overcoming

Committee in My Head

Wellness /

You probably read this title and had some reaction that had you questioning my sanity. I mean is there another way to think of someone who openly admits to having a committee in their head? But in this post I will introduce you to the committee in my head and then invite you to introduce me to yours. I promise you two things, (1) I am relatively sane, and (2) you also have a committee in your head. You may not refer to them as a committee, but I would be willing to bet serious money that they exist. Alright, let’s go. Oh and by the way, no judging me or my committee members and I won’t judge yours either. Meet My Protective Posse In my head there are several ‘people’ who have taken up residence over the years. To be clear they live rent free and for the most part and stroll around and share their unsolicited opinions like they own the place. Let me introduce some of them. There are other protectors that live in my head but they don’t come out to play as often. There is Restless Rhonda who is always looking for the next goal or challenge. She plays well with Odette. Then there is Doting Dolores who is a total people pleaser. She plays nice with Paula because when people don’t reciprocate Paula holds a pity party for me. And there is Overbearing Orla. She gets along well with Judith because she convinces me that if everyone would just do things my way then the world would be a better place. Ummm no judging – remember? Now, this posse aren’t the only tenants in my head. I’ve got a whole team of thrivers in there too. They’re the ones who talk some sense into the overprotective ones and convince them it’s time to chill out. Don’t get me wrong, the protectors did their job back in the day when I needed them. I probably wouldn’t have the degrees or career I have without them, so I give them props for that. But, for the most part I’ve outgrown their services. So, I’ve had to master the art of acknowledging their hard work and finding new work for them to do. They’re a sneaky bunch, though. Every time I think they’ve packed up and gone on to their new roles, they find their way back to their old desks and set up shop. The good news is, I’m the boss and so every time they sneak in, me my team of thrivers help me to give them a melatonin and have them take a seat. If I haven’t freaked you out yet, next week I will introduce you to my thrivers and tell you how they help me. In the meantime, tell me what you think. Who is on the committee in your head? Have you named them? If you aren’t sure about who they here is a great resource to help you identify them – Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. Here is the important thing to know, the protectors in your head don’t mean you harm. Chances are they have protected you and kept you safe at some important points of your life so don’t demonize them. And the committee in your head doesn’t have to be limited to your protectors, you can invite some thrivers in there too so that you can live your best life. I hope you no longer think I am left of center, and if you do that’s fine, all I ask is that you think it quietly. Whatever you think, Judith has probably already said. But if you can relate to this, talk back to me in the comments or on Instagram. What resonates? By the way if you are reading this and you think it will help someone else, drop a like and pass it on. Ultimately my goal is get us to a place of peace so that we all can find our version of chocolate serenity. Talk soon. Don’t forget to hit the subscribe button.

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Cooking Up Confidence

2 Comments / Wellness /

I will cook my first solo Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Fear is what makes Thursday my first solo run. I guess even when I was young, deep inside of me there was a budding feminist. I was a quiet rebel. I refused to ‘learn’ how to cook or clean because those were the expectations of me. I didn’t find any joy in learning how to do something just because my future husband would require it of me. So I steered clear of the kitchen for as long as I could. But that was only part of the reason. The other part was that I was scared that I wouldn’t be good at it. My mother and grandmother were boss cooks. They made dishes by eyeballing and using a pinch of this and a dash of that. It was both fascinating intimidating. How would I ever be able to do that? I felt inadequate so I avoided it. Cause you know how older women are, they were always ‘trying to help’ me if showed interest in making something. but their directions were confusing. “Add more salt,” they would say. “How much I would ask?”. I was looking for a precise answer. Something that I could measure. But bless their hearts, they would always say something like, “Just a dash.” What in the world was a dash, to me, a novice in the kitchen? It didn’t make sense. And so I quit early in life. I decided that cooking was one of those mysteries I would never unlock. And I went back to my books. Books never confused me. But then one day I realized that because I was a strong reader, I could follow a recipe. And slowly but surely I tried things on my own, never when my well meaning mother was around (my grandmother had passed by then) because she was good at cooking, but not necessarily good at teaching me in a way that worked for me. I tried cooking (using recipes) on my own, in the safety of my own kitchen. It was exhilarating. I loved the precise measurements and clear directions of a recipe. I could follow the directions and end up with something delicious. And the more comfortable I became with making a particular dish, the more I would experiment with new herbs, spices and ingredients. I began to enjoy cooking because I learned it in a way that made sense to me. I will likely never be a gourmet chef, but I can cook. I write those words with confidence. I am sure of it now. I can and do cook regularly. And I enjoy it. I will cook my first solo Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday confidently. I am not a boss cook like my mom. My sister is the new boss cook in the family, but I can hold my own. I learned that cooking was like everything else I wanted to learn in life. I read up about it, I practiced, I made mistakes, I gave myself feedback and got feedback from others, and tried and tried again. Eventually I got to a place where I felt confident, even though I still don’t know what a pinch is, or what a dash is. I use tools to measure things out, I don’t go from memory or instinct. I like the comfort of using precise measurements to get a consistent outcome, and learning new ways to make old favorites. And since I love learning cooking has become fun. I have applied my lessons learned from cooking to my life. I try not to let fear or frustration hold me back from learning new things. I know the way I learn and I use that to help me add new skills to my toolbox. Just like I literally cooked my way to confidence, I learn my way through new things.

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Well Courage

Wellness /

I remember standing in the middle of a life that I wasn’t enjoying. It was my life, but it was not the life I wanted. I wasn’t feeling the way I wanted to feel, in my own life. I was frozen for a long time, too afraid to make the call that I knew would make my life better. So I stayed. I hated most moments of it, but I continued clinging to the familiar because the alternative was facing the unknown. I wish I could say that this was a one time event for me. It wasn’t. It takes courage to make a change. And sometimes courage takes time. I eventually made all the changes to improve my quality of life. But I waited until things got unbearable to move. Somehow the sheer frustration of living an unbearable life outweighed the fear of the unknown and I made the moves I needed to make. Maybe that’s the way courage works. Some catalyst propels you forward and even though you’re scared, you move, because not moving is no longer an option, but that is an unstable way for me to live. I learned from living through those experiences. I learned that everything has a cost – material, spiritual, social, emotional. I also learned the costs I was willing to pay to get the life I wanted. It took me a couple of tries. Eventually I learned to move before things got unbearable and saved myself a lot of pain. Lately this has been coming up for me again because I am trying to make a change in one area of my life and I have to be courageous to make it. Although intellectually, I know I don’t need hero sized courage to make this change, fear makes everything feel like I need hero sized courage. So I am at the stage where I am psyching myself up, reminding myself that I deserve to live the life I want, and planning my path to that life. I am not yet ready to move. Wish me courage to make this change and I wish you courage for your journey too. People always make it seem like courage is some magical thing that happens in a dynamic moment. A flash of courage has been known to happen, but in most of those situations there is an urgent situation that calls for that type of courage. I call that adrenaline courage. But there is also courage that is built methodically over time. I personally think the slower build is better. I think of this approach like digging a well of courage that you can always draw on when you need it. The situation I am facing calls for me to go to the well of courage. But I won’t sit in a miserable life anymore.

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Shifting Our Perspectives

Wellness /

In one of my professional lives I trained teachers. One of the things I taught those teachers was the research behind practice. Depending on what type of lesson you are teaching it could take as many as twenty-four discrete practice opportunities for a student to demonstrate fluency with the skill, or at least three practice opportunities to acquire a set of information. The other thing the research shows is that the best time to correct an error during practice, is at the point that the error is made. So what is the point, right? Well when we are starting a new thing, it might be helpful to consider the first few times that we do that new thing our practice opportunities. And better yet, how nice would it be if we viewed other folks’ learning curve through that lens? Many of us are returning to traveling and gathering whether for work or pleasure. But we may have to, or choose to, do that in a new way. What if we shifted our perspective to consider those first few times practice opportunities? That might allow us to be gentler on ourselves and others. Don’t believe me, think about the first few times you made a new recipe, or drove a new route. Chances are your first try wasn’t your best try. You probably made some mistakes. But after a few tries, you probably were able to not only perfect the task or the route, but to add a few of your own touches to it. That is the benefit of practice, it allows you the grace to make mistakes in a psychologically safe space until you develop fluency with the task. And that kind of safety frees us emotionally. One of my therapists (yes I have had a few), taught me to view mistakes as evidence that I was learning something new. That was THE single most freeing thing I had heard up to that point. Prior to that I had an obsession with getting everything right on the first try. Somehow, I equated being smart and capable with never making mistakes. And I was miserable. Miserable to myself, miserable to others, miserable to be around. Because who can get everything right on the first try. I interpreted that as failure and punished myself for failing. It was not a fun time for me. Shifting my perspective to thinking of my first tries as practice has been revolutionary. I am more gracious with myself, more encouraging to others, more patient in general (which is a small miracle), less anxious, and more willing to try new things. Now, I don’t let me or anyone else force unrealistic expectations on me. The illusion of perfection was a prison for me. Embracing the reality of practice gave me wings to fly and fuel to help others soar. As you begin your next new thing, try it out. View the first few times you do the new thing as practice. Let me know how it works out.

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Starting Over for Health’s Sake

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New beginnings can be exciting when you choose them. But what about when the new beginning is a result of a health related condition? When your body either starts, or stops doing something? Whether gradual or sudden, having to adjust how your body functions, and how you function in your body, can be a rocky new beginning. Learning that you have a health condition can be stressful by itself, making the necessary adjustments to correct or manage the condition can add to that stress. Oddly enough, we as a society don’t talk about that stress. The general sentiment is that we should celebrate being alive to make the adjustment. But two things can be true at the same time. We can be grateful that we are alive to make the adjustment and feel the stress of it. Adjusting to living with a health condition could mean changing what you eat, the frequency and intensity with which you do things, how you do or don’t use your body, adding medication, managing the side effects of medication, managing changes to your appearance and so much more. Some of these adjustments can be exhausting and downright scary. Yet there is not a lot of grace for folks who are starting those journeys. Health related life adjustments have become so normal that our empathy has decreased when folks have to make that pivot. It seems that we reserve our empathy for what we deem major illnesses, or for the elderly who have to make those adjustments. It’s as if there is a limited supply of empathy that must be reserved for special people or situations. I know it doesn’t feel like a big deal, but have you ever tried to give up sugar? There is hidden sugar in almost all of our foods. And yes I know that there are more sugar free options, but it isn’t an easy to find foods that fit that requirement. Not to mention the irritability and headaches when you first start out. How about taking a medication that caused rapid weight gain or caused your hair to fall out? Again, it’s not one of the things that is generally considered worthy of empathy, but imagine looking at yourself in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. And please let’s not do the thing where we pretend that our physical appearance doesn’t matter. When you become accustomed to seeing yourself a certain way, adjusting to a different version of yourself can be stressful. It doesn’t make you superficial, it makes you human. I won’t belabor the point, I just want us to save some empathy for folks whose health forces them on a new journey. Newness in general is hard, newness that you’ve been forced into is even harder. When it is health related there is an added dimension of angst because in addition to the new start, there is an element of concern about one’s overall health and often a sense of loss. Whether loss of control, loss of the perception of yourself as a healthy person, or the loss of your ability to function as you did before. All of it makes the journey a challenge. So, can we be kind to folks navigating this kind of new beginning? It someone else’s illness may not be what you consider a big deal, but it is a new start for them. What we know is all new starts include an adjustment period and some sort of uphill climb. The hill may be steep or relatively gradual but a climb is a climb. Please be nice.

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A Contribution of Peace

4 Comments / Wellness /

There was a time when I watched the news faithfully at least twice a day, and often more than that. I had a need to know what was unfolding in the world. But lately I have stopped watching the news faithfully. I get news alerts on my phone so I am still plugged in, but now I only watch the news a few times per week. I don’t know when, but at some point the news become trauma porn for me. It was primarily negative, ALL the time. Heartbreaking images of Black people being shot by police, people in other countries ravaged by war or natural disasters, and politicians using divisive rhetoric on a constant loop became too much for me. So I stopped. It was taking my peace from me. I didn’t just stop ingesting the steady diet of negativity on the news, I changed my morning and evening routine. As many mornings as I can, I get out to watch the sun rise. It is a peaceful way to start my day. And every morning while I am watching sunrise I record a video to share with my followers on Instagram. It’s nothing long, but it is a small way that I can contribute to adding something positive to someone else’s day. I am not into toxic positivity that all but demands that people look at the bright side of things all the time. That doesn’t make sense to me. We are whole humans and we feel a range of emotions so I can’t see how staying positive 100% of the time is natural. I know that life is out here wringing some of us dry. So that 11 second video of the sun rising over water is my way of contributing some peace to someone else’s day in spite of what life has on the menu that day. I also try to catch as many sunsets as possible, and I also record and share a short video of the sun setting over water on my Instagram page as many days as possible. These are two small ways that I try to contribute peace to folks in my circle. It’s easy to do, since I’m already out enjoying the sunrise or sunset myself. Recording and sharing the videos also brings me joy. Now I have a Google photos account chocked full of sunrises and sunsets which is a great bonus. To be honest, I don’t know if posting those videos is helping anyone, but I do it anyway. I don’t get a lot of likes and I honestly don’t care. I do it because it’s my way of hopefully reminding someone that in spite of what the world throws at you, there is still beauty in the world. My hope is that the videos allow folks a few seconds to pause, exhale, and acknowledge the peace and beauty of a natural occurrence. My hope is that the 11 seconds a person takes to watch the video changes their mood for the better and either allows them to start or end their day on a better note. It does for me; and doing the recording allows me to refocus for a few minutes at the start and close of the day on pouring into someone else. I was once told, life is a series of choices. I am being intentional about the choices I am making. Contributing is one of those choices. It feels good. Try it out.

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Drink Water and Mind My Business

Wellness /

There is a Trinidadian soca song called Mind My Business. The beat is catchy cause its soca but the words, “I gon’ drink water and mind my business (mind my business)” have become a mantra in the Caribbean community. Patrice Roberts, the artist, is singing about thriving. She is letting her haters know she doesn’t have the time to, or interest in, minding anybody else’s business. She is busy doing what is best for her (drinking water) and focusing on achieving her goals (mind my business). And I’m riding with her. I am drinking water and minding my business too. Drinking water and minding my business is not the same as grinding. In my opinion, grinding is not thriving. Thriving for me means having balance, pursuing goals and happiness, not one over the other. I know the side hustle mentality is popular now but I think its overrated. I like a life of purpose, and to be purposeful I need an adequate amount of rest. I do pursue goals, but I will not push myself to tiredness and exhaustion. Drinking water and minding my business has changed my view of myself, my view of others, they way I talk and think, who I spend my time with, what I spend time doing, and how I handle myself. It’s been great. At work I am focused, in my personal life I am focused, in my relationships I am focused, I am focused on being my best me 95% of the time. The other 5% of the time I am probably being shady or messy, but hey I’m human. I am also able to shake off feedback that isn’t valuable a lot easier and tune into the feedback that will help me grow. I have increased my focus, and I spend less time worrying about what other people think. Don’t get too excited, it’s not like I stopped caring about what every single other person thought of me, I’m human, of course I care. But please believe me when I tell you, my list dwindled dramatically. This blog is proof. Two years ago I wouldn’t have put myself out there like this. But drinking water and minding my business increased my courage. Maybe it was living through a pandemic, but I am at the point in my life where I believe life is short, and I am determined to make the most of every day. I like peace, and genuine joy and harmony. And I am focused on having ok more of that in my life. So I am out here drinking water and minding my business. It is very healing to wake up every day knowing that you are living the life you want. I want that kind of joy for everyone I touch.

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Learning to Thrive

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When your life has been interrupted sometimes you have to adjust to survive. Survival shouldn’t become a way of life though. But what no one talks about is making the transition from surviving to thriving. That transition can be hard if you don’t know what thriving feels like. And don’t be fooled into thinking that because you thrive in one aspect of life, it will be easy to thrive in all aspects. Sadly, that is not the case. How many times do we hear or read about folks who are on top of their game in professional aspects barely surviving in their personal lives? Or the opposite. The truth that no one told me, is that managing your life is a discreet set of skills that you need to learn. What sucks is that in most cases you’re expected to learn these lessons without direct instruction. But anyway that’s a different subject for a different day. Today we’re talking about learning how to thrive. For me I had to start with my thoughts. I had to be able to visualize what thriving would even feel and look and sound like. I mean if I can’t ‘see’ it then I don’t know what I’m aiming for. Sometimes I saw it in other people’s lives or in books or heard it described. Sometimes it was accidental or sometimes it was because I was searching. To keep it forefront in my mind, I made a vision board using a PPT slide and images I snagged from Google and saved it as the background on my computer. I spend hours on my computer each day and that vision board is always in the background reminding me of what I want for my life. Once I lock in on what thriving in a particular aspect of my life looks like, I have to map out how I will get there in my head like a project. I think about how I want that part of my life to look and feel and then I think about the specific steps I will need to take to get there. To be honest, after I make the list of steps, I don’t always know how I’m going to be able to complete each one. But I don’t get hung up on what I don’t know. I research – I talk to people, read, Google and use all my resources to find out how. And I know that this will feel a bit woo- woo to some folks but when I start moving in the direction I want to go in, I start seeing and getting the opportunities I need. It’s true! Anyway, the other important thing is that I pray. I always pray about the goals I want to accomplish. I always ask God to align my will with His will. That is important for my life. The hardest part of learning to thrive for me has been sticking with it. Cause learning not to settle is an everyday job for me. Old habits die hard so I have to deprive them of oxygen to help them on their way. And that means constantly reflecting on my decisions. I have to ask myself what I really want in a situation, emphasis on really. If I compromise I have to sure that I compromised for a good reason and not because I wasn’t pushing for what I truly wanted. The same for if I give up altogether. And on the days that I realize that I settled – it happens, I have to forgive myself and move on. No dwelling. But it takes effort, it definitely has not been an overnight process for me. I have had a few wins, and some losses. But I don’t count it that way. I count it based on the number of days I wake up feeling like I am living the life I want. And whew, as much work as monitoring my own thoughts is, I finally like my life, so it’s worth it. The journey to peace continues.

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Growing Sideways

1 Comment / Wellness /

This tree is still growing. It has been growing like this for as long as I have lived here. I am not sure how it ended up on its side, but here it is, growing, on its side. I am not sure why nobody picked the tree up, propped it up and supported it to grow straight. But it seems like the tree was determined to survive and figured out how to do it. There are times when I look at this tree and I see a story of survival. But most times when I look at this tree, I see a lack of care and support. Maybe I am too emotional about a palm tree, that is growing in spite of. But I think it makes me mad when I think that someone could have intervened to help this tree grow upright. With a bit of effort or interest it wouldn’t be growing on its side. I used to be like this tree, growing in an unnatural way, just focused on survival. I was living with illness and accepting it as normal because I was so focused on survival. I adjusted my diet in the hopes of feeling better. It worked for a while and then I had to adjust some more, and so the cycle began. I adjusted and felt better for a period of time, then the adjustments stopped working and I had to adjust some more. None of the doctors could tell me what was wrong and so I adjusted my expectations of health and resigned myself to living with the symptoms. I wish I could say that I got sick of growing sideways and finally took action. But that’s not what happened. It took an escalation of symptoms for me to even begin conceptualizing a life without the adjustments. I had become comfortable with growing sideways and had stopped even attempting to thrive. Uggghhhhh!!!! I am so disgusted even thinking about this. But I won’t dwell on the past. The thing is, I am not alone. There are so many people moving through the world growing sideways. There is nothing wrong with trying to survive or adjusting to survive, but it is the death of a desire to thrive that I find dangerous. It led me to settle for something less than I wanted. All while subconsciously knowing I deserved more. I had just become so accustomed to being uncomfortable that it became my norm. Please don’t do this. Survival has its place, but its only a stage. It doesn’t have to become a parking space. So if you are out there and you are settling for the adjustment, give yourself the care and concern that you need to thrive. To be clear, I am still not all the way upright, I still lean a bit but I am most definitely not growing sideways. And for those who will be tempted to remind me that the tree is in a beautiful place and its still alive, all of that is true AND it is still growing unnaturally.

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After The Storm

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Hurricane Ian has passed and left it’s mark. It has wiped out entire communities, ripped trees out of the ground, shut down highways and wrecked bridges and homes. The wounds it inflicted are not only physical. There are emotional wounds that may not yet be visible. Preparing for the storm, living through the storm and returning to the uncertainty of its impact in the aftermath has been stressful for me. Some of it feels familiar and some of it feels foreign. Similar to the way it has reshaped the landscape, Hurricane Ian has reshaped me. Living through a hurricane, I learned new things about myself. I had never been required to evacuate my home prior to a storm before. I had never left my home and wondered about the extent of damage I would face when I returned. I had never faced the prospect of my entire community being wiped out before. It was stressful before, during and after. My stress before the storm was related to making sure that everything we would absolutely need or want was with us. The truth is I took most of what I needed, and some of what I wanted, but it definitely wasn’t everything. How does one even make that call under stress? It was stressful during the storm because even though I was on higher ground I was still experiencing hurricane winds and rain. And truthfully, I couldn’t will myself to stop watching coverage of the storm. So there was a constant loop of information about its path and velocity that added to my stress. I am not sure that not watching would have been better. There was also the added stress of not knowing if or when power and by extension internet connectivity would be lost. So again, binging information about how the hurricane was unfolding felt important. The stress after the storm was two fold. The first dimension was making our way back home to uncertainty. Was home still intact? Was there damage? To compound the matter, traveling home was eerie. There was no water on the roads or trees blocking our path, but there was also no one else on what is normally a very busy highway but us. No one. On the car ride, no one verbalized the angst we were feeling, yet it was palpable. I had never driven up to my home and begun inspecting it from the outside before, albeit silently and what I hoped was inconspicuously. Walking to the door, opening the door, walking through our home inspecting it – all done while sort of holding my breath. Minor water damage was all we found. We could live with that. And just when I was about to exhale and celebrate, I remembered the folks directly impacted by Ian. They were not so lucky. How should I feel? Was it alright to be happy that we were spared while others were suffering? People in our own city are still without power days later. People further to our south lost their homes, jobs, cars, places of business and more. What is the appropriate emotion to feel when you have been spared and others are suffering? I don’t have answers. I am still processing this entire experience. I know will be expected to show up and be as I was before. I am not as I was before. The hurricane has reshaped me too. I am not sure that I am aware of all of the ways it has changed me. I am not sure that I ever will. Right now I am existing in the tension of gratitude and remorse. I am still standing, but like the tree above I have been changed. I am not qualifying the change as good or bad, it just is. It exists and I am acknowledging it.

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