growth

Real Connections, Real Joy

4 Comments / authenticity, Wellness /

How to Cultivate Deeper, More Meaningful Relationships Alright, let’s get real for a minute. You’ve got the career, the degrees, the accomplishments, the home. You’ve checked off all the boxes, and from the outside, life is looking good. But when it comes to the people in your life, the connections that should bring you joy? They’re just not hitting the way they should. That was me a few years ago. To be honest, I am an introvert so when my relationships feel off kilter that is a big deal. We all know that real joy comes from real connections—those deep, meaningful relationships that lift you up, not the surface-level ones that just take up space and make you take a deep breath before engaging with the person. You know that you know what I mean. But here’s the thing I had to learn; meaningful connections don’t just happen because you’ve known someone for a long time or because you see them regularly. They happen when you’re intentional, when you let yourself be seen, and when you focus on the people who really matter. I don’t know about you but for me that was a game changer. I had assumed that people pay attention to my needs in the way that I pay attention to theirs. Boy was I wrong. For the most part people are busy with their lives and they aren’t thinking about what you need, you have to tell them. When I changed my approach my relationships improved and I cannot lie, I was shocked that such a simple thing was the game changer. I have a friend that likes to tell me closed mouths don’t get fed. To be honest, I hate the phrase but in this case, it’s the truth. Anyway let’s talk about how I learned to build those kinds of relationships—the ones that leave you feeling filled up instead of drained – and maybe it can help you too. 1. Be Intentional About Your Relationships Listen, life gets busy. We’ve all been guilty of going through the motions, keeping up with relationships out of habit or obligation. But if you want to feel that real joy, you have to put some thought into who you’re spending your time with. Are you hanging out with people because it’s convenient, or because they truly add something to your life? This was a big one for me, because I am the type of person whose emotions are impacted by the company I keep. So I can’t be around folks who drain my energy. I knew that, but I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was spending time with people who were taking value, but not adding any. If that’s you here is what worked for me. What can you do?Take a step back and ask yourself: Who am I really connected to? Who makes me feel seen and heard? And who am I just keeping around because it’s comfortable? This is your life, —there’s no room for draining relationships. The people you spend time with should bring you energy, not just take it. I have big sister energy so I am always trying to help and nurture, but I realized I didn’t have balance. I needed people who would do the same for me. Action Step:Here is something you can do: Choose one or two people who you feel a true connection with and schedule time to catch up in a way that feels authentic to the relationship and you. Whether it’s a phone call, a coffee date, or just sitting on the couch choose a medium where you can be fully present with them and focus on building that relationship. Think about it this way, when was the last time you were truly listened to, or truly listened to someone without interrupting with a story of your own or with questions that piqued your curiosity. Try offering a deep listening experience to someone you value and watch what happens. 2. Create Space for Vulnerability Now, I get it—vulnerability isn’t always easy. Especially when you’ve been in control of your life for so long, letting someone see the “real you” can feel uncomfortable. But here’s the thing: real connections require you to show up as your full self. That’s the only way people can truly know you, and that’s where the joy comes from. Ma’am/Sir, this one was hard for me. Like I said, I have big sister energy, so I am not used to being the one who gets the help. But I had to learn to speak up and say what I needed, and wanted. I thought it would be so hard, but honestly because I was doing it with people who really cared, it was not hard at all. I just had to be brave and say it. So I did, I told people when I didn’t want them to be judgy, I told people when I wanted them to listen, I told people when things didn’t sit well for me. And it worked! I got what I needed from the people who cared. What can you do?Start small. You don’t have to spill your whole life story in one sitting, but try sharing a little bit more of what’s going on with you or about what you need the next time you talk to someone you trust. Tell them what’s really on your mind, whether it’s something that’s been bothering you or a dream you’ve been holding onto. Let them in a little more than you usually do. I did this with my younger sister and she was so supportive that I felt silly not doing it for so long. I was used to being there for her, but given the chance, she was there for me and it felt so good. Action Step:The next time you have a conversation with someone you trust, try sharing a small thing about yourself that you’ve been holding on to. It doesn’t have

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Who Do You Say You Are?

4 Comments / authenticity, joy, Wellness /

Sometimes you can find yourself running on autopilot, only to realize you’re living out a script that feels a few sizes too small. I didn’t necessarily realize when this was happening to me. I just knew that I wasn’t happy. I was irritable and crabby and it felt like I was living someone else’s life. Truthfully I was mad at everyone else when the problem was really me. I was changing and the activities I was used to and the things that had traditionally soothed me were no longer working. In short I had outgrown my life, but I was clinging to that too tight uncomfortable life with a vise grip. I am not alone, it’s a common thing. Let me explain. Sometimes, we cling to old roles that don’t reflect who we are currently and we look around and think that the problem is everything and everyone but the person we see in the mirror. To change my too tight uncomfortable life, I did a drastic thing. I packed up and moved to a new state to start over alone. To be clear, you don’t have to be that drastic. You could start by updating our self-perceptions and truly embracing your most authentic self. It’s less expensive, but not necessarily easier. Update Your Identity Narrative To do this we have to agree on a truth and that is: our identities are not set in stone—they morph and grow just as we do physically. But often, we hang onto past versions of ourselves like we hold on to those clothes that no longer fit or are worn out because it’s familiar. I’m not judging you, I get it. I am inviting you to update your identity so that you can align your perception of yourself with who you actually are now, not who you were in the past. For me, the part of my identity I had been clinging to was not positive (shocker). I was operating from a place of fear and letting it limit me. Here’s how my therapist led me through the transformative process: Practical Strategies for Embracing Your Current Identity So like we talked about, shedding outdated aspects of your identity and embracing the current version of yourself requires intentional action. And you know I won’t leave you hanging. Here are some practical strategies to help you if you decide to make this shift: Navigating Relationships with People Stuck in the Past It’s one thing to update your own view of yourself, but another to deal with people who only see the outdated version of you. Now I am channeling all the good in me to write this part because these folks can be hella annoying and my first inclination is to shut down and stop engaging. But thankfully a part of my evolution has included being more gracious. So these strategies I am sharing below are ones that have worked for the new version of me. Here’s my advice on how to handle those who might not yet recognize the person you’ve become. Please feel free to choose what you like and leave the rest. Wrap-Up Ok, so we are at the end of another post inspired by my chats with my therapist. Who do you say you are? This was a powerful question ior me because it forced me to reflect on what was old, what was current, and how I was using outdated narratives and evidence to define myself. So here is my invitation to you – join me on this journey to shed old layers and celebrate the person you’ve become. Think of it as honoring your current self and making space for continued growth and new possibilities. Talk back to me. What aspects of your identity have changed recently? Share your experiences with me, or someone you love. Your story could be the spark that someone else needs. Let’s support each other in embracing our true, updated selves. I can honestly say that this work has helped me discover true joy and look forward to who I am becoming!

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When “No” Stings

authenticity, Wellness /

Using Mental Fitness to Counteract Rejection Rejection. Ugghhhh, Just hearing the word can make your heart sink a little, right? It’s that annoying part of life that none of us can avoid, no matter how much we want to, and unless we plan on living as hermits, at some point no is inevitable. I used to be so terrified of no that I wouldn’t even try for things. But here is what I’ve learned, rejection isn’t the end of the road. In fact, it’s often just the beginning of a new, exciting path. Alright so let’s get into it. Let’s talk about how to handle rejection with grace, a bit of humor, and a whole lot of mental fitness. Rejection: It’s Not Personal First things first, let’s address the elephant in the room: rejection feels incredibly personal. But, research shows that most of the time, it’s not even about you. A study conducted by the University of California, Berkeley found that rejection is frequently influenced by factors beyond an individual’s control, such as organizational constraints, market conditions, or subjective preferences of decision-makers. What that means in plain English, is that most of the time people aren’t rejecting you the human. And even when they are rejecting you the human, it’s generally more about them than it is about you. Practicing mental fitness helps you to not only understand this, but to detach your self-worth from the “no”. In other words someone telling you no does not mean you are not worthy of the yes. You just can’t get it from them right now. No Doesn’t Have To Define You I know you are probably thinking it’s really easy to say that in an abstract context. I knew you would, so let’s look at three real life examples of folks who didn’t let no define or stop them from being their fullest and most authentic selves. Let’s start with the track star Sha’Carri Richardson. When Rejection Stings Rejection can sometimes sting and sometimes it can feel like you have been impaled by a stake. And I am not here to tell you how to feel or even what to feel. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but don’t park there. Don’t make the no your garage. There are steps you can take to move past the hurt in productive way. Last Word Ok so the point is, rejection is tough, but it’s not the end. It’s a stepping stone to something greater. So, the next time you face a “no,” learn from it, and keep moving forward. You’re not alone in this journey, we all face that no at some point in our lives. My goal is to help one million women to improve their mental fitness. I would love your help with that. If you found this post helpful – like, share, and subscribe to my blog to stay connected and inspired. If you or someone else needs to recover your joy and purpose, check out my judgement free coaching options. And finally I would love it if you follow me on Instagram for more uplifting content. Stay strong, stay positive, and keep chasing your dreams! Sources:

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Committee in My Head

Wellness /

You probably read this title and had some reaction that had you questioning my sanity. I mean is there another way to think of someone who openly admits to having a committee in their head? But in this post I will introduce you to the committee in my head and then invite you to introduce me to yours. I promise you two things, (1) I am relatively sane, and (2) you also have a committee in your head. You may not refer to them as a committee, but I would be willing to bet serious money that they exist. Alright, let’s go. Oh and by the way, no judging me or my committee members and I won’t judge yours either. Meet My Protective Posse In my head there are several ‘people’ who have taken up residence over the years. To be clear they live rent free and for the most part and stroll around and share their unsolicited opinions like they own the place. Let me introduce some of them. There are other protectors that live in my head but they don’t come out to play as often. There is Restless Rhonda who is always looking for the next goal or challenge. She plays well with Odette. Then there is Doting Dolores who is a total people pleaser. She plays nice with Paula because when people don’t reciprocate Paula holds a pity party for me. And there is Overbearing Orla. She gets along well with Judith because she convinces me that if everyone would just do things my way then the world would be a better place. Ummm no judging – remember? Now, this posse aren’t the only tenants in my head. I’ve got a whole team of thrivers in there too. They’re the ones who talk some sense into the overprotective ones and convince them it’s time to chill out. Don’t get me wrong, the protectors did their job back in the day when I needed them. I probably wouldn’t have the degrees or career I have without them, so I give them props for that. But, for the most part I’ve outgrown their services. So, I’ve had to master the art of acknowledging their hard work and finding new work for them to do. They’re a sneaky bunch, though. Every time I think they’ve packed up and gone on to their new roles, they find their way back to their old desks and set up shop. The good news is, I’m the boss and so every time they sneak in, me my team of thrivers help me to give them a melatonin and have them take a seat. If I haven’t freaked you out yet, next week I will introduce you to my thrivers and tell you how they help me. In the meantime, tell me what you think. Who is on the committee in your head? Have you named them? If you aren’t sure about who they here is a great resource to help you identify them – Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine. Here is the important thing to know, the protectors in your head don’t mean you harm. Chances are they have protected you and kept you safe at some important points of your life so don’t demonize them. And the committee in your head doesn’t have to be limited to your protectors, you can invite some thrivers in there too so that you can live your best life. I hope you no longer think I am left of center, and if you do that’s fine, all I ask is that you think it quietly. Whatever you think, Judith has probably already said. But if you can relate to this, talk back to me in the comments or on Instagram. What resonates? By the way if you are reading this and you think it will help someone else, drop a like and pass it on. Ultimately my goal is get us to a place of peace so that we all can find our version of chocolate serenity. Talk soon. Don’t forget to hit the subscribe button.

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Stop Focusing on Other People’s…

4 Comments / authenticity /

… I know. I know. It’s hard. But I got you. I just celebrated my 53rd birthday so I made you a list of 53ish things you can do instead. Feel free to borrow my list or make one of your own. But please, unsubscribe from other people’s opinions. It will never lead to your serenity. 53ish Things To Do Instead Oh and by the way just cause you are unsubscribing it doesn’t mean other people will stop sharing their opinions. Go ahead and pick a phrase you will use to respond to them that gives you peace. Mine is “Ok”. Here is how it works, Them: I don’t think you should do that. Me with a smile (while still living my life my way): Ok. Them: You don’t listen. Me still smiling: Ok Them: … (long suck teeth if they are from the Caribbean like me). Also them: walks away, changes the topic or gets quiet. Either way, I am still doing me, and this is the important part, with a smile. See you at the intersection of chocolate and serenity. Talk back to me in the comments or on Insta @chocolate.serenity. Let me know how you are unsubscribing from other people’s opinions.

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Cooking Up Confidence

2 Comments / Wellness /

I will cook my first solo Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Fear is what makes Thursday my first solo run. I guess even when I was young, deep inside of me there was a budding feminist. I was a quiet rebel. I refused to ‘learn’ how to cook or clean because those were the expectations of me. I didn’t find any joy in learning how to do something just because my future husband would require it of me. So I steered clear of the kitchen for as long as I could. But that was only part of the reason. The other part was that I was scared that I wouldn’t be good at it. My mother and grandmother were boss cooks. They made dishes by eyeballing and using a pinch of this and a dash of that. It was both fascinating intimidating. How would I ever be able to do that? I felt inadequate so I avoided it. Cause you know how older women are, they were always ‘trying to help’ me if showed interest in making something. but their directions were confusing. “Add more salt,” they would say. “How much I would ask?”. I was looking for a precise answer. Something that I could measure. But bless their hearts, they would always say something like, “Just a dash.” What in the world was a dash, to me, a novice in the kitchen? It didn’t make sense. And so I quit early in life. I decided that cooking was one of those mysteries I would never unlock. And I went back to my books. Books never confused me. But then one day I realized that because I was a strong reader, I could follow a recipe. And slowly but surely I tried things on my own, never when my well meaning mother was around (my grandmother had passed by then) because she was good at cooking, but not necessarily good at teaching me in a way that worked for me. I tried cooking (using recipes) on my own, in the safety of my own kitchen. It was exhilarating. I loved the precise measurements and clear directions of a recipe. I could follow the directions and end up with something delicious. And the more comfortable I became with making a particular dish, the more I would experiment with new herbs, spices and ingredients. I began to enjoy cooking because I learned it in a way that made sense to me. I will likely never be a gourmet chef, but I can cook. I write those words with confidence. I am sure of it now. I can and do cook regularly. And I enjoy it. I will cook my first solo Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday confidently. I am not a boss cook like my mom. My sister is the new boss cook in the family, but I can hold my own. I learned that cooking was like everything else I wanted to learn in life. I read up about it, I practiced, I made mistakes, I gave myself feedback and got feedback from others, and tried and tried again. Eventually I got to a place where I felt confident, even though I still don’t know what a pinch is, or what a dash is. I use tools to measure things out, I don’t go from memory or instinct. I like the comfort of using precise measurements to get a consistent outcome, and learning new ways to make old favorites. And since I love learning cooking has become fun. I have applied my lessons learned from cooking to my life. I try not to let fear or frustration hold me back from learning new things. I know the way I learn and I use that to help me add new skills to my toolbox. Just like I literally cooked my way to confidence, I learn my way through new things.

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Centering Self

Wellness /

Prior to the pandemic I was really worried about the grind culture we were living amidst. It seemed like happiness was an elusive concept, especially for people of color. It was like we didn’t feel we had the latitude to pursue joy, and we actually celebrated overworking ourselves. I was honestly worried. Mental health and wellness had just started to be prioritized but it had not taken center stage pre-pandemic. Grinding – working ourselves at unhealthy paces and levels – in hopes that our work ethic would counteract the racist tropes about us is exhausting, and unproductive. Lately I have become more hopeful. Let me tell you why. I hear people of color talking more about pursuing peace more often than grinding themselves into the ground. I see black and brown people opting out more often, and prioritizing their own well-being as opposed to opting in to other people’s opinions of them. I see traditionally marginalized people seeking work life balance and centering themselves more than over working and over booking themselves, even if it means shifting jobs or careers. I see and hear people of Latinx and black diasporas naming joy as a goal more than ever before. I am definitely celebrating this trend towards wellness, especially for people who look like me. Its refreshing to see us give ourselves permission to center us. Even though we always knew it was important, we are now organizing our lives so that we can connect to self. I see more brown people working out, eating better, and politely declining so they can rest. And I am overjoyed. I hope that this trend continues and we don’t lose the importance of centering our focus on our own health and wellness. I am glad because it pays dividends for us and it is setting the next generation up nicely. I see the younger generation naming when they are tired and taking the opportunity to pause, instead of pushing themselves relentlessly. I see them shrinking their circles to prioritize authentic relationships and being kinder to themselves and investing less in validation from others. I see them making the connections between their wellness and the wellness of the community. I see them identifying and avoiding toxic behaviors. It’s refreshing. This trend of black and brown people prioritizing self-care means we are making space to connect to self and work towards a healthier life. It makes me smile. People say we are our ancestors wildest dreams, I think wellness honors all their sacrifices and takes us one step closer to mental freedom.

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