Besties

I don’t know about you, but having a best friend to endure the obstacle course that was young adulthood made all the difference for me. There were questions I had that I wasn’t about to ask an adult. Not that the bestie knew the answers, but at least I could be open about having the question with her. Somehow we were able to navigate the gauntlets of high school, college, first jobs, and first apartments leaning on each other. We were connected.

I am not unique. There are lots of best friend or friend group relationships that help young people to navigate life. And they rank amongst the top relationships during those young adult years. But things start to shift as folks begin to pair off, or pursue achievements that involve distance. There is a loss of connection with best friends or friend groups that occurs as a part of the growing up process that is not often discussed.

While we are celebrating weddings and births and other key moments in each other’s lives, there is a simultaneous shift in the best friend connection, some more drastic than others. We go from having a crew, or at least another person, having similar experiences in young adulthood, to other responsibilities and commitments occupying primary roles in our lives. Yet, I have never heard of a mourning process for besties whose lives change and lose their connections. But shouldn’t there be one?

The connections we make with our best friends can be critical to our development. In my young adulthood, my best friend kept me sane. She had my back and told me the truth. So when adulthood took us in different directions although there was a lot of happiness, there was some mourning too. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. And since relationships can’t be replaced, the mourning part takes time, for all parties in the friend group. To be clear, the relationship doesn’t have to end for the loss to be felt. Changes in the relationship can change the connection which could result in one or all members of the friend group feeling a sense of loss.

Eventually I adjusted to not having the bestie from young adulthood in my everyday life, and we figured our a different relationship. It wasn’t as close and we didn’t share everything anymore, but we were still friends. Now I can look back at the memories we shared without a wistful feeling. But keep an eye out for the besties out there. At every wedding, baby shower, birth, or going away party there could be a bestie out there juggling the joy they feel for their friend and the sense of loss they are feeling, which is not a great feeling.