growth

Joy Bringers

2 Comments / Wellness /

I have heard it said on many occasions that we should be careful who we let into our spaces, – physical, emotional, social, etc – to protect our energy. There are some folks who have positive outlooks on life, who energize other. I don’t mean the folks who are inauthentically joyful all the time. I am talking about the folks who can see you going off the rails and honestly and kindly get you back on track without judgement. Folks who can see when life is kicking you in the teeth, acknowledge it, and remind you that you will get through it even if its hard right now. Folks who remind you of how dope you are when the world tries to make you believe otherwise. I have a crew of folks like that in my life, I call them joy bringers. They are folks who will help me find my glasses for the hundredth time but never judge me. Folks who ask what can I do to help when I am having a bad day. Folks who remind me that I can when insecurities are flaring. Folks who make me laugh at myself when I am getting flustered. Folks who tell me bad jokes and make me laugh at the end of tough workouts or meetings. I am fortunate that they are in my life. I cherish them. Today I was talking to one of them about doing a new thing and she said to me, ‘I get that you’re scared but where is your faith?’. Y’all, when I tell you that snapped me to attention. It ministered to my soul. I am still afraid but she reminded me that my fear, cannot be greater than my faith. My joy bringers keep it real. They tell me the truth in a loving way. They hold me accountable without judging me. They laugh a lot and make me laugh. They are pursuing their own goals while cheering me on as I pursue mine. They are so busy focusing on their own goals that they don’t have time to focus on negativity. The thing about having a crew of joy bringers is that you have to become one yourself. You have to do your own work so that as another one of my joy bringers said, ‘you don’t leak your stuff on folks who didn’t cut you.’ It was such a good way to encapsulate the importance of healing yourself. Cause joy bringers will kindly excuse themselves from your presence if you leak on them. I wasn’t always a joy bringer. I was hurting and leaking my hurt on anyone who came too close. As I healed, I was able to set and stick to boundaries, which allowed me to open up more, which allowed me to become a joy bringer, which allowed me to attract joy bringers – it was a chain reaction. Having joy bringers and being a joy bringer has changed my life. I feel like I have become the me that I was intended to be. If you don’t have a crew of joy bringers, you can assemble one by being a joy bringer, it’s the most fulfilling thing you can do. Focus on healing from whatever hurts and traumas you have experienced. Pick 5 people who energize you to check on and say hello to regularly. Take time to focus on what you are thankful for and if it involves people, let them know how they impacted you. Find opportunities to laugh. When folks need you, start by really listening to understand. Most folks are so happy to have someone listen just for the sake of listening it will bring them joy. Generally folks can solve their own problems. Practice just listening to understand what they are feeling. I am grateful that I am now in an emotional space where I can accept joy and give joy. It has definitely been a game changer in my life. Who are your joy bringers? Have you told them lately that you appreciate them?

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Insecurity Flare Ups

1 Comment / Wellness /

I think this photo is beautiful. But it almost didn’t happen because of an insecurity flare up. Have you ever watched someone talk themselves out of an opportunity? What was your response? I ask not in judgement. But because it can be a hard balance to strike between encouraging someone and respecting their choices. On the one hand, maybe the person has legitimate reasons for not wanting to do the thing. On the other hand it could be that they are having an insecurity flare up. How do you know the difference? I call them insecurity flare ups because I am not consistently insecure, but there are moments when unhelpful internalized messages play in stereo in my head and I become unable to motivate myself to try. To be clear, I don’t know what insecurity flare ups feel like for other people. I can only speak for myself. When my insecurities are flaring they are strong enough to discourage me from things I know full well I can do. The tape recorder (Yes its a tape recorder. It is old and malfunctions but it refuses to die.) in my head some times gets stuck on a loop that convinces me I can’t. In those moments, it’s like I am drowning in doubt. My vision is clouded. My confidence is sapped. And all I legit want to do is stay in bed and cower. I have definitely missed out on a number of experiences because I have given in to insecurity flare ups. I don’t have many regrets, but I definitely regret those moments. So I had to learn how to put those flares out before they consumed me. Here are a few things that work for me. I have learned to ask myself if I will regret not trying. Usually the answer is yes, but there are a few times when it was no but those are other stories for other days. I also ask myself what I will need to get through it. Most times companionship works. At other times I need not just a companion but an accountability partner. At other times I need to be reminded of all that I have already been blessed to do, and the outcomes of prior attempts. The last thing I ask myself is what is the worst that could happen. And I have be really honest about the worst that could happen, not dream up some dramatic unlikelihood. Usually its dealing with some sort of rejection. And although I am not a master of rejection, I know for a fact it won’t kill me. Now I think I have previously shared that I only take mild – medium risks, so if the risk factor is too high I might decline. When I am able to answer those questions honestly, they act as an extinguisher for those flares. And I can usually peel back the covers and go do the thing that I was moments ago willing to not even try. When I witness folks I am connected with struggling with what I believe to be an insecurity flare up, my instinct is to jump in and fix it. And by fix it I mean be an encourager, tell them how dope they are, reassure them of their greatness. But I have learned that helping them to change their own mindset is more impactful. To be honest, encouraging right off rip doesn’t work for me, because in the midst of a flare up I won’t really believe anything I am told. Now I ask them my list of questions instead of jumping right into encouraging mode. If, and when, they identify what they will need, I support them in finding it or provide it myself if I can. It feels more honest and more authentic to do it this way. Supporting someone through an insecurity flare up could mean you may end up tagging along on their adventure. Sometimes those are fun, and other times you wonder why they even wanted to do that thing in the first place. But always you know that you are helping someone to get past a mental block that could, if given the oxygen, flare into a raging fire that precludes them from accomplishing their goals. I think these photos are beautiful. They almost didn’t happen. I shot them while supporting someone through a flare up.

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Intentional Curation

1 Comment / Wellness /

Sunrise is always special to me. It heralds the beginning of a new day, new hope, new opportunities. I prefer to start the new day with hope. Even if I know it’s going to be a hard day I still prefer to hope for the best. Sunrise has become a symbol of hope for me. I watch sunrise as often as I can. I love the way that sunrise teases its debut with yellow and orange hues prior to the sun’s featured appearance. Sometimes I brew myself a cup of tea and sit quietly admiring the unfolding of the show it creates in the sky. Sometimes I say my morning prayers while watching the sun rise. Sometimes I take photos. Regardless of how I choose to acknowledge it, sunrise helps me to start my day with a smile. While I was always a fan of sunrise, it was not always a part of my morning routine. There was a time when I used to turn the news on first thing in the morning. I wish I had learned earlier in life that what I was putting into my mind impacted my mood. But now that I am aware, I intentionally curate my mornings. An alarm of birds tweeting instead of music or sounds. Prayer instead of scrolling through social media. Beauty instead of news. Exercise instead of laying in bed longer. Fruits instead of carbs for breakfast. But most importantly hope and gratitude instead of worry and dread. Now that I intentionally curate my mornings, I am better able to manage my anxiety. It grounds me to start my day this way. Although I still have challenges, my perspective has changed. I feel hopeful now, which allows me to be more grateful, which allows me to be more gracious and so on and so on. Intentional curation of my mornings has been a game changer for me. How do you intentionally curate your day? What benefits have you found?

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In Spite Of…

2 Comments / Uncategorized /

I was diagnosed with anxiety about ten years ago but I have lived with it for all of my adult life and likely some portion of my childhood. I didn’t always have the language to describe it as anxiety, but it has always been around. Anxiety can show up for me as frustration, as anger, as sadness, as disorganization, as hives (oh the discomfort), as procrastination, as social awkwardness, sleeplessness, and a slew of other ‘ness’-es and ‘tion’s. It isn’t always easy to tell when I am anxious because physically I may look and sound the same. I may be able to show up and appear productive and engaged. But on the inside there is a fear gripping me like a vise; my heart feels like it is racing, I feel jittery and some times my head aches, my breaths feel shallow, and my hands shake. Sometimes it triggers feelings of shame and inadequacy, due in no small part to the unhelpful internal narratives I have internalized. Overall, in spite of an external calm, internally there is a great deal of tumult. The thing about anxiety is that for me it is always there in the background. There are days when it lays quietly in the background like a sleepy older dog. But on other days it leaps around with abundant energy and reminds me to worry and be afraid of almost everything and everyone on a never ending loop. On most days, there are some things that help me to manage my anxiety. But to be truthful, they are the things I don’t want to do on bad days. Exercise helps me a lot. A brisk walk. A bike ride or work out all help. Sitting near the water and allowing my breathing to match the rhythm of the water splashing against the shore is also calming for me. Laughing helps. Watching stand up comedians that make me laugh out loud are a good antidote for me. Sunshine. The brightness of the sun and the warmth of it on my skin also helps. Some days I have to take an anti anxiety medication to make it through the day. Everything is harder when I am anxious and it takes a lot of internal work for me to function without leaking on others, especially when I am simultaneously managing the expectations of other people. After many years of not being able to name what I was feeling, a few more trying to ignore it, and a few more locked in a shame spiral because of it, I have come to accept that anxiety is a part of my journey, not the entire journey but certainly an impactful part of it. Truthfully having a name for it and an understanding of how it works was a game changer. Like most things that feel disruptive, I don’t enjoy the debilitating symptoms, but most days I can recognize why they have appeared and use one of the strategies above to manage them. I am at the point where I don’t succumb as much anymore, I feel less shame and I dare to aim for peace in my life. On my journey to serenity, this chocolate girl is naming acceptance and management of anxiety as one of the essential items I carry with me. It is no longer a derailment or detour, though it can be a distraction at times. But I am journeying on to peace in spite of anxiety. I have accomplished many of my goals in spite of my complicated journey with anxiety and I will keep pushing for serenity too. Anxiety may not be your thing, but please continue on to your goal in spite of what ever your thing is. Don’t quit. You are totally worth it. Sidebar – my anxiety about posting this was also a journey I had to make, but here we are.

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