Handle Undermining and Gaslighting Like a Pro
Let’s be real: there’s always that person. You know the one—they smile in your face, but behind the scenes, they’re trying to undercut your every move like they’re the star of some petty soap opera. I have one of those in my life right now. Oh, and to top it off, they sprinkle a little gaslighting on the situation, making you question your own reality like you didn’t just live what you know happened.
I mean, really? Gaslighting in 2024? Why are people still out here trying to make you feel like you’re the one with the problem when they’re the ones playing shady games? Well, friend, I’ve got you covered. Let’s talk about how to keep your cool, stand your ground, and make sure they know exactly where to take that foolishness—because your time is too valuable for drama.
Step 1: Recognize the Game Before You Get Played
First things first—let’s call a spade a spade. Gaslighting and undermining are manipulative tactics, and recognizing them for what they are is your first line of defense. When someone’s trying to twist your words, downplay your achievements, or make you question your own memory, pause and take a breath. You are not losing your mind, and you are not imagining things. Their drama thrives when you are second guessing yourself.
Pro Tip: When they hit you with the classic “I never said that” or “You’re being too sensitive,” remind yourself, “Oh, but I heard it, and I’m not about to second-guess myself.” Write it down if you have to—keep receipts, whether they’re mental or literal. In work situations, I do my best not to talk to people like that alone, and to memorialize the conversation with a follow up email so that I capture their words while its fresh.
Step 2: Hold Your Head High (and Your Boundaries Higher)
You’ve got two choices: let their nonsense knock you off your game, or stand tall and draw a line. Spoiler alert: we’re going with option two. When someone’s trying to undermine you, it’s all about maintaining your boundaries. And I mean firm boundaries—none of that “maybe they didn’t mean it” stuff. If it feels off, it is off. A lot of people feel like maintaining boundaries has to be confrontational. It doesn’t and I am happy to teach you how.
Pro Tip: Next time they try to slip a slick comment past you, as calmly as you can, hit them with this: “I’m not sure what you’re trying to insinuate but I prefer to deal with issues directly. So if there is one, let’s deal with it.” Throw that boundary down like a gauntlet—boom! It’s not about confrontation, it’s about clarity. The reason that calm is so important is that you don’t want to play into any of their negative stereotypes but you also want and need to address the issue.
Step 3: Don’t Let Their Mess Become Yours
Oh, they’re trying to gaslight you and then act like they’re the victim? Cute. Don’t fall into the trap of over-explaining or defending yourself to people who know what they’re doing. Their mess is not your responsibility to clean up, and trying to make sense of their twisted games will leave you with nothing but a headache. Name it for what it is – their stuff.
If you have done something wrong, apologize. Whether it is intentional or not. But remember that someone telling you that you did something wrong and someone trying to manipulate you are different. Own your stuff, and give them the gift of owning theirs. Too often we are so eager to pick up other peoples’ baggage and internalize it to judge ourselves. STOP!!!!!!!!!! We all make mistakes, but that is not carte blanche for someone to use that to alter your self-perception.
People used to always try to hit me with the ‘you’re intimidating line’. So I started defining intimidation for them and asking the question, “Have I threatened you in anyway? Or do you feel threatened. Because you feeling threatened by my presence is not my responsibility.” And I say it so calmly and sweetly that it makes them think. And then I say, “I am going to let you unpack that.” And I move on with my day. I refuse to carry other peoples’ baggage, mine are heavy enough.
Pro Tip: The next time they try to flip the script, remind yourself: “Their drama is not my assignment.” Say it out loud if you have to! You’re here to thrive, not to babysit someone else’s insecurities. Don’t be mean or unkind, but redirect your energy back to what you need to do, and leave their chaos where it belongs—with them.
Step 4: Call It Out with Confidence
Now, I’m not saying you have to go full-on aggressive (unless that’s your style—no judgment). But being aggressive while it can be effective in the short term, is not a sustainable long term strategy. I prefer a well-timed, confident call-out. When someone’s trying to gaslight you, they rely on your silence to keep control. Take that away from them by naming the behavior. Assertiveness doesn’t need attitude, what it needs is your confidence that you are so sure that you are right that you don’t need to be aggressive.
Pro Tip: A simple, “Listen, I’m very clear on what happened, and if you want to address it, I am happy to, but it has to stop.” goes a long way. Translation: “I see you, but I’m not here for your games.” You don’t have to raise your voice to raise the stakes. Honestly I prefer a neutral tone, a little smile on your face, and a clear reminder of boundaries. This way they can’t hit you with any of the tropes that fit their narrative and most importantly, they’ll know not to try you again.
Step 5: Take Care of You, Because No One Else Will Do It
Dealing with gaslighting and undermining can be draining, and you’ve got to protect your peace. After handling them like the boss you are, make sure you’re checking in with yourself. How are you feeling? What do you need to refill your cup? Whether it’s some time on the beach (my happy place), a good mystery novel, or just a moment to breathe, do what you need to protect your energy.
Pro Tip: After a draining interaction, schedule something that brings you joy. Think of it as an emotional palate cleanser—you’ve handled the mess, now it’s time to savor something sweet. Last week I spent a lot of time with my plants after dealing with this foolishness at work. It is so energizing for me to support growth when someone is trying to stunt mine.
Keep Thriving, Even When They’re Trying It
At the end of the day, people who gaslight and undermine others are dealing with their own insecurities. It’s never about you, even though it feels like it. That’s why you can’t feed into it. You? You’re too busy thriving to let them drag you into their misunderstanding of who they are. Remember who you are and what you bring to the table, and never let anyone make you question that. Stay grounded, stay clear, and keep your head high—because while they’re playing games, your focus is on achieving your goals.
You’ve got the tools to stand your ground and keep your cool, now it’s time to put them into action! Whether it’s setting boundaries, calling out the gaslighting, or protecting your peace, you can handle the mess without losing your calm. So, how will you handle the next person who tries it? Share your thoughts in the comments, and don’t forget to like, subscribe, and follow me on Instagram for more real talk on thriving in the chaos. Let’s keep this conversation going—because you deserve to own your power without letting anyone dim your light!or.
