growth

Why Choose Struggle?

Wellness /

Me: observing the person struggle. Me: Would you like some help? Them (still struggling): No I got it. I had a decision to make in that moment. Do I continue to watch the struggle while doing nothing? Do I look away? Or do I go over there and help? I chose to walk over and help. The task got done faster than if the person had continued to struggle. What is interesting is that I recognized what was happening in that moment because I do it too. There are times when I choose struggle. Sometimes I choose struggle because I don’t trust the person offering the help. Let’s be real, everyone isn’t offering with a genuine heart so I feel justified in turning those offers down. Sometimes I choose struggle because I really want to figure something out on my own. And sometimes the only way the learning is in the struggle. But only sometimes. Most of the times that I choose struggle, is because the narrative playing in my head at that moment is telling me to refuse the offer of help without thinking it through, it is telling me to choose struggle. Why do I listen? I listen because the messages that I have internalized tell me that I have to prove myself worthy. The messages that I have internalized tell me that I am not good enough as I am, so I deserve to struggle. Somehow I had romanticized struggling and brainwashed myself into believing it made me independent. HA!!!! What it really made me was tired and anxious and at times resentful. It was not healthy. I used to believe that the reason that I didn’t accept help was because I had been a single woman and parent for so long. But that is not entirely true. What is interesting is that I am quick to offer help. Recently I read something that helped me to contextualize my refusal of help as the trauma response it was. I wasn’t shocked but I was fed up. I am not about being controlled and certainly not by unhealthy thought patterns. So I have been reassessing my responses to offers of help. Sometimes the automatic no still pops out of my mouth when an offer of help is extended. However, these days I am accepting help more often and guess what? It feels good to get help. Things get done better and faster and without the struggle. It’s a whole new world for me. Please note, I am still not adept at asking for help, but if you know me in real life and you offer help, there is a good chance that I am accepting. Breaking unhealthy patterns is liberating.

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The Cost of Looking Away

Wellness /

Integrity. One word, only nine letters but the weight of it is incredibly impactful. Every time we are faced with a decision we have the choice to demonstrate integrity. I would never pretend that choosing integrity is always easy. Sometimes choosing integrity means you are going against the grain, making the unpopular choice and standing alone. I am not a romantic person who waxes poetic about the virtues of making the right choice. It’s hard if we are being honest. Integrity always costs something. Energy, acceptance, peace, time, companionship – the list could go on forever. So I completely understand that some times it is easier to fit in or just stay quiet because we don’t want to risk the cost of integrity. Sometimes we convince ourselves that the cost isn’t worth it. And there are times when that leaves us a bit uneasy, and there are other times it doesn’t bother us one tiny bit. Can we tell the truth? I am not here to judge. How could I? We are all human and I don’t always get it right. But the thing I am reminding myself of lately is that the systems that are used to oppress others only work because people look away instead of choosing integrity. They thrive on our choices to do what is comfortable instead of standing for what is right. Don’t believe me, watch? A group of people chose integrity in the summer of 2020 when a police officer used his power irresponsibly to murder George Floyd. What if they had chosen to look away? As a matter of fact, I have a better question. Do we think this was the first time that officer had used his power irresponsibly? Unlikely, but what is more likely is that others saw his problematic behavior and chose to look away. It may seem harmless to look away when faced with the cost of integrity, but is it really harmless? It may not cost us, but it costs someone, hopefully not their lives, but the point is that it is not harmless. Many of us are in positions of power in various parts of our lives. What is the cost if we don’t demonstrate integrity, and who pays it? Systems are maintained by people, and when we let our integrity slip, oppressive systems thrive. I can’t determine for anyone if, and when, they should choose integrity, but I do know that even if you don’t pay the cost, someone will. Integrity is not an abstract or nebulous concept, according to the Oxford dictionary it is the actual practice ‘of being honest and having strong moral principles’. I would like my legacy to be that I engaged and spoke up and that I was a person of integrity, I don’t want to be the person who looks away and allows someone else to pay the cost. This doesn’t mean that I will be Don Quixote tilting at every windmill (Do people still know what that means?), but when I am in positions where I need to speak up, I will.

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Don’t Regift Misery

Wellness /

Yesterday I posted about people in my life who are joy bringers. And as if the universe has an odd sense of humor, today I was in the worst mood. I got more sad news, I am having some weird allergic reaction so I have what I think are hives, and folks were tap dancing on my very last nerve ALL day long. On days like this I have to be careful about my own energy. On days like this I have to monitor myself so that I don’t leak on folks who didn’t cut me. Don’t get me wrong, languishing in my bad mood is tempting but I know that if I don’t get a grip on it, it will get a grip on me. And that is not a part of my journey. So today, I did some things to minimize the risk of me regifting misery. I did some things that bring me joy. First I prayed, because I needed to lean on my faith to get through the day. I ate something delicious. Good tasting food can definitely improve my mood. Don’t judge me. I hung the new art prints that came earlier this week. I am lying, I didn’t hang anything. I supervised the hanging of the prints. I got joy from watching them be hung. I made sure that I found ways to laugh today. I complimented folks today. I also fussed a bit today. I am not one of those folks who try to pretend that I don’t get fussy. I do. And I did today. I needed to let off some steam and one of my joy bringers gave me the space I needed to do that. I am about to sign off for the day and listen to some music, cook and eat some good food, and maybe watch a show that will soothe my soul. If the weather holds up go catch a sunset. I am taking these intentional steps because I am committed to living a life of joy Do me a favor, don’t regift misery. Monitor your own energy. The things you go through are not necessarily gifts that you need to pass on to others. My grandmother used to say you don’t have to look like what you’ve been through. The same goes for the way you behave. Just cause you’re going through some thing it doesn’t mean others want to join you in it. If you have to pass something on, let it be positive energy. So in that vein, here is a shot of the sunset that I took last night. How do you keep yourself from leaking on others when events of your day aren’t feeding your soul? How do you avoid regifting misery? Please enjoy the rest of your day.

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Joy Bringers

2 Comments / Wellness /

I have heard it said on many occasions that we should be careful who we let into our spaces, – physical, emotional, social, etc – to protect our energy. There are some folks who have positive outlooks on life, who energize other. I don’t mean the folks who are inauthentically joyful all the time. I am talking about the folks who can see you going off the rails and honestly and kindly get you back on track without judgement. Folks who can see when life is kicking you in the teeth, acknowledge it, and remind you that you will get through it even if its hard right now. Folks who remind you of how dope you are when the world tries to make you believe otherwise. I have a crew of folks like that in my life, I call them joy bringers. They are folks who will help me find my glasses for the hundredth time but never judge me. Folks who ask what can I do to help when I am having a bad day. Folks who remind me that I can when insecurities are flaring. Folks who make me laugh at myself when I am getting flustered. Folks who tell me bad jokes and make me laugh at the end of tough workouts or meetings. I am fortunate that they are in my life. I cherish them. Today I was talking to one of them about doing a new thing and she said to me, ‘I get that you’re scared but where is your faith?’. Y’all, when I tell you that snapped me to attention. It ministered to my soul. I am still afraid but she reminded me that my fear, cannot be greater than my faith. My joy bringers keep it real. They tell me the truth in a loving way. They hold me accountable without judging me. They laugh a lot and make me laugh. They are pursuing their own goals while cheering me on as I pursue mine. They are so busy focusing on their own goals that they don’t have time to focus on negativity. The thing about having a crew of joy bringers is that you have to become one yourself. You have to do your own work so that as another one of my joy bringers said, ‘you don’t leak your stuff on folks who didn’t cut you.’ It was such a good way to encapsulate the importance of healing yourself. Cause joy bringers will kindly excuse themselves from your presence if you leak on them. I wasn’t always a joy bringer. I was hurting and leaking my hurt on anyone who came too close. As I healed, I was able to set and stick to boundaries, which allowed me to open up more, which allowed me to become a joy bringer, which allowed me to attract joy bringers – it was a chain reaction. Having joy bringers and being a joy bringer has changed my life. I feel like I have become the me that I was intended to be. If you don’t have a crew of joy bringers, you can assemble one by being a joy bringer, it’s the most fulfilling thing you can do. Focus on healing from whatever hurts and traumas you have experienced. Pick 5 people who energize you to check on and say hello to regularly. Take time to focus on what you are thankful for and if it involves people, let them know how they impacted you. Find opportunities to laugh. When folks need you, start by really listening to understand. Most folks are so happy to have someone listen just for the sake of listening it will bring them joy. Generally folks can solve their own problems. Practice just listening to understand what they are feeling. I am grateful that I am now in an emotional space where I can accept joy and give joy. It has definitely been a game changer in my life. Who are your joy bringers? Have you told them lately that you appreciate them?

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Insecurity Flare Ups

1 Comment / Wellness /

I think this photo is beautiful. But it almost didn’t happen because of an insecurity flare up. Have you ever watched someone talk themselves out of an opportunity? What was your response? I ask not in judgement. But because it can be a hard balance to strike between encouraging someone and respecting their choices. On the one hand, maybe the person has legitimate reasons for not wanting to do the thing. On the other hand it could be that they are having an insecurity flare up. How do you know the difference? I call them insecurity flare ups because I am not consistently insecure, but there are moments when unhelpful internalized messages play in stereo in my head and I become unable to motivate myself to try. To be clear, I don’t know what insecurity flare ups feel like for other people. I can only speak for myself. When my insecurities are flaring they are strong enough to discourage me from things I know full well I can do. The tape recorder (Yes its a tape recorder. It is old and malfunctions but it refuses to die.) in my head some times gets stuck on a loop that convinces me I can’t. In those moments, it’s like I am drowning in doubt. My vision is clouded. My confidence is sapped. And all I legit want to do is stay in bed and cower. I have definitely missed out on a number of experiences because I have given in to insecurity flare ups. I don’t have many regrets, but I definitely regret those moments. So I had to learn how to put those flares out before they consumed me. Here are a few things that work for me. I have learned to ask myself if I will regret not trying. Usually the answer is yes, but there are a few times when it was no but those are other stories for other days. I also ask myself what I will need to get through it. Most times companionship works. At other times I need not just a companion but an accountability partner. At other times I need to be reminded of all that I have already been blessed to do, and the outcomes of prior attempts. The last thing I ask myself is what is the worst that could happen. And I have be really honest about the worst that could happen, not dream up some dramatic unlikelihood. Usually its dealing with some sort of rejection. And although I am not a master of rejection, I know for a fact it won’t kill me. Now I think I have previously shared that I only take mild – medium risks, so if the risk factor is too high I might decline. When I am able to answer those questions honestly, they act as an extinguisher for those flares. And I can usually peel back the covers and go do the thing that I was moments ago willing to not even try. When I witness folks I am connected with struggling with what I believe to be an insecurity flare up, my instinct is to jump in and fix it. And by fix it I mean be an encourager, tell them how dope they are, reassure them of their greatness. But I have learned that helping them to change their own mindset is more impactful. To be honest, encouraging right off rip doesn’t work for me, because in the midst of a flare up I won’t really believe anything I am told. Now I ask them my list of questions instead of jumping right into encouraging mode. If, and when, they identify what they will need, I support them in finding it or provide it myself if I can. It feels more honest and more authentic to do it this way. Supporting someone through an insecurity flare up could mean you may end up tagging along on their adventure. Sometimes those are fun, and other times you wonder why they even wanted to do that thing in the first place. But always you know that you are helping someone to get past a mental block that could, if given the oxygen, flare into a raging fire that precludes them from accomplishing their goals. I think these photos are beautiful. They almost didn’t happen. I shot them while supporting someone through a flare up.

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Intentional Curation

1 Comment / Wellness /

Sunrise is always special to me. It heralds the beginning of a new day, new hope, new opportunities. I prefer to start the new day with hope. Even if I know it’s going to be a hard day I still prefer to hope for the best. Sunrise has become a symbol of hope for me. I watch sunrise as often as I can. I love the way that sunrise teases its debut with yellow and orange hues prior to the sun’s featured appearance. Sometimes I brew myself a cup of tea and sit quietly admiring the unfolding of the show it creates in the sky. Sometimes I say my morning prayers while watching the sun rise. Sometimes I take photos. Regardless of how I choose to acknowledge it, sunrise helps me to start my day with a smile. While I was always a fan of sunrise, it was not always a part of my morning routine. There was a time when I used to turn the news on first thing in the morning. I wish I had learned earlier in life that what I was putting into my mind impacted my mood. But now that I am aware, I intentionally curate my mornings. An alarm of birds tweeting instead of music or sounds. Prayer instead of scrolling through social media. Beauty instead of news. Exercise instead of laying in bed longer. Fruits instead of carbs for breakfast. But most importantly hope and gratitude instead of worry and dread. Now that I intentionally curate my mornings, I am better able to manage my anxiety. It grounds me to start my day this way. Although I still have challenges, my perspective has changed. I feel hopeful now, which allows me to be more grateful, which allows me to be more gracious and so on and so on. Intentional curation of my mornings has been a game changer for me. How do you intentionally curate your day? What benefits have you found?

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In Spite Of…

2 Comments / Uncategorized /

I was diagnosed with anxiety about ten years ago but I have lived with it for all of my adult life and likely some portion of my childhood. I didn’t always have the language to describe it as anxiety, but it has always been around. Anxiety can show up for me as frustration, as anger, as sadness, as disorganization, as hives (oh the discomfort), as procrastination, as social awkwardness, sleeplessness, and a slew of other ‘ness’-es and ‘tion’s. It isn’t always easy to tell when I am anxious because physically I may look and sound the same. I may be able to show up and appear productive and engaged. But on the inside there is a fear gripping me like a vise; my heart feels like it is racing, I feel jittery and some times my head aches, my breaths feel shallow, and my hands shake. Sometimes it triggers feelings of shame and inadequacy, due in no small part to the unhelpful internal narratives I have internalized. Overall, in spite of an external calm, internally there is a great deal of tumult. The thing about anxiety is that for me it is always there in the background. There are days when it lays quietly in the background like a sleepy older dog. But on other days it leaps around with abundant energy and reminds me to worry and be afraid of almost everything and everyone on a never ending loop. On most days, there are some things that help me to manage my anxiety. But to be truthful, they are the things I don’t want to do on bad days. Exercise helps me a lot. A brisk walk. A bike ride or work out all help. Sitting near the water and allowing my breathing to match the rhythm of the water splashing against the shore is also calming for me. Laughing helps. Watching stand up comedians that make me laugh out loud are a good antidote for me. Sunshine. The brightness of the sun and the warmth of it on my skin also helps. Some days I have to take an anti anxiety medication to make it through the day. Everything is harder when I am anxious and it takes a lot of internal work for me to function without leaking on others, especially when I am simultaneously managing the expectations of other people. After many years of not being able to name what I was feeling, a few more trying to ignore it, and a few more locked in a shame spiral because of it, I have come to accept that anxiety is a part of my journey, not the entire journey but certainly an impactful part of it. Truthfully having a name for it and an understanding of how it works was a game changer. Like most things that feel disruptive, I don’t enjoy the debilitating symptoms, but most days I can recognize why they have appeared and use one of the strategies above to manage them. I am at the point where I don’t succumb as much anymore, I feel less shame and I dare to aim for peace in my life. On my journey to serenity, this chocolate girl is naming acceptance and management of anxiety as one of the essential items I carry with me. It is no longer a derailment or detour, though it can be a distraction at times. But I am journeying on to peace in spite of anxiety. I have accomplished many of my goals in spite of my complicated journey with anxiety and I will keep pushing for serenity too. Anxiety may not be your thing, but please continue on to your goal in spite of what ever your thing is. Don’t quit. You are totally worth it. Sidebar – my anxiety about posting this was also a journey I had to make, but here we are.

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