Loss

…Extend Yourself Grace. Today, all I have to offer is my unadulterated truth, and the truth is – my heart is cracked wide open. So here is the raw and unfiltered truth. I’m exhausted, holding more weight than I believe one heart should have to bear. Over the past 15 months, life has surged forward relentlessly leaving me feeling like I was in the center of a windstorm. I worked through all of it. Coached through all of it. Showed up for my people through all of it. And finally last week, I created space for me to pause. I did not go on a fancy vacation or leisure, I simply took space to exhale deeply, to set down the heavy luggage of life I’ve dragged around far too long, and reconnect with my first love – writing. In that quiet sanctuary, my soul and body began a gentle conversation again, reacquainting themselves with each other intimately after months of a fling. Then Friday arrived softly, but left brutally, carrying news that my beloved pastor had transitioned. This loss runs deep. Although I knew it would come, and I thought I was prepared for it, I wasn’t. I am sad. This man was my mentor, my guide, my spiritual compass, the first soul to truly recognize me before I could recognize myself. He ordained me, protected me, showed me grace embodied. He was love made tangible. And now, he rests. And I grieve openly. Life moves in exactly this way. Just when you dare to believe you’ve weathered the worst, just as you begin to breathe deeply again, a new storm arrives, asking more from your heart than you thought possible. So today, I arrive exactly as I am, a Black woman who has to show up to work on Tuesday and lead, while holding a heart sore with yet another grief. Every new grief stirs up the old grief and leaves my spirit aching and my emotions raw. This is where I am today, and I honor it fully. Acknowledging and sitting within this raw emotion is an essential part of my mental fitness practice. I used to rush through my grief, choosing to focus on tasks so that I wouldn’t have to feel. I was afraid that feeling would cause me to crumble and then I got to a place where I couldn’t even cry. So I learned with great difficulty to allow my emotions the space they need and to allow myself to sit with them. Because strength is not only found in moving forward but also in being still. And I didn’t crumble, in fact I healed. Today, I could have chosen not to post. Or to pretend that all was well. But here I am, human, tender, and fully present in my experience. I share this openly to remind myself (and you) that grief deserves recognition, sincere acknowledgement and compassionate space. So if like me your heart is feeling tender, if your spirit feels burdened, and you are just emotionally spent, know this deeply you are not alone and you don’t have to rush through it. Give yourself an opportunity to truly see you. Gift yourself permission to pause and feel. You deserve the space that you would afford another to feel all that you hold within you. Today my plan is to be gentle with myself, to treat me with compassion, and to forgo performative strength and sit with my authentic emotions. And my friends that is enough. Until then, I am going back to bed, putting my phone on do not disturb, watching sappy movies and crying my eyes out. It is what I need because I’m tired. Deep-down-to-my-bones tired from holding too much..