Allow Your Dopeness to Bloom

“Stop playing the supporting actress when you are meant to be a leading lady.”

Those were the words of my therapist reminding me of who I was, as I was busy complaining about something that wasn’t working out in my preferred timeline. I absolutely love my therapist. She is a die hard New Yorker who lives in the South. That means she is the perfect blend of Knuck If You Buck, and That’s What Friends Are For. She is exactly what I need when the committee in my head forgets that we have moved on, moved up, and moved away from the toxic thoughts we used to let burden us. She is direct and supportive and most importantly she sees me. She calls out the improvements that I need to make and walks me through how I can make them. And when I make them she celebrates me.

Like most other women of color, I sometimes inhale the smog of society’s biased rules and norms and I forget who I am. When that happens she is always right there in her unique New York way to remind me that we have cancelled the subscription to the Not Enough magazine, podcast, television show, book, journal, and any other subsidiary of Not Enough Holdings that I may still be holding on to. If you are like me, sometimes you need those reminders to keep you sane and healthy. Even if your internal negative narrative is different than mine, if it exists you need someone like my therapist to remind you that you are not who you used to be, and cheer you on as you evolve into who you are becoming. If you don’t have one, here are a few things that she taught me.

Leave Mental Breadcrumbs

On one of those days when you are at your best, write down all that you have accomplished so far. Write down all the things you are proud of. This has nothing to do with other people and what they think. It’s only about what you are proud of. Make the list and keep adding to it. This is so important, because on the days when you are not at your best, you will need to re-read what you wrote to remind yourself that you are not the sum of your flaws or mistakes. This list that you will create will remind you that you are actually more impactful than you know. Don’t believe me, I bet the things you have already accomplished are still a goal for someone that you know. Don’t lose sight of that. It means that you are a model for at least one other human.

Pause to Celebrate the Journey

Celebrate the steps you have taken towards achieving your big goals. We have a tendency to only assess goals based on whether we have achieved them or not. But the truth is that all goals are the result of a series of consecutive steps that we have to take. Those steps also need to be celebrated. Yesterday my therapist reminded me that by taking the steps I am taking, I am already setting the scene for the accomplishment of my goals. The way she said was a lot deeper and used the metaphor of water and ripples, but I can’t remember exactly how she said it. While you are on the journey to your goals, a deficit mindset can set in and alter your perspective so that you only see the distance to the end, which if you are like me, produces moans and lamentations. The cure? Be intentional about taking time to look back at where you started to be reminded of how far you have come, so that you can operate from a place of celebration. Every step forward is a step closer, that takes effort and determination. Your effort both deserves to be celebrated and serves as a reminder that you are making progress which also deserves to be celebrated.

Let Go of Old Patterns

Unfortunately, to be a woman of color in this world means that a lot of us have trauma in our backgrounds that distort our perspectives of ourselves, our beliefs about we can accomplish, our thoughts about what we deserve or can have, and our opinions about what we have to do or take. And because we have that trauma, we hold on to thoughts, beliefs, opinions, behaviors and people – yes people – who no longer serve us. The thing is if it is no longer serving you it is probably taking space in your life that could be devoted to something else, or holding you back from achieving your goals. Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging. That type of thinking is what earned me the comment at the top of this blog. My therapist kindly reminded me that I don’t need to be propping people and things up that deeply offend my soul. Shoot for that matter I don’t need to prop anything or anyone up whether they or it offends my soul or not. For me that reminder is a counter to my excuses for why I keep clinging. She was having none of my excuses – that’s her Knuck If You Buck side. She celebrated the steps I was taking to let go, and reminded me that I needed to change my mindset so that I could be ready to fully let go when the time came.

If you had asked me if I had a self-perception problem a few years ago, I am not sure that I would have been able to name that I did. But I remember not feeling worthy of opportunities or afraid to try for things that I wanted. To make it live, I remember almost being struck dumb when a coach asked me to write my bio. I couldn’t think of things I had accomplished for which I should be celebrated. Mind you, I am excellent at celebrating others and pointing out their strengths, but when it came to my own, I was completely confounded. It doesn’t have to be that way. This is one of the reasons why I formed Chocolate Serenity, because I don’t want women of color walking through the world unable to see their greatness. We are far too dope for that. And lately it seems like although we are more intentional about celebrating each other, the rest of the world is more determined to tear us down. I hate it. I want us to thrive and have the space and strategies we need to bloom.

How do you see yourself? What do you do to make sure you see yourself as you really are? How do you acknowledge your dopeness? Leave me a comment to let me know what works for you. Maybe we can trade ideas on our journey to chocolate serenity.

Oh, and if you need a therapist and you are in the state of Florida check out Be Better Solutions, but be ready for a little bit of sass and a whole lot of support.