuine threats. It gives you a quick heartbeat and a surge of adrenaline when you’re in actual danger—like if you’re walking alone at night and hear footsteps behind you. It’s there to protect you. For the love of all that is good and true, listen to it. This is not the time for bravery. If getting on an elevator with someone you deem to be creepy freaks you out, act like you forgot something and walk away. There will be another elevator, and unless they are the elevator attendant, creepy person probably won’t be on it. That fear is necessary for your safety, but then there is the other kind of fear.
• Limiting Fear: This kind of fear is more about the “what ifs” that have a low chance of happening but keep you from taking chances—like fear of asking for a promotion because you think you might get rejected. Or fear of starting a blog because you may get trolls who leave negative comments. Hey, don’t judge me. My fears and possibly your fears are based on past insecurities and certainly not on the current reality. In the year that I have been authoring this blog and putting myself out there more on social media, I have only had one person try me. Let’s just say it didn’t go well for her and leave it there.

Strategies to Break Up with Fear

Breaking up with fear means taking back control and not letting it dictate your actions. Because truthfully, who and what deserves that kind of power over you? Exactly. So let’s talk about some practical steps to help you start living more boldly today.

1. Communicate with Yourself

• Journaling: Write down your fears. Seeing them on paper can make them less intimidating and more manageable. I wrote a whole post on how I turn mine into a to-do list.
• Self-Talk: Change the narrative. Instead of saying “I can’t,” start saying “I can,” or “I will try.” Positive affirmations can rewire your thoughts and I know it sounds incredulous but it really works.

2. Educate Yourself

• Knowledge is Power: I have found that more often than not I fear what I don’t understand. Whether it’s a new skill or facing a challenge, so I learned to educate myself about it. The more I know, the less scary it becomes. So if I want to do it, I research, get a coach if necessary and I do it. That’s how I learned to swim at my big age.

3. Start Small

• Baby Steps: Facing your fears doesn’t have to be a dramatic showdown. Start small. If you’re afraid of public speaking, start by speaking up more in meetings, then maybe a small group, and work your way up. Before I went for swimming lessons, I started by floating in the pool with a noodle. Then I took group classes, and then private lessons. Now I am no Katie Ledecky, but I can move through the pool with less fear. And your girl has come to enjoy the reverse breaststroke on a sunny day. The breast stroke on the other hand took me f-o-r-e-v-e-r (Make sure you drag it out when you say it, cause that’s how long it took) to learn.

4. Build a Support System

• Lean on Others: You don’t have to do it alone. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your fears. They can offer support, advice, and encouragement. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know how I feel about my therapist, she has helped me to release myself from my self imposed prison and step fully into joy.

5. Practice Mindfulness and Relaxation

• Stay Present: Mindfulness keeps you rooted in the present moment, often reducing feelings of fear about the future. We’ve talked about this before. Remember mindfulness doesn’t have to be complicated. Just stop whatever you’re thinking about and fully experience the physical sensations and/or your environment for nine deep breaths. Chances are whatever you’re thinking about is either past or future, so pausing to be present for nine deep breaths will bring you some calm.
• Relaxation Techniques: Try exercise, meditation, or yoga to manage stress and anxiety. These practices can help calm your mind and reduce the physical symptoms of fear. To be honest with you I do guided meditations, but that is not the only thing that helps. Punching my standing punching bag, usually while I am imagining the faces of people who have annoyed me also helps. So get out there and move. You would be surprised at how much exercise helps you to relax.

Embracing Courage

Remember, breaking up with fear doesn’t mean you’ll never feel afraid again – I have it on good authority that something would be seriously wrong with you if you didn’t feel fear. Breaking up with fear means you don’t let fear control your life. And the good news is that every time you face a fear, you’re building your courage muscle. Come on bravery!

Here’s how to embrace your newfound bravery:

• Celebrate Wins: Big or small, celebrate every victory over fear. It doesn’t have to be a big celebration. I do a chair dance or actually get up and dance around my office. Sometimes it helps to snap a picture to capture the memory. This reinforces positive behavior and makes you more likely to keep pushing your boundaries.
• Reflect on Growth: Look back at where you started and where you are now. Acknowledge your progress—it’s a powerful motivator. If you have been reading this blog, you know that I started this because I wanted to find my voice again after feeling constrained by APA during years of graduate school. What started as me finding my voice has grown into a thriving coaching business where I help other women find their voices. How’s that for growth? All you have to do is start and be consistent, the growth will come.

Conclusion

So, what’s your next step? How about this, choose one fear you want to tackle first. Plan your approach using the strategies we talked about. Have those conversations with yourself, gather your support team, and take that first small step and that’s how we kick limiting fear to the curb.

Breaking up with fear has been liberating for me. It’s bigger than just saying goodbye to anxiety; it’s about welcoming new experiences, growth, and, ultimately, a fuller life. I moved to a new city, started two new businesses, and learned to swim in the last year. All things I would have been afraid of before. But you know what I found, JOY!!!! How about joining me? Share your journey, your struggles, and your victories. Let’s support each other because together, we are unstoppable. Here’s to breaking up with fear and skipping into joy!

What strategies will you use to break up with fear? Drop your thoughts below and let’s kick fear to the curb together!

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