Let me tell you about last week. I was sitting there in a meeting with a colleague, discussing a really hard thing. I had had three other hard meetings, I hadn’t slept well, I was frustrated and trying to hold it together. It didn’t work. I lost it. The tears started to flow and I had to excuse myself and end the meeting. It was uncharacteristic of me; I have a really hard time crying even when I want to. So to tear up in a work setting was a clear sign that something was wrong.
Of course I unpacked it with my therapist, and I realized that when I was hit with multiple challenges as I had been this week, I reverted to putting everyone else first, and neglecting my needs. Because I have done so much work to live my authentic life my body completely rejected the back pedal. It said no and loudly. Rejection felt like stomach cramps, a headache, fatigue. Needless to say, it was not a good week.
I am guessing I am not alone. Especially those of us who are nurturers. We get so busy making sure everyone else is good that we forget about ourselves. This, my friends, is called self-abandonment, and let me tell you, it snuck up on me. Please don’t beat up on yourself if it sneaks up on you. I was literally shocked that after all the work that I have done, it was so easy for me to fall into old patterns but this is why you have to keep doing the work.
Well, it’s a new week. And I refuse to go in to this week like I went in to last week. So, how do we stop this? How do we get back to us? Here is what I learned. Let’s talk about it.
What is Self-Abandonment, Anyway?
It’s when you push your own needs, emotions, and dreams to the side, thinking that if you just keep everyone else happy, everything will be fine. But it’s not fine. It takes a toll. Over time, that pressure builds, and you start feeling drained, frustrated, maybe even anxious or depressed. It affects my sleep – I did not get one night of good unaided sleep last week. It’s that moment when you say “yes” to something when your whole body is screaming “no.” It’s when you’re so focused on keeping the peace or being there for everyone else that you forget to take care of yourself. Sound familiar?
Self-abandonment happens when you make a habit of putting everyone else before yourself. It’s like you’re invisible in your own life. And you know what happens? You start feeling worn out, resentful, and disconnected. I get weepy, and dismal. Over time, it chips away at your self-esteem because you’ve been neglecting your own needs for so long, you start believing they don’t even matter. Who needs that?
How Do You Know If You’re Doing It?
If any of this sounds familiar, it’s time to take a closer look. Here are some signs you might be abandoning yourself:
- People-Pleasing: You’re constantly worried about making everyone else happy, even if it means sacrificing your own joy. For me I have gone so far as to convince myself that I have to sacrifice my own joy. And I’m not talking about listening to Baby Shark 50 times cause my favorite little wants to hear it. I am talking saying yes to a project I don’t want to under take because I am ‘mission driven’. Please don’t judge me. I’m recovering.
- Ignoring Your Needs: When was the last time you ate a meal without rushing or took time just for yourself? There was a time in my life where I existed on my kids’ left overs because I didn’t make time to make meals for myself.
- Difficulty Saying No: You’re saying yes to things you don’t even want to do, just to avoid feeling guilty. Whew!!!!!!!!!! This one was hard for me. I learned how to say no nicely to make it easier. What I learned this week is that apparently when I have multiple no opportunities I fall off the wagon and start falling into my old yes habits.
- Neglecting Self-Care: Your health—physical and emotional—gets pushed to the back burner. I kept up with my workouts this week, mostly because my trainer will have none of it. He drags me to the workouts but honestly without the accountability I probably would have skipped them.
- Guilt for Having Needs: You feel bad for even thinking about taking time for yourself. The guilt was larger than me this week. It took control and my anxiety started running the show.
I know all of the cliches – self-care is not selfish – but somehow this week, none of that worked. What worked was my therapist being firm with me and telling me that the truth. The Bea Brilliance of the week went something like this, ‘The situation hasn’t changed. You have. You’re trying to put on old behaviors that no longer fit and your body is saying no thank you,”. So my homework is to be true to myself about a particular situation.
Why Do We Do This?
Self-abandonment doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It’s usually tied to deeper stuff like how we were raised, societal pressures, and even fear. Let’s break it down:
Low Self-Worth
Ever stand in front of the mirror and feel like you’re just not good enough? Yeah, we’ve all been there. When you don’t feel worthy, it’s easy to put others first. You start thinking their needs are more important than yours. It’s like, “I’ll just take care of everyone else, and maybe then I’ll feel good enough.” Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work. It never works.
Fear of Rejection
Fear has a way of creeping in, especially when it comes to relationships. You don’t want to rock the boat, so you end up sacrificing yourself to keep others around. But here’s the thing—if you’re constantly putting yourself last to avoid rejection, that’s not love. It’s fear and eventually it taints the relationship.
People-Pleasing
This one is deep, especially for women. We’re often taught to be caregivers, to keep the peace, and to avoid conflict at all costs. But constantly saying “yes” to everyone else while saying “no” to yourself? That’s a fast track to burnout. Raise your hand if you have ever been or seen someone slowly implode because they just couldn’t keep up with the people-pleasing. Don’t be the person that benefits from the people pleasing cause you know where it leads. Practice asking people what they really want.
So, How Do We Stop?
Good news: you can turn this around. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. Here’s where we start:
1. Build Self-Awareness
Start paying attention to how you feel. When are you saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? When are you putting yourself on the back burner? The more aware you are, the easier it’ll be to make changes.
Here is what I am doing: Every morning, I am going to ask myself, “What do I need today?” Just that small act of checking in with yourself can make a huge difference. Drop me a comment if you want to be my accountability partner.
2. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls; they’re fences that protect your peace. Start saying “no” when you need to. And believe me I know this is really hard to do. My trick is to say it nicely, offer an alternative that I am willing to do, or ask for more time. Clearly I did none of those things last week and ended up miserable. I am trying to treat myself like my most important client so that I view my time and energy as valuable—treat myself like it. Who’s with me?
3. Get Support
This isn’t a journey you have to take alone. If you have been following this blog you know how I feel about a trusted circle. Whether it’s talking to a therapist, leaning on a friend, or joining a community, having support makes all the difference. It’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to let others be there for you. This week my coach, my therapist and one of my dearest friends all called me on the carpet. I had to listen.
Final Thoughts
Self-abandonment is real, and it’s something a lot of us deal with without even realizing it. But we don’t have to keep living like this. We can start today—right now—by choosing ourselves. It’s not selfish to put yourself first, it’s necessary. You deserve to live a life that honors your needs, your joy, and your well-being.
So, what are you going to do for you today? Let’s talk about it in the comments. Have you been putting yourself last? How are you planning to turn that around? Let’s keep the conversation going because we deserve better. 💛
Ready to stop putting yourself last?
It’s time to prioritize you. If this post resonated with you, share it with a friend who needs to hear it too. Don’t forget to subscribe and comment below—I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Let’s break the cycle of self-abandonment together. And hey, follow me on Instagram for more tips and real talk about putting yourself first. 💛 Also who is going to be my accountability partner this week to make sure I am focusing on my needs?
This was great. All the points you brought up are things my therapist has brought up. I am standing up to so- called friends for the first time or just withdrawing. I am 74. Don’t wait till you are my age to do it.
Thank you for posting. Good luck!
Even though I know this post isn’t about sleep, I have to add that not getting enough sleep throughout the week also creates conditions you’ve described, like crying in a work meeting an abandoning oneself due to the brain not being able to function “normally.”
As always, I love these, Nichelle <3