I’ve been bamboozled by someone who wasn’t even trying, managing two relationships like a pro – one with reality and the other with my imagination. Potential and hope are like that overly optimistic couple you know, always promising a great renovation without ever getting to it. Time to stop funding their fantasies and focus on building my own!
Hope and Potential Are Running a Whole Scam Read More »
Life’s been throwing unexpected support confetti, and guess what? I’m finally catching it! I used to be the supreme giver, hoarding my emotional baggage like a pro, but now I’m learning to receive. Turns out, care was hiding in plain sight all along, and it’s surprisingly heartwarming—just like finding cash in old jeans!
The Plot Twist Was Support Read More »
A familiar pattern showed up this week wearing different clothes. I recognized it almost immediately, but my reaction to it is what has been bothering me ever since. In the moment, I saw clearly what was happening. At least I thought I did. In my imagination, this story ended very differently. I was calm. Direct. Slightly frosty. The boundary was reinforced. The matter was handled. My heels clicked confidently, maybe even triumphantly, into the sunset. Instead, I froze. But why did I freeze? That old pattern in new packaging should have felt old. Instead, it stopped me in my tracks and left sooty fingerprints on my soul. The behavior itself wasn’t new. Unfortunately, I became acquainted with that particular kind of behavior at an age when I should have been worried about multiplication tables and sleepovers. Realizing how quickly an old fear can find its way into the driver’s seat completely unsettled me. One minute I was a grown woman looking at a situation with decades of experience behind her. The next, some younger part of me seemed convinced that we were back in familiar territory where caution, silence, and stillness were the safest options available. Whew. That realization sat like a stone in the pit of my stomach. It isn’t because I expect perfection from myself. Life cured me of that expectation a long time ago. What was jarring was discovering that I believed this particular chapter was further behind me than it apparently is. So much so that by the end of the week, what began as an emotional reaction had become a physical one. I’m talking nausea, sleeplessness, and the kind of frustration that follows you from room to room. What has stayed with me all week is the realization that understanding a wound and being untouched by it are two very different things. Somewhere along the way, I started treating this part of my story like something that belonged entirely to the past. I knew where it came from. I understood how it had shaped me. I had spent years untangling its impact on my life. And boy, this week challenged that belief. Here I was, completely blindsided by my own reaction. Before my rational mind had a chance to weigh in, some younger part of me had already taken over. For several days, I couldn’t decide which bothered me more, the other person’s behavior or the fact that it still had the power to reach across decades and peel back layers of confidence and strength I had worked so hard to build. One thing this experience has revealed is how far I had drifted from some of the practices that help me stay connected to myself. There was no dramatic decision to stop writing, stop meditating, or spend less time in the garden. Life had simply filled the available space the way life often does. Because I was doing well and felt steady, it became easier to convince myself that those things were luxuries rather than necessities. This week challenged that assumption. Over the past several days, I’ve found myself lingering in the garden longer than usual. I’ve spent more time writing. More time sitting quietly instead of immediately reaching for a distraction. Not because those things magically erase old wounds. They don’t. But they do help me find my footing. They remind me that the frightened little girl who froze is not the only voice in the room. They reconnect me with the woman who has spent years building a life, a perspective, and a set of choices that simply didn’t exist back then. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from the imbalance this experience introduced. If I’m honest, some days it still feels as though the dust hasn’t completely settled. What I do know is that somewhere between the garden, the page, and the quiet, I started feeling a little more like myself again. And for now, that feels like enough.
I Thought I Was Past This Read More »
Stop Telling Yourself and Your Friends That Healing Requires Rock Bottom “Stop telling your sisters that pain is the only way to earn peace.” You’ve probably said it yourself. Maybe you believed it. I am not judging because I used to think this way as well. The phrase rolls off the tongue when someone is in pain, “Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rise.” That may sound comforting, even wise, but repeating that narrative can quietly reinforce the very pain we are trying to soothe. It may offer a sense of structure to struggle, but it is not the only shape that healing can take. The truth is rock bottom is not a spiritual prerequisite. It is not a rite of passage. And it is certainly not the only path to clarity or self-trust. Still, you hear it everywhere. Podcasts. Instagram captions. Rom-coms. Well-meaning advice from people who are trying to help you. Yet this idea that everything must unravel before you can rebuild is a whole lie. The truth is much more nuanced because you do not have to wait until everything breaks to begin making changes in your life. You can shift your direction, clarify your boundaries, and reclaim your peace without waiting for a crisis to give you permission. And while we are at it, let’s stop telling other women that collapse is the cost of clarity. We do not need to keep reinforcing the idea that we can only shift after devastation. You can support someone through their transformation before it life falls apart. As Black and Latina women we carry enough, we don’t need to promote breaking down. Think about it this way, if you’ve ever watched a friend ignore her own needs while caring for everyone else, and were concerned. Ask yourself, ‘How would she benefit if she could start reclaiming herself without having to lose everything to do it?’. We have been socialized to normalize exhaustion as evidence of excellence. But when you are sitting with your sister through their crisis while quietly crumbling inside your own, you know the toll it takes. You know what is like to smile through the weight of responsibility while feeling disconnected from your own life. Many high-achieving women are silently carrying this heaviness every day. There Is Another Way to Heal The truth is healing does not have to involve drastic gestures, painful upheaval, or isolation. Instead, it can be a quiet yet powerful choice and it starts with deciding not to abandon yourself anymore. I know this for a fact because after doing it the hard way, I learned to heal the soft way. And then I guided other women who initially believed they needed radical change like leaving jobs, relationships, or even relocating, to regain clarity gently. Honestly what most of them needed was simpler but equally powerful. They needed to renegotiate their commitments, to redefine success on their own terms, and to start placing their peace and joy at the top of their priority list. And that looked like creating new agreements with the lives they had already created. Three Thoughtful Questions to Prompt Gentle Change (with Real-World Examples) If you are where I was, feeling overwhelmed and contemplating dramatic changes, I encourage you to pause for a moment. Try this instead, before you burn it all down or start from scratch, consider these three powerful questions to help you visualize what shifting without collapsing might look like: 1. Are you exhausted because of what you are doing, or is it how you are approaching your responsibilities? Example: Perhaps you genuinely love your career, but lately you feel drained. The real issue might not be your job itself, but rather your habit of responding to every email immediately or consistently volunteering to lead projects out of obligation rather than interest. You might simply need clearer boundaries around your availability, not an entirely new role. For me this looked like removing my work Zoom and email accounts from my phone so that I was not tempted to work during my private time. When I close the computer at the end of the work day, I focus on my personal life and that has been a game changer for me. 2. Is what you are feeling truly burnout, or might you be grieving a version of success that never authentically aligned with your true self? Example: Maybe you thought becoming a senior executive would feel rewarding, yet now that you’ve achieved it, the pressure to maintain appearances leaves you feeling empty. It might not be burnout you’re experiencing, but grief over pursuing someone else’s definition of success. Recognizing this can help you redefine your goals on your own authentic terms. While I love the work that I do in my 9 – 5, it is only one slice of me. This blog, my coaching, and my writing are ways that I connect to my true self so that I can replenish my joy. Being able to complete a collection of short stories that speak to the hearts of high achieving women is one way I am defining success these days. Getting this blog out weekly with positive images of melanated women is another way. The accolades are nice, but define for yourself what lights up your soul and makes you feel whole. 3. If you chose to remain exactly where you are but began honoring your needs in small, honest ways, what might shift? Example: Imagine staying in your current relationship, but finally speaking up when your boundaries are crossed instead of silently enduring. Or imagine remaining at your current job, but saying no when asked to take on extra responsibilities that do not align with your personal goals or wellness. Small, honest acts of self-advocacy can profoundly shift your experience without requiring drastic upheaval. In my 9 – 5 life if you don’t use all of your vacation days in a year, you are only allowed to carry five
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