love

The Me Space

joy, me space, mindset, peace /

What Becomes Possible When You Put Down What You Weren\’t Meant to Carry There was a time I treated other people’s emergencies like divine assignments. If you called, I came. If there was a gap, I filled it. I knew the sting of being forgotten, the ache of being left behind—and I made a silent vow: no one would ever feel that way because of me. So I became the dependable one. The strong one. The one who always showed up—with snacks, solutions, and a fully charged phone. But the gag is: in showing up for everyone else, I abandoned myself. I thought I was being loving. I thought I was being strong. But I was really just afraid. Afraid that if I didn’t do it all, I wouldn’t be needed. And if I wasn’t needed, I wouldn’t be wanted. What I didn’t realize is that peace doesn’t begin when you finally get a break. It begins when you finally put something down. Like that emotional Costco cart you’ve been pushing around full of everybody else’s baggage. Because here’s what I’ve learned: You don’t create a Me Space by adding more.You create it by unburdening. You Can’t Create Space Without Letting Something Go And what you let go won’t always be visible. It might not be a task or a relationship.It might be a belief.An identity.A silent agreement you made with the world that said: \”I will be easy to love if I make myself small enough.\” We carry so much we never chose. The fear of being too much.The habit of being whatever the room needs.The need to soften our joy, our grief, our ambition—to stay digestible. The first step toward a Me Space isn’t aesthetic—it’s ancestral. It’s deciding to stop passing down the gospel of burnout like it’s your birthright. It’s recognizing that so many of us learned to survive by staying busy, staying needed, staying useful—and that if we weren’t doing, we didn’t know if we were worthy. Breaking that cycle doesn’t start with a morning routine; it starts with telling the truth about how exhausted you really are. It’s saying: “I no longer owe myself to everyone who’s grown accustomed to my sacrifice.” And even if you’re only whispering it to yourself right now—before you say it out loud, before you set the boundary, before you change the pattern—it still counts. That quiet declaration is the first crack in the armor. The first breath of return. The first taste of freedom. How to Know You’re Carrying Something That Isn’t Yours It’s easy to miss because we’ve been praised for it. Over-functioning gets celebrated, not questioned. But your nervous system knows the truth. And your body has been telling you: something’s not right. Here’s how that weight might be showing up for high-achieving women like us—especially those of us who’ve been taught that being needed is the same as being loved: 1. It Feels Heavy but VagueYou wake up tired. Not groggy—bone tired. Your chest is tight, your shoulders ache, your smile feels forced. It’s not the meetings or the carpool line. It’s the weight of holding everyone else together while your own center is quietly cracking. Check-in: Am I tired from what I’m doing—or from who I’ve been expected to be? 2. It Hides Under “Strong Black Woman” ArmorYou power through. Always. You offer help before anyone asks. You wear resilience like a badge—even when you’re breaking. You hear “I don’t know how you do it” and take it as affirmation, even though inside, you’re unraveling. Check-in: Is my strength serving me—or is it just keeping my pain presentable? 3. It Echoes as Silence and Swallowed NeedsYou bite your tongue. You dim your light. You show up graciously in spaces that do not value your truth. You haven’t forgotten what you need—you’ve just gotten good at pretending you don’t. Check-in: Who do I become when I stop asking for what I need? 4. It Shows Up in the Guilt of RestYou sit down and immediately feel like you should be doing something. You rehearse your to-do list while trying to nap. You cancel joy because the house isn’t clean. Even your rest is choreographed. You light the candle, cue the playlist, pour the tea—and still feel like you have to look peaceful, like you’re performing serenity for an invisible audience. You don’t rest to replenish—you rest to prove you tried. Check-in: What have I confused with worthiness—and why is rest always the first thing to go? 5. It Sounds Like “They Need Me” When You Really Mean “They Expect Me”You stay on call—emotionally, mentally, spiritually—because somewhere along the way, being on standby became your default love language.The truth is? They don’t need you as much as they’ve come to expect you. But expectation wears the mask of love so convincingly, you forget there’s a difference. And when that expectation is woven into your identity—when being useful is the main way you’ve ever felt wanted—letting go doesn’t feel like freedom. It feels like grief. Like rejection. Like disappearing. Check-in: Am I showing up out of love—or out of fear of what they’ll say if I don’t? 6. It’s the Weight of RepresentationYou are the first. The only. The one they point to. You walk into rooms knowing that your tone, your clothes, your hair, your boundaries are not just yours—they’re case studies. You know the scrutiny will come wrapped in a smile. You carry the unspoken contract that you must succeed with grace, speak with polish, and never, ever show fatigue. You feel the pressure to make it look easy—because if you struggle, it might confirm every silent doubt they already had.You don’t just represent yourself. You represent the whole lineage. And some days, it feels less like pride and more like pressure that won’t let you breathe. Check-in: Am I allowed to be whole here—or just exceptional? These aren’t just emotional flags. These are body-level alarms. Your spirit is not subtle when it’s suffocating. And

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Why Saying No Can Break Your Heart (Before It Sets You Free)

1 Comment / mindset /

Everyone says “no” is a complete sentence.And technically, it is. But what they don’t always say—at least not honestly—is what happens after that sentence lands.What it costs. What it shakes loose. What it breaks open. And just so we\’re clear no isn’t always a sentence.Sometimes it’s a pause, a boundary, the decision to stop explaining your exhaustion and start honoring it.Sometimes it shows up in your calendar, in the people you stop chasing, and in the peace you stop apologizing for. And all of that is hard. Some folks shout about boundaries with so much bravado, you’d think it was easylike skipping a song you don’t like. But for me, no has often come with a quiet, unmourned grief.Not because I regret it. But because saying no to others sometimes meant saying goodbye to the version of me they validated most. There’s a particular ache that comes when you start saying no. Not the loud kind. Not the dramatic kind.It’s the kind that sneaks up on you in the stillness—after you’ve drawn a boundary, closed the laptop, silenced the phone, and finally chosen yourself. It should feel like freedom. And sometimes it does. But sometimes… especially when the stakes are high, it feels like grief. I know that grief.The quiet kind that shows up when you stop being the version of yourself other people counted on at your expense. The dependable one.The strong one.The one who always picked up the phone.Who always came through.Who always made it look easy—even when it wasn’t. I didn’t become her by accident. I became her because I learned early that being helpful made me lovable.That being needed made me necessary.That being the go-to girl—the fixer, the helper, the strong friend—was how I stayed close to people who didn’t always know how to love me unless I was performing.And the love I received?It was conditional—rooted in what I could do, not in who I was.But my soul was never asking to be useful.It was asking to be loved for simply being me. So I got good at disappearing into other people\’s needs and expectations.I said yes before I had time to feel the no.I let their praise become my proof of worth. And the scary part?I didn’t know I was doing it.I just thought I was being good. Being strong. Being kind. But when I started saying no—when I finally started choosing peace over performance—I felt the shift. Some people pulled away.Others stayed close, but changed.And a few? They never stopped being angry. That surprised me. I thought they’d come around. That they’d see this new version of me—more whole, more honest—and understand that I needed this.But some folks only knew how to love the version of me that made their lives easier. And when she left the room, so did their warmth. That’s when the grief set in. Not just for the relationships that shifted, but for the role I had mastered. The version of me who was always available, always saying yes, always making it work. I missed her sometimes—not because I wanted her life,but because she was validated. She was needed. She was praised. She was rewarded for disappearing. And I didn’t realize how much of my identity had been tied to that until I started stepping back. When most of your people are used to the version of you that overextends, your boundaries can feel like betrayal. Even if you’re still there – still being kind but also trying to breathe. They don’t always see the difference between self-honoring and rejection. And honestly? There were moments that made me question myself. Am I being too cold now?Too unavailable?Too distant? But in the depths of my soul , I knew: I wasn’t being unkind. I was just… being honest. And for someone who had learned to survive through sacrifice, that honesty felt dangerous. I didn’t move through it like they show in the movies.There was no one clear moment when I realized I needed to change, no sweeping scene where I chose myself and never looked back. It was clumsy. It looked like me insisting, even when they asked me to reconsider. It was saying no—again and again—to the chorus of “please,” while my body screamed to make it easier.It was knowing I’d just changed how they saw me—and still not taking it back. It was the sting of being called “mean” by people who had mistaken my overextension for love.It was being cast as the one who “didn\’t care,” when what I was really doing was crawling my way back to myself. I didn’t want to be the bad guy, the one who changed the dynamic. I didn’t want to be met with hurt, silence, or distance. But I had to become her. Because staying the same meant staying in patterns that were quietly hurting me. It meant continuing to betray myself in order to be celebrated by people who only loved the version of me that didn’t need anything in return. And in some ways, I’m still in it. Learning how to sit with the grief that comes from not being the over giver. Noticing the sting when I show up for me and it goes unacknowledged by people who were used to a different version of me. Still feeling that quiet ache when the text goes unanswered… when the invitation doesn’t come… when the care I used to offer so freely isn’t mirrored back. There are days when I feel strong.And there are days when I feel selfish.Both are true. But underneath it all, I’m starting to find me. Not the performance and definitely not the version that got the praise.Me. And the more I find her, the more I realize that wholeness doesn’t always feel good in the moment. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s lonely.Sometimes it feels like choosing the long road when the shortcut is right there. But it’s mine. And even in the ache, I know I’m getting closer to a life I don’t have

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Soft Is Not a Weakness—It’s a Revolution

4 Comments / boundaries, self-sovereignty /

Why letting yourself be soft is the boldest move a strong woman can make For Black and Latinx women, softness was never sold to us as a birthright.We were taught—by women who loved us fiercely—that softness could be dangerous.That the world wouldn’t treat us gently, so we had to be ready.Sharp. Smart. Strong. Silent when necessary.Because being “too soft” might get us dismissed. Or hurt. Or broken. They didn’t teach us this to harm us—they taught us this to protect us.Their love showed up in lessons that kept us safe in a world that too often didn’t see us as soft, human, or whole. So we got good at being hard.At walking into rooms with our shoulders squared and our edges polished.At being useful. Reliable. Unbreakable. But here’s what I’ve come to know:Just because they handed us armor doesn’t mean we have to wear it every day.We can honor what protected them, and still make adjustments to meet the moment we’re in. We are allowed to evolve the blueprint.We are allowed to soften. Softness, Redefined Softness doesn’t mean weakness.It doesn’t mean shrinking.It means choosing peace over performance.It means prioritizing your nervous system instead of your résumé.It means being grounded enough to say, “I don’t have to prove anything today. I just get to be.” Softness is sovereignty.And stepping into it as a high-achieving woman? That’s not a retreat—it’s a revolution. How to Be Soft Without Losing Your Power Here are 7 unique and culturally grounded ways to access the soft life that go beyond bubble baths and vision boards: Because rest isn’t always a nap, and softness doesn’t have to look like lace and lavender. 1. Let the email/text go unanswered—on purpose. Not forever. Just long enough to remind yourself that urgency isn’t your identity.Softness says, “I saw it. I’ll get to it… after I get to me.” Try this: Instead of rushing to respond, pause and ask, “Am I answering this because I want to or because I feel guilty?” If it’s guilt, go light a candle instead. 2. Schedule a “Do Absolutely Nothing” Hour… and guard it like it’s Beyoncé tickets. Softness isn’t just rest—it’s resistance to the urge to perform.So what do you do when the itch to be productive hits? You notice it, name it, and stay put.Try this: Lay on the floor. Watch the ceiling fan spin. Count how many times your brain tries to make a to-do list. Then whisper to yourself, “Not right now, boo.” 3. Step back from being the fixer, the planner, or the backbone—just for a little while. Let someone else be the responsible one. Let the potato salad be too salty. Let the group text stay ungrouped. But what about the guilt?Whew. It’ll show up, yes. But here’s the reframe:You’re not abandoning anyone. You’re modeling balance.You’re teaching folks that the strong one can be soft, too. 4. Stop explaining your rest to people who still believe grinding is a personality trait. Let’s be real: Everyone’s not ready for your soft era—and that’s okay.You don’t owe an explanation. You owe yourself peace. Soft script: No is complete. So is silence. 5. Eat the good mango… alone. You know the one—perfectly ripe, juicy, and dripping sunshine.Usually, you give it away because “somebody else might want it.” This time? You light a candle, slice that thing up, and enjoy it with both hands. Softness is learning to choose joy without splitting it in half. 6. Build a Boundary Playlist. Songs that remind you of who you are when you’re soft, centered, and not playing with your peace. Your soft life soundtrack might include: Hit play when guilt creeps in, when boundaries feel shaky, or when you need to realign with your softness. 7. Let someone else open the jar—literally and metaphorically. Listen, you can do it yourself. You always have.But softness whispers, “You don’t have to.” Let the person offer to help. Let your friend show up. Let your partner make the plan. And here’s the thing, even if it’s not perfect, let it be. Your Soft Era Deserves a Strategy. Choosing softness is bold. But sustaining it? That takes intention. If you’re tired of leading with exhaustion, holding everyone’s emotions, or feeling like peace has to wait until you finish everything else… it’s time to rewrite that script. Let’s map out your soft life—on your terms, with joy, boundaries, and clarity at the center. ✨ Book your complimentary clarity callYou don’t need to hustle for healing. You just need a plan that honors your softness.

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The Other Side of Betrayal

2 Comments / Wellness /

Burning Bridges, Feeling It All, and Choosing Me Anyway Last week, I didn’t blog.Not because I didn’t have something to say—But because I was living something that needed my full attention. The betrayal?It wasn’t messy.It was quiet. Calculated. Deep. The kind that cuts cleaner than any argument ever could.The kind that demands a decision:Stay silent and pretend… or stand up and protect your peace. I chose me. I said everything that needed to be said—Clear. Direct. Without apology.I didn’t just burn the bridge—I burned it to the ground.I watched it burn with fire in my chest and rage in my heart—because sometimes, that’s what self-respect requires. And when there was nothing left but ash—I walked away. Not untouched.Not unaffected.But still standing.Still proud.Still me. What I Learned While It Burned Yes, it hurt. Yes, there were tears.Grief wrapped itself around my heart some days tighter than others.But even through the ache, I never doubted the decision. Because grief and clarity can exist at the same time.You can mourn what you lost and still know you’re better for losing it. Every tear was cleansing.Every ache was proof of how much I had grown. And now?On the other side? I’m lighter.I’m prouder.I’m walking taller because I didn’t shrink to make anyone else comfortable. Burning that bridge wasn’t just necessary. It was sacred. Because I’ve Done the Inner Work, I Knew This Wasn’t About Me There was a time when betrayal would have sent me spiraling into self-blame.Second-guessing my kindness. Replaying every conversation. Wondering what I could have done differently. But not anymore. I’ve done the real work—the late nights, the therapy sessions, the hard journaling, the forgiveness (of myself first). And because of that, when betrayal came knocking, I didn’t open the door to shame. I recognized the betrayal for what it was:A reflection of their limitations—not mine. I saw who they moved on to, and instead of feeling jealous, I felt clear:I could never be her again.I could never unsee my own growth.I could never contort myself back into the version of me that once accepted less. No judgment, no bitterness—just gratitude for how far I’ve come. Let me be clear about something—I’m not sorry that I opened my heart.I’m not sorry that I trusted, that I believed, that I gave love room to grow. That wasn’t my failure.That was my courage on full display. Because loving fully, even in a world that doesn’t always honor it, is never wrong.It’s powerful.It’s beautiful.And it’s still who I am—betrayal or not. They may have mishandled my heart.But they never broke it. Because the parts of me that chose love?They are still intact.They are still strong.And they are still mine. The Truth About Letting Go: It Hurts, But It Heals Letting go stripped away every illusion I had left.It forced me to confront the parts of myself that still wanted to hope, still wanted to fix. And it showed me something deeper:I no longer needed to cling to anything—or anyone—to be whole. The pain was real.The heartbreak was sharp. But the pride I feel now?It’s heavier than the hurt ever was. And the peace on the other side?It’s the kind of peace you don’t borrow from anyone else.It’s the kind you build with your own two hands. 💬 I Almost Didn’t Share This I almost kept this story tucked away. Because it’s tempting to only share the highlight reel.It’s tempting to only show the healing, not the burning that came before it. But I’m not here to perform.I’m here to be real. I’m not telling this story for sympathy or applause.I’m telling it because protecting your peace will cost you comfort—and you need to know it’s still worth every inch of the journey. If you are standing in front of your own burning bridge right now—If you are wondering if you’re allowed to be heartbroken and still walk away—Let me tell you: You are. And you must. 🖤 Here’s What I Know For Sure You weren’t made to fold yourself into spaces that can’t hold your light.You weren’t made to beg for respect or love.You weren’t made to stay small just because someone else’s vision of you was. Your time is sacred.Your peace is priceless.Your future is too beautiful to let insecure, undeserving hands leave their fingerprints on it. Burn the bridge if you must.Grieve if you must.Cry if you must. And then—Stand taller. Walk freer. Live louder. You deserve the kind of life you don’t have to shrink to survive. P.S.If you’ve ever burned the bridge, sat in the smoke, wiped your tears, and still chose yourself—drop a 🔥 in the comments.This is for us.The ones who didn’t just survive betrayal—we outgrew it.

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How Looking Within for Validation Helps You Become Your Best Self

5 Comments / mindset /

When You’re Your Best Self, Safety Starts Within Let me tell you about a little gem of wisdom I got from my coach today. Now, you already know my memory isn’t the best, but her words hit so hard that even I couldn’t forget them. She said, “When you’re the best version of yourself, you look within for your safety.” And y’all, when I tell you I needed to hear that? It was like a pressure release valve. Let me paint the scene for you: she started breaking it down, explaining why in those moments when I feel like I need external validation (you know, when you’re hoping someone will say, *“You did a great job!” or “You’re so amazing!”), what I really need is to sit still and care for myself. Oof. Which one of us hasn’t gotten tired of being our own cheerleader? Sometimes you just want someone else to wave a pom-pom or throw a little confetti for all the hard work you’re doing. And that’s normal—it’s human! But my coach hit me with the truth bomb: those moments when I’m craving external validation? That’s just my inner self waving her little flag, letting me know it’s time for me to love on me. Why This Hit Me So Hard Here’s the thing: when you’re on a journey to be your best self, it’s easy to get caught up in looking for outside approval. Whether it’s from a partner, a boss, or even your followers on social media, we all want that little nod that says, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie!” But here’s the problem—when you rely on others for that safety and validation, it’s like building a house on sand. If the applause stops or the compliments don’t come, what happens then? You’re left questioning yourself, and that’s no way to live. What my coach reminded me is that real safety—the kind that lasts—isn’t external. It’s internal. It comes from showing up for yourself, even when it feels hard, and being the kind of person who can say, “I see you. I love you. You’re doing great.” When Your Inner Self Calls, Answer Her The next time you catch yourself scrolling through your texts to see if someone acknowledged your efforts, or replaying a conversation hoping they’ll say you did a good job—pause. That’s your inner self whispering, “Hey, it’s me. I need you right now.” Here’s what you can do instead: When you do this, you’re telling yourself, “I’ve got you.” And let me tell you, that’s the most powerful thing you can ever say to yourself. The Beauty of Looking Within Being your best self isn’t about being perfect or never needing a little encouragement. It’s about knowing that at the end of the day, you can always return to you. When you’re able to look within for safety, love, and validation, the rest of the world becomes a bonus—not a requirement. So, the next time you feel like you need external validation, remember: it’s just your inner self asking for a little love. Show up for her. She’s been cheering for you all along. If this message resonates with you and you’re ready to deepen your self-love journey, join us at Chocolate Serenity. Through coaching, retreats, and community, we’re here to help you build a life rooted in joy, peace, and unwavering confidence. Your best self is waiting. Are you ready to meet her? And hey don’t keep this a secret, like, share, comment, follow. The only way we all grow is if we give each other a hand.

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The Clap Back

authenticity, boundaries, Wellness /

Why It’s Often Not Worth It This weekend after weeks of work related stress I finally took a moment to get to the beach which is where I fully relax. I had a great day, my shoulders dropped from around my ears and I was feeling good. When I tell you as soon as I came home I had a hurtful encounter that completely pissed me off, please believe me. All I wanted to do in that moment was clap back. It is only the fact that I know better that kept me from unleashing on the person with the full force of my tongue. So today, I want to focus on that moment when someone hurts you, and all you want to do is unleash your inner clap-back queen. Maybe it was a shady comment, a backhanded compliment, or just straight-up disrespect. Either way, you’re sitting there, heart racing, and the perfect withering comeback is sitting on the tip of your tongue, just begging to be let loose. But then, something in you knows…this isn’t going to help. And with a little disappointment at the momentary glee you would feel from being reckless, you rein your tongue in. Whew!!!!! Being the best version of yourself is not easy. But it’s definitely worth it. Don’t get me wrong. If anyone gets it, I do. When someone comes for you, the natural reaction is to defend yourself, right? I don’t know about you but I have the keen desire to show them that there is one, but I am not the one. But here’s the thing: clapping back might feel good in the moment, but for me it usually leads to regret later on. I replay it in my head and feel badly that what I said or did, is not at all aligned with my goal of being the best version of myself, and more than likely caused harm. Cause there is nothing nice about me when I am in clap back mode. The aftermath is just not worth it. Three things I hate about the aftermath of the clapback: So, what’s the alternative? How do you handle being hurt without letting the clap back energy rule? Here are a few strategies that help me. Please note none of this is easy in the moment, but it helps. When The Clap Back Energy Tries to Come to the Front: The first step is to pause. Yes I said pause. When someone hurts you, that immediate surge of emotion can cloud your judgment. But before you react with the clap back that lays them out in their permanent resting place – take a breath. Give yourself a moment to process what just happened. This isn’t about ignoring your feelings—it’s about giving yourself time to fully understand them so that you can respond thoughtfully. Tip: Count to ten before you say anything or take nine deep slow breaths (which is about 3 mins). You’d be surprised how much clarity comes in those ten seconds or three minutes depending on which you choose. Not every battle is worth fighting. Sometimes, people come at you leaking their own issues and baggage, and it has nothing to do with you. Ask yourself if clapping back will make the situation better or just escalate it. Example: If someone makes a snarky comment at work, think about whether it’s worth engaging. Will it change the situation? Or will it just create more tension? Key Question: Will this matter to me tomorrow, next week, or next year? If the answer is no, it’s probably best to let it go. There’s a difference between reacting out of hurt and responding from a place of strength. When you react, it’s impulsive. But when you respond, you’re in control. It takes a lot of discipline to stay in control. Responding can be silence or a mindful response, but the key is to respond in a way that is true to your highest version of yourself. Tip: If you need to address the situation, try something like, “I didn’t appreciate what you said, and here’s why.” Explain your why, if you choose to, and be clear about what you would prefer in the future. I find that we would rather display anger than admit hurt, but I am trying to be more honest about communicating when I am hurt. That means I now literally tell people when they are being hurtful if I want to maintain a relationship with them. Responding instead of reacting shows you’re not about to let anyone walk over you, but you’re executing the enforcement of your boundaries with grace so that you can be proud of yourself. This is really for you, not the other person. If the emotions are bubbling up and you really want to clap back, find a healthier way to release that energy. My go to’s are calling a friend, or hitting my punching bag. What ever you choose to do, choose something that lets you get the negative emotions out of your system in a way that doesn’t leave you with regret later. Example: I once had a situation where someone said something wild to me at work. I was ready to fire back, and I would have skewered them and I knew it. I chose not to respond. I called my sister fuming and she let me vent. By the end of the conversation, I felt better, I still had my pride and the means by which to pay my bills. That person however was never allowed inside of my safe space again. Clapping back would’ve done more harm than good for me in that moment. And setting boundaries was so much more productive. Tip: Can’t make a quick call? Go sit in your car and record a 5-minute voice memo rant on your phone, then delete it. Trust me, it works wonders for getting the frustration out without causing damage. Sometimes, the best response is no response at all.

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Real Connections, Real Joy

4 Comments / authenticity, Wellness /

How to Cultivate Deeper, More Meaningful Relationships Alright, let’s get real for a minute. You’ve got the career, the degrees, the accomplishments, the home. You’ve checked off all the boxes, and from the outside, life is looking good. But when it comes to the people in your life, the connections that should bring you joy? They’re just not hitting the way they should. That was me a few years ago. To be honest, I am an introvert so when my relationships feel off kilter that is a big deal. We all know that real joy comes from real connections—those deep, meaningful relationships that lift you up, not the surface-level ones that just take up space and make you take a deep breath before engaging with the person. You know that you know what I mean. But here’s the thing I had to learn; meaningful connections don’t just happen because you’ve known someone for a long time or because you see them regularly. They happen when you’re intentional, when you let yourself be seen, and when you focus on the people who really matter. I don’t know about you but for me that was a game changer. I had assumed that people pay attention to my needs in the way that I pay attention to theirs. Boy was I wrong. For the most part people are busy with their lives and they aren’t thinking about what you need, you have to tell them. When I changed my approach my relationships improved and I cannot lie, I was shocked that such a simple thing was the game changer. I have a friend that likes to tell me closed mouths don’t get fed. To be honest, I hate the phrase but in this case, it’s the truth. Anyway let’s talk about how I learned to build those kinds of relationships—the ones that leave you feeling filled up instead of drained – and maybe it can help you too. 1. Be Intentional About Your Relationships Listen, life gets busy. We’ve all been guilty of going through the motions, keeping up with relationships out of habit or obligation. But if you want to feel that real joy, you have to put some thought into who you’re spending your time with. Are you hanging out with people because it’s convenient, or because they truly add something to your life? This was a big one for me, because I am the type of person whose emotions are impacted by the company I keep. So I can’t be around folks who drain my energy. I knew that, but I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was spending time with people who were taking value, but not adding any. If that’s you here is what worked for me. What can you do?Take a step back and ask yourself: Who am I really connected to? Who makes me feel seen and heard? And who am I just keeping around because it’s comfortable? This is your life, —there’s no room for draining relationships. The people you spend time with should bring you energy, not just take it. I have big sister energy so I am always trying to help and nurture, but I realized I didn’t have balance. I needed people who would do the same for me. Action Step:Here is something you can do: Choose one or two people who you feel a true connection with and schedule time to catch up in a way that feels authentic to the relationship and you. Whether it’s a phone call, a coffee date, or just sitting on the couch choose a medium where you can be fully present with them and focus on building that relationship. Think about it this way, when was the last time you were truly listened to, or truly listened to someone without interrupting with a story of your own or with questions that piqued your curiosity. Try offering a deep listening experience to someone you value and watch what happens. 2. Create Space for Vulnerability Now, I get it—vulnerability isn’t always easy. Especially when you’ve been in control of your life for so long, letting someone see the “real you” can feel uncomfortable. But here’s the thing: real connections require you to show up as your full self. That’s the only way people can truly know you, and that’s where the joy comes from. Ma’am/Sir, this one was hard for me. Like I said, I have big sister energy, so I am not used to being the one who gets the help. But I had to learn to speak up and say what I needed, and wanted. I thought it would be so hard, but honestly because I was doing it with people who really cared, it was not hard at all. I just had to be brave and say it. So I did, I told people when I didn’t want them to be judgy, I told people when I wanted them to listen, I told people when things didn’t sit well for me. And it worked! I got what I needed from the people who cared. What can you do?Start small. You don’t have to spill your whole life story in one sitting, but try sharing a little bit more of what’s going on with you or about what you need the next time you talk to someone you trust. Tell them what’s really on your mind, whether it’s something that’s been bothering you or a dream you’ve been holding onto. Let them in a little more than you usually do. I did this with my younger sister and she was so supportive that I felt silly not doing it for so long. I was used to being there for her, but given the chance, she was there for me and it felt so good. Action Step:The next time you have a conversation with someone you trust, try sharing a small thing about yourself that you’ve been holding on to. It doesn’t have

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Boost Your Self-Worth

5 Comments / Wellness /

A Guide Inspired by Dr. Christina Hibbert’s This Is How We Grow Hey there, beautiful! It’s time to elevate your sense of self-worth. Rest assured, whenever I encourage you to take action, I always provide practical steps. Firstly, I drew inspiration for this post from Dr. Christina Hibbert’s book, This Is How We Grow. She makes a fascinating differentiation between self-esteem and self-love, and I am here for it. She defines self-esteem as our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about ourselves and self-worth as an unshakable understanding that we are valuable, lovable, essential to this life, and of immeasurable worth. She believes that we can have “high self-esteem,” meaning that we can acknowledge our skills, yet still not be entirely convinced of our lovability and worth. When I read that I felt like she was ‘strumming my pain with her fingers and singing my life with her words’, to quote Roberta Flack and Lauryn Hill. That made so much sense to me, because I was always clear that I was smart and able to rack up accolades, but I did not always feel valuable and worthy. So to say this resonated with me was an understatement. As if my mind was not blown enough, she went on to talk about the fact that self-esteem can’t be sustained or even be effective if we do not have a sense of self-worth. So her whole vibe is, let’s stop worrying about self-esteem and let’s look at self-worth. She created a pyramid for achieving self-worth and names the key elements of self-worth as self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love. So let’s get into it and you know me there will be a smidge of humor, a dash of sass, and whole lot of concrete ways to increase our self-worth so that we can increase our mental fitness. 1. Self-Awareness: Reflect and Shine Let’s begin at the beginning. In order to be self-aware you have to be willing to see yourself for who you really are – the good, the bad, and the ugly. And who amongst us does not have some ugly tucked away in the back of our closets? So it’s nothing to be ashamed of, own it. Do you like to cuss like a sailor? Own it. Or maybe you sneakily like to watch other peoples’ calamity. Own it. The point is not to judge yourself but to really know yourself. And not just your social self, the self we present to world, it’s important to know your essential self. The one that probably never sees the light of day but is who you really are deep down inside. Listen, you will never see this but I suck my tongue when I am falling asleep. I don’t care if you judge me, it soothes me and it is what I do. Self-awareness is knowing all the pieces that make you, you. Your strengths, your areas of growth, your talents, your skills, your abilities, your mistakes, the things that you can’t do but wish you could (Is singing on your list? It’s on mine but it remains a wish.), and the things you have zero interest in ever learning (Fishing, if I never learned how to fish it would still be too soon). The goal of self-awareness is seeing the whole picture—flaws, fabulousness, and all. If the thought of this causes you to break out in hives, take a deep breath and consider some of these activities. Practical Ways to Boost Your Self-Awareness: 2. Self-Acceptance: Embrace Your Whole Self When you become truly familiar with your self it’s time to accept all your parts. Yes the cellulite and soft belly need acceptance too. And that body part that you think isn’t your best body part, it needs acceptance too. And those mistakes you made, they need acceptance too. Because accepting the pieces that you aren’t the most proud of, means you aren’t discounting any of your parts that make you, you; and owning that you don’t need to be perfect, you just need to be your best you. Listen this one is deeply resonant for me cause I remember hating my dark skin, my full nose and my full lips when I was younger and by doing the work I am suggesting below, ya girl’s favorite lipsticks are now two bold colors by The Lip Bar – Bawse Lady and Rich Auntie. It didn’t happen overnight but over time I learned to love all of me. Does that mean I don’t still try to get rid of the muffin top, heck nah. I love me and I want to be my healthiest me and I know that muffin top could increase my health risk factors. So here are some things that work for me. Steps to Foster Self-Acceptance: 3. Self-Love: The Ultimate Love Affair The third and final component is self-love! This is where you treat yourself like the gem you are. Self-love means nurturing and caring for yourself, being kind to yourself, and allowing love to flow in and out of your life. And if you are unsure about this remember that gems are formed under pressure and aren’t always flawless. E.g. did you know that rubies are generally rarer than most diamonds? But because more people want diamonds, diamonds are generally more expensive. Let that sit in your spirit for a minute. Curate Your Self-Love: Conclusion Ok. So there you have it. If you want to learn more I would recommend grabbing Dr. Christina Hibbert’s This Is How We Grow. Remember, enhancing your self-awareness, embracing self-acceptance, and cultivating self-love, will help you to free your essential self from its prison of social norms and and shine brighter than ever. Start today and watch your self-worth multiply exponentially. Let me know if any of the steps above work for you. If you found this content helpful, please like, share, comment and subscribe. Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, and if you or someone you know needs coaching, a speaker or a podcast

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