Changing Seats

Sometimes relationships can be like outfits, you outgrow them. I was always taught that people can enter your life for a reason or a season, and when that reason or season is over, be willing to let go. Well, that is easier said than done. Sometimes, letting go is painful, especially when you are the one who is being let go. Even when you are locked in a toxic spiral with someone it can be hard to see that. And if people tell you that your relationship is not serving you, whew!!! Let me just say, that conversation is for the brave. I rarely choose bravery in those situations.

Generally when we think of outgrowing relationships we think of romantic relationships, but if I am being honest, the relationships I have had the hardest time getting over are the ones where you make true connections. And those are not limited to romantic relationships. You know what I am talking about – the friendships where you and your friend just clicked, they got you, and you felt at ease with them. You used to be able to talk about everything and anything and then one day things just changed and the connection was lost.

The truth is, what seems like a sudden change, is generally the result of growth by one or both people over time. Growth is good, and although we miss people in our lives who grow in different directions, what if we reframed it. When we get the chance to be a part of someone’s journey and our connection with them changes instead of being angry about it, how about being grateful for what you experienced and learned from them. And if you’re sitting there saying you didn’t learn anything, then be grateful that you got the chance to teach them.

I think being a teacher prepared me to accept temporal relationships. The very nature of teaching is that you will pour into someone for a set amount of time, and they will move on after that period of time. They may keep in touch, they may not. The relationship will necessarily change when they are no longer your student, and that is all ok. In fact it is expected.

If you think of your life as a theater, people will occupy different seats at different points in your life. But just because some one isn’t in the orchestra rows, it doesn’t mean they are out of the theater. Maybe they just need to occupy a different seat. There are folks who need to be escorted out and never allowed to re-enter but that is a different post for a different day. Allowing people the latitude to move around the theater means you and the other person have the opportunity to learn and grow from a diverse group of people over time.

So the moral of the story is that when you find yourself in a situation where you are outgrowing someone, or they are outgrowing you, don’t cling on for dear life. That generally does not end well. I may or may not have learned this lesson when I was publicly rejected in a New York City park as a young adult. It wasn’t pretty.

Instead take some time to reflect. Here are some prompts that could help.

Is the relationship serving both people?

Can you each provide the other what they need while being your authentic self?

Do both of you have the desire and the skill to meet the other’s needs?

And if the answer is not yes to at least the second question, then maybe with a grateful heart, you can allow the person to occupy a new seat in the theater, or allow them to leave. It doesn’t mean they won’t ever come back. The ability to be yourself is so incredibly important, and having to suppress parts of you to be in relationship with someone is unsustainable.

P.S. I am cool with the person who left me sobbing in that park. I mean we are not besties or anything, but I hold no animosity. It took a while to see that letting go was best for both of us, but I can see it now and am grateful that they insisted on letting go.