boundaries

Why Saying No Can Break Your Heart (Before It Sets You Free)

1 Comment / mindset /

Everyone says “no” is a complete sentence.And technically, it is. But what they don’t always say—at least not honestly—is what happens after that sentence lands.What it costs. What it shakes loose. What it breaks open. And just so we\’re clear no isn’t always a sentence.Sometimes it’s a pause, a boundary, the decision to stop explaining your exhaustion and start honoring it.Sometimes it shows up in your calendar, in the people you stop chasing, and in the peace you stop apologizing for. And all of that is hard. Some folks shout about boundaries with so much bravado, you’d think it was easylike skipping a song you don’t like. But for me, no has often come with a quiet, unmourned grief.Not because I regret it. But because saying no to others sometimes meant saying goodbye to the version of me they validated most. There’s a particular ache that comes when you start saying no. Not the loud kind. Not the dramatic kind.It’s the kind that sneaks up on you in the stillness—after you’ve drawn a boundary, closed the laptop, silenced the phone, and finally chosen yourself. It should feel like freedom. And sometimes it does. But sometimes… especially when the stakes are high, it feels like grief. I know that grief.The quiet kind that shows up when you stop being the version of yourself other people counted on at your expense. The dependable one.The strong one.The one who always picked up the phone.Who always came through.Who always made it look easy—even when it wasn’t. I didn’t become her by accident. I became her because I learned early that being helpful made me lovable.That being needed made me necessary.That being the go-to girl—the fixer, the helper, the strong friend—was how I stayed close to people who didn’t always know how to love me unless I was performing.And the love I received?It was conditional—rooted in what I could do, not in who I was.But my soul was never asking to be useful.It was asking to be loved for simply being me. So I got good at disappearing into other people\’s needs and expectations.I said yes before I had time to feel the no.I let their praise become my proof of worth. And the scary part?I didn’t know I was doing it.I just thought I was being good. Being strong. Being kind. But when I started saying no—when I finally started choosing peace over performance—I felt the shift. Some people pulled away.Others stayed close, but changed.And a few? They never stopped being angry. That surprised me. I thought they’d come around. That they’d see this new version of me—more whole, more honest—and understand that I needed this.But some folks only knew how to love the version of me that made their lives easier. And when she left the room, so did their warmth. That’s when the grief set in. Not just for the relationships that shifted, but for the role I had mastered. The version of me who was always available, always saying yes, always making it work. I missed her sometimes—not because I wanted her life,but because she was validated. She was needed. She was praised. She was rewarded for disappearing. And I didn’t realize how much of my identity had been tied to that until I started stepping back. When most of your people are used to the version of you that overextends, your boundaries can feel like betrayal. Even if you’re still there – still being kind but also trying to breathe. They don’t always see the difference between self-honoring and rejection. And honestly? There were moments that made me question myself. Am I being too cold now?Too unavailable?Too distant? But in the depths of my soul , I knew: I wasn’t being unkind. I was just… being honest. And for someone who had learned to survive through sacrifice, that honesty felt dangerous. I didn’t move through it like they show in the movies.There was no one clear moment when I realized I needed to change, no sweeping scene where I chose myself and never looked back. It was clumsy. It looked like me insisting, even when they asked me to reconsider. It was saying no—again and again—to the chorus of “please,” while my body screamed to make it easier.It was knowing I’d just changed how they saw me—and still not taking it back. It was the sting of being called “mean” by people who had mistaken my overextension for love.It was being cast as the one who “didn\’t care,” when what I was really doing was crawling my way back to myself. I didn’t want to be the bad guy, the one who changed the dynamic. I didn’t want to be met with hurt, silence, or distance. But I had to become her. Because staying the same meant staying in patterns that were quietly hurting me. It meant continuing to betray myself in order to be celebrated by people who only loved the version of me that didn’t need anything in return. And in some ways, I’m still in it. Learning how to sit with the grief that comes from not being the over giver. Noticing the sting when I show up for me and it goes unacknowledged by people who were used to a different version of me. Still feeling that quiet ache when the text goes unanswered… when the invitation doesn’t come… when the care I used to offer so freely isn’t mirrored back. There are days when I feel strong.And there are days when I feel selfish.Both are true. But underneath it all, I’m starting to find me. Not the performance and definitely not the version that got the praise.Me. And the more I find her, the more I realize that wholeness doesn’t always feel good in the moment. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s lonely.Sometimes it feels like choosing the long road when the shortcut is right there. But it’s mine. And even in the ache, I know I’m getting closer to a life I don’t have

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The Other Side of Betrayal

2 Comments / Wellness /

Burning Bridges, Feeling It All, and Choosing Me Anyway Last week, I didn’t blog.Not because I didn’t have something to say—But because I was living something that needed my full attention. The betrayal?It wasn’t messy.It was quiet. Calculated. Deep. The kind that cuts cleaner than any argument ever could.The kind that demands a decision:Stay silent and pretend… or stand up and protect your peace. I chose me. I said everything that needed to be said—Clear. Direct. Without apology.I didn’t just burn the bridge—I burned it to the ground.I watched it burn with fire in my chest and rage in my heart—because sometimes, that’s what self-respect requires. And when there was nothing left but ash—I walked away. Not untouched.Not unaffected.But still standing.Still proud.Still me. What I Learned While It Burned Yes, it hurt. Yes, there were tears.Grief wrapped itself around my heart some days tighter than others.But even through the ache, I never doubted the decision. Because grief and clarity can exist at the same time.You can mourn what you lost and still know you’re better for losing it. Every tear was cleansing.Every ache was proof of how much I had grown. And now?On the other side? I’m lighter.I’m prouder.I’m walking taller because I didn’t shrink to make anyone else comfortable. Burning that bridge wasn’t just necessary. It was sacred. Because I’ve Done the Inner Work, I Knew This Wasn’t About Me There was a time when betrayal would have sent me spiraling into self-blame.Second-guessing my kindness. Replaying every conversation. Wondering what I could have done differently. But not anymore. I’ve done the real work—the late nights, the therapy sessions, the hard journaling, the forgiveness (of myself first). And because of that, when betrayal came knocking, I didn’t open the door to shame. I recognized the betrayal for what it was:A reflection of their limitations—not mine. I saw who they moved on to, and instead of feeling jealous, I felt clear:I could never be her again.I could never unsee my own growth.I could never contort myself back into the version of me that once accepted less. No judgment, no bitterness—just gratitude for how far I’ve come. Let me be clear about something—I’m not sorry that I opened my heart.I’m not sorry that I trusted, that I believed, that I gave love room to grow. That wasn’t my failure.That was my courage on full display. Because loving fully, even in a world that doesn’t always honor it, is never wrong.It’s powerful.It’s beautiful.And it’s still who I am—betrayal or not. They may have mishandled my heart.But they never broke it. Because the parts of me that chose love?They are still intact.They are still strong.And they are still mine. The Truth About Letting Go: It Hurts, But It Heals Letting go stripped away every illusion I had left.It forced me to confront the parts of myself that still wanted to hope, still wanted to fix. And it showed me something deeper:I no longer needed to cling to anything—or anyone—to be whole. The pain was real.The heartbreak was sharp. But the pride I feel now?It’s heavier than the hurt ever was. And the peace on the other side?It’s the kind of peace you don’t borrow from anyone else.It’s the kind you build with your own two hands. 💬 I Almost Didn’t Share This I almost kept this story tucked away. Because it’s tempting to only share the highlight reel.It’s tempting to only show the healing, not the burning that came before it. But I’m not here to perform.I’m here to be real. I’m not telling this story for sympathy or applause.I’m telling it because protecting your peace will cost you comfort—and you need to know it’s still worth every inch of the journey. If you are standing in front of your own burning bridge right now—If you are wondering if you’re allowed to be heartbroken and still walk away—Let me tell you: You are. And you must. 🖤 Here’s What I Know For Sure You weren’t made to fold yourself into spaces that can’t hold your light.You weren’t made to beg for respect or love.You weren’t made to stay small just because someone else’s vision of you was. Your time is sacred.Your peace is priceless.Your future is too beautiful to let insecure, undeserving hands leave their fingerprints on it. Burn the bridge if you must.Grieve if you must.Cry if you must. And then—Stand taller. Walk freer. Live louder. You deserve the kind of life you don’t have to shrink to survive. P.S.If you’ve ever burned the bridge, sat in the smoke, wiped your tears, and still chose yourself—drop a 🔥 in the comments.This is for us.The ones who didn’t just survive betrayal—we outgrew it.

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The Self-Love Reset: Hard—But Sooo Worth It

1 Comment / authenticity, mindset, self-sovereignty, Wellness /

Have you ever made a decision that’s for you—and immediately felt guilty about it? I know I’m not the only one. Maybe you finally said no to something that drained you, took yourself out to dinner instead of waiting for an invite, or enforced a boundary that should’ve been a given… and suddenly, you’re questioning yourself. Am I being selfish?Am I being difficult?Will they be mad at me? Choosing yourself sounds amazing and energizing in theory, but when you actually start doing it? Whew. It can feel strange, uncomfortable, even lonely. Like you’re going against the grain of who you’ve always been. But let me tell you something—just because it feels unfamiliar doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means it’s new. And new is where the magic happens. If you’ve spent years saying yes when you wanted to say no, of course saying no is going to feel unnatural.If you’ve spent forever filling your schedule to avoid silence, of course sitting in stillness will feel uncomfortable.If you’ve spent your whole life making decisions based on what others want, of course choosing you will feel foreign. But discomfort is not a stop sign—it’s a sign you’re growing. And that’s exactly what the Self-Love Reset is all about. It’s not just a challenge—it’s a shake-up. A way to put yourself back at the top of your priority list and start making choices that serve you. It won’t always feel easy, and it won’t always feel natural, but every step is designed to help you shift into the next level of your life—one that’s centered on you, your joy, and your well-being. So let’s get into it: Seven days. Seven shifts. And a whole lot of self-love. Here’s what you can expect (and how to push through the parts that feel uncomfortable). What the Self-Love Reset Actually Feels Like (Not the Instagram Version) ✅ Day 8: Taking Yourself Out Solo 📍 What it feels like: You walk into a restaurant, ask for a table for one, and immediately feel seen—but not in a good way. Your mind starts telling you that everyone is watching, wondering why you’re alone. You might feel tempted to stay glued to your phone, rush through your meal, or abandon the whole thing altogether. ✨ Why it’s worth it: The moment you stop overthinking and actually settle in? You realize—Wait, I actually enjoy my own company. You order what you want, take in your surroundings, and soak in the peace of being with yourself. The more you do it, the more you realize that you were never the problem—your fear of judgment was. 💡 Pro Tip: Bring a journal or a book to ease any initial awkwardness, but challenge yourself to put your phone away and be fully present in the experience. ✅ Day 9: Saying No Without an Explanation 📍 What it feels like: You type “no” and immediately your fingers itch to soften it: I’m so sorry, I can’t because… You think about how they’ll take it, how you might disappoint them, how you could maybe squeeze it in if you really tried. Saying no feels like breaking an unspoken agreement you never actually agreed to. ✨ Why it’s worth it: The first time you say no and don’t over-explain? It feels like freedom. The more you do it, the more you realize that people adjust. And the ones who don’t? They were benefiting from your lack of boundaries, not your presence. 💡 Pro Tip: If you struggle with saying no, start with low-stakes situations (ex: declining an event invite). Once you get used to the feeling, work your way up to bigger things. ✅ Day 10: Writing a Letter to Your Future Self 📍 What it feels like: Weirdly vulnerable. You sit there, pen in hand, and suddenly feel like you don’t know yourself at all. What do you even say? It feels silly, awkward, like something from a self-help book that isn’t meant for you. ✨ Why it’s worth it: You push through, and something shifts. You start imagining who you want to be. You put words to dreams you barely admit out loud. Months from now, when you read it back, you’ll see how far you’ve come—and that moment? It’s priceless. 💡 Pro Tip: Seal the letter in an envelope and write “Do Not Open Until [Date].” Having a set time to revisit it makes the transformation even more powerful. ✅ Day 11: Making Decisions Based on What You Want 📍 What it feels like: Guilt. So much guilt. You hesitate, second-guess, and wonder if you’re making a mistake by putting yourself first. The voices of other people’s expectations are loud, and choosing differently feels like rebellion. ✨ Why it’s worth it: Then you do it, and nothing bad happens. The world keeps spinning. And you realize how many of your choices were about pleasing others rather than honoring yourself. The first time you choose you, it feels weird. The second time? A little easier. The hundredth time? Non-negotiable. 💡 Pro Tip: If you’re struggling, ask yourself: If no one else had an opinion, what would I choose? Your answer is your truth. ✅ Day 12: Starting Your Day with Music That Makes You Feel Unstoppable 📍 What it feels like: Simple, right? But then you realize how much you’ve been letting other things—emails, social media, stress—set the tone for your day. ✨ Why it’s worth it: One small shift can change everything. When you start your day with music that lifts your energy, you move differently. You show up differently. And that energy carries into every single thing you do. 💡 Pro Tip: Make a playlist called “Main Character Energy” and let it be your go-to for confidence boosts. ✅ Day 13: Creating & Enforcing a New Boundary 📍 What it feels like: Heavy. You know someone’s not going to like it. You anticipate the pushback, the questions, the subtle guilt-tripping. You feel responsible for their reaction, even though logically, you know you

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The Cost of Speaking Your Truth

Wellness /

Welcome to 2025—the year we reclaim our power and stand unapologetically in our truth. Gone are the days of dimming our light to make others comfortable. This year, it’s all about embracing self-sovereignty and speaking our truth, even when it shakes the room. But let’s be real: speaking your truth isn’t always met with open arms. I remember sitting in a training where we were urged to “bring our whole selves to work” and “speak truth to power.” But when I did just that, I was met with frustration disguised as feedback. It was clear they wanted conformity, not authenticity. Let’s be clear: Speaking your truth is a vital part of self-sovereignty. It might not always be welcomed, but staying true to yourself means expressing your authentic perspective, even when it’s not the popular choice. So while other people are busy ditching their new year’s resolutions, we are standing ten toes down in our self sovereignty and that means dealing with the discomfort of speaking your truth. Let’s get into it. Truth vs. Opinion—Gather Your Receipts First Before we go any further, let’s make an important distinction: Truth is rooted in facts. Opinions are rooted in feelings. Speaking your truth is not about forcing your personal perspective onto others—it’s about standing on solid ground, with receipts to back it up. There’s a difference between saying: 🚫 “I don’t like this decision.” (Opinion)✅ “This decision disproportionately affects certain groups, and here’s the data to prove it.” (Truth) The key? Speak with clarity, not just conviction. And for the love of all that is good and peaceful don’t confuse your opinion for fact. That’s how you end up giving people terrible feedback based solely on your opinion and your poor understanding of situations. Also, be mindful of offering unsolicited truth. Sometimes, the reason you weren’t asked is because people don’t want to know the truth. Not every space is ready for honesty, and not every conversation is an invitation to educate. Instead of pushing my perspective where it’s not wanted, I choose to ask clarifying questions—not to challenge, but to better understand. This keeps the conversation open rather than defensive and allows me to gauge if my truth is actually welcome or if my energy is better spent elsewhere. Because honey, if they like it who am I to waste my energy trying to convince them other wise. There are times when I intentionally choose my happiness over being right. Because the bottom line is that I am still going to be right whether I say it out loud or not. So, now that we have laid some ground rules, let’s talk about what to do when your truth is met with resistance; when your courage is repaid with pushback, silence, or even retaliation. How to Keep Speaking Your Truth—Without Losing Yourself 1. Come With Facts, Not Just Feelings If you’re going to challenge the status quo, do your homework. Feelings are valid, but facts are powerful. Check your sources, gather evidence, and anticipate counterarguments so that your truth stands firm. 💡 Power Move: Before speaking, ask yourself:✔ Do I have evidence to back this up?✔ Am I sharing facts or just frustrations?✔ Is my delivery clear and compelling? 2. Expect Resistance—But Don’t Let It Stop You Not everyone is ready for the truth, and some folks will act like your honesty is a personal attack. Let me say this again for the people in the back. Not everyone can handle the truth; some folks act like your honesty is a personal attack. As Plato said, “No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.” And I know this is hard to remember in the moment but that’s their issue, not yours. Their discomfort does not mean you’re wrong. 💡 Power Move: When you receive pushback, pause and ask, “Are we discussing my delivery or my truth?” Redirect the focus back to the substance, not the style. 3. Keep It Clear, Not Cruel Truth-telling is about integrity, not aggression. Being direct is fine—being reckless isn’t. You can be direct without being hurtful. 💡 Power Move: Before speaking, ask yourself, “Am I here to make a point or to make progress?” Let clarity, not frustration, choose your words. 4. Know When to Push and When to Pivot Some fights are worth having. Others? Not so much You don’t have to argue with people committed to misunderstanding you. Choose your battles wisely. 💡 Power Move: Ask yourself, “Is this a real conversation or just a performance?” If it’s the latter, disengage and move on. 5. Find the Right Rooms If the spaces you’re in only welcome your truth when it’s convenient, you might be in the wrong rooms. Surround yourself with people who value authenticity, not compliance. 💡 Power Move: Build relationships with like-minded truth-tellers. The right community will remind you that your voice matters. 6. Stay Rooted in Your Why At the end of the day, you don’t speak up for applause—you speak up because it’s who you are. Stay aligned with your values, even when it’s inconvenient. 💡 Power Move: When doubt creeps in, remind yourself: “I’d rather be respected for my honesty than liked for my silence.” Your Truth Is a Superpower—Use It Wisely Speaking your truth can be isolating, believe me I know. When the push back comes, it can shake your confidence, and have you questioning your words, and even wondering if staying quiet would have been easier. But for me silence is never the solution when my integrity is on the line. Only you can decide for you. When in doubt try the following: So, be encouraged. Self-sovereignty is about standing in your power and making the choices that are right for you. When it is right for you, keep speaking up. Keep standing firm. And when they try to silence you, let the truth be your guide. 🔥 If you’ve ever been shut down for speaking up, drop a 🔥 in the comments. Your

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How Looking Within for Validation Helps You Become Your Best Self

5 Comments / mindset /

When You’re Your Best Self, Safety Starts Within Let me tell you about a little gem of wisdom I got from my coach today. Now, you already know my memory isn’t the best, but her words hit so hard that even I couldn’t forget them. She said, “When you’re the best version of yourself, you look within for your safety.” And y’all, when I tell you I needed to hear that? It was like a pressure release valve. Let me paint the scene for you: she started breaking it down, explaining why in those moments when I feel like I need external validation (you know, when you’re hoping someone will say, *“You did a great job!” or “You’re so amazing!”), what I really need is to sit still and care for myself. Oof. Which one of us hasn’t gotten tired of being our own cheerleader? Sometimes you just want someone else to wave a pom-pom or throw a little confetti for all the hard work you’re doing. And that’s normal—it’s human! But my coach hit me with the truth bomb: those moments when I’m craving external validation? That’s just my inner self waving her little flag, letting me know it’s time for me to love on me. Why This Hit Me So Hard Here’s the thing: when you’re on a journey to be your best self, it’s easy to get caught up in looking for outside approval. Whether it’s from a partner, a boss, or even your followers on social media, we all want that little nod that says, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie!” But here’s the problem—when you rely on others for that safety and validation, it’s like building a house on sand. If the applause stops or the compliments don’t come, what happens then? You’re left questioning yourself, and that’s no way to live. What my coach reminded me is that real safety—the kind that lasts—isn’t external. It’s internal. It comes from showing up for yourself, even when it feels hard, and being the kind of person who can say, “I see you. I love you. You’re doing great.” When Your Inner Self Calls, Answer Her The next time you catch yourself scrolling through your texts to see if someone acknowledged your efforts, or replaying a conversation hoping they’ll say you did a good job—pause. That’s your inner self whispering, “Hey, it’s me. I need you right now.” Here’s what you can do instead: When you do this, you’re telling yourself, “I’ve got you.” And let me tell you, that’s the most powerful thing you can ever say to yourself. The Beauty of Looking Within Being your best self isn’t about being perfect or never needing a little encouragement. It’s about knowing that at the end of the day, you can always return to you. When you’re able to look within for safety, love, and validation, the rest of the world becomes a bonus—not a requirement. So, the next time you feel like you need external validation, remember: it’s just your inner self asking for a little love. Show up for her. She’s been cheering for you all along. If this message resonates with you and you’re ready to deepen your self-love journey, join us at Chocolate Serenity. Through coaching, retreats, and community, we’re here to help you build a life rooted in joy, peace, and unwavering confidence. Your best self is waiting. Are you ready to meet her? And hey don’t keep this a secret, like, share, comment, follow. The only way we all grow is if we give each other a hand.

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Who Do You Say You Are?

4 Comments / authenticity, joy, Wellness /

Sometimes you can find yourself running on autopilot, only to realize you’re living out a script that feels a few sizes too small. I didn’t necessarily realize when this was happening to me. I just knew that I wasn’t happy. I was irritable and crabby and it felt like I was living someone else’s life. Truthfully I was mad at everyone else when the problem was really me. I was changing and the activities I was used to and the things that had traditionally soothed me were no longer working. In short I had outgrown my life, but I was clinging to that too tight uncomfortable life with a vise grip. I am not alone, it’s a common thing. Let me explain. Sometimes, we cling to old roles that don’t reflect who we are currently and we look around and think that the problem is everything and everyone but the person we see in the mirror. To change my too tight uncomfortable life, I did a drastic thing. I packed up and moved to a new state to start over alone. To be clear, you don’t have to be that drastic. You could start by updating our self-perceptions and truly embracing your most authentic self. It’s less expensive, but not necessarily easier. Update Your Identity Narrative To do this we have to agree on a truth and that is: our identities are not set in stone—they morph and grow just as we do physically. But often, we hang onto past versions of ourselves like we hold on to those clothes that no longer fit or are worn out because it’s familiar. I’m not judging you, I get it. I am inviting you to update your identity so that you can align your perception of yourself with who you actually are now, not who you were in the past. For me, the part of my identity I had been clinging to was not positive (shocker). I was operating from a place of fear and letting it limit me. Here’s how my therapist led me through the transformative process: Practical Strategies for Embracing Your Current Identity So like we talked about, shedding outdated aspects of your identity and embracing the current version of yourself requires intentional action. And you know I won’t leave you hanging. Here are some practical strategies to help you if you decide to make this shift: Navigating Relationships with People Stuck in the Past It’s one thing to update your own view of yourself, but another to deal with people who only see the outdated version of you. Now I am channeling all the good in me to write this part because these folks can be hella annoying and my first inclination is to shut down and stop engaging. But thankfully a part of my evolution has included being more gracious. So these strategies I am sharing below are ones that have worked for the new version of me. Here’s my advice on how to handle those who might not yet recognize the person you’ve become. Please feel free to choose what you like and leave the rest. Wrap-Up Ok, so we are at the end of another post inspired by my chats with my therapist. Who do you say you are? This was a powerful question ior me because it forced me to reflect on what was old, what was current, and how I was using outdated narratives and evidence to define myself. So here is my invitation to you – join me on this journey to shed old layers and celebrate the person you’ve become. Think of it as honoring your current self and making space for continued growth and new possibilities. Talk back to me. What aspects of your identity have changed recently? Share your experiences with me, or someone you love. Your story could be the spark that someone else needs. Let’s support each other in embracing our true, updated selves. I can honestly say that this work has helped me discover true joy and look forward to who I am becoming!

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Stop Focusing on Other People’s…

4 Comments / authenticity /

… I know. I know. It’s hard. But I got you. I just celebrated my 53rd birthday so I made you a list of 53ish things you can do instead. Feel free to borrow my list or make one of your own. But please, unsubscribe from other people’s opinions. It will never lead to your serenity. 53ish Things To Do Instead Oh and by the way just cause you are unsubscribing it doesn’t mean other people will stop sharing their opinions. Go ahead and pick a phrase you will use to respond to them that gives you peace. Mine is “Ok”. Here is how it works, Them: I don’t think you should do that. Me with a smile (while still living my life my way): Ok. Them: You don’t listen. Me still smiling: Ok Them: … (long suck teeth if they are from the Caribbean like me). Also them: walks away, changes the topic or gets quiet. Either way, I am still doing me, and this is the important part, with a smile. See you at the intersection of chocolate and serenity. Talk back to me in the comments or on Insta @chocolate.serenity. Let me know how you are unsubscribing from other people’s opinions.

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Contributing Your Voice

Wellness /

In the same way that silence can be a gift, lending your voice as an advocate for causes can also be a gift. Whether you are advocating for your self, advocating on behalf of another individual, or advocating for a systemic change, lending your voice can be a powerful gift. Just like there are times when it is inappropriate to share your thoughts on other people’s decisions, there are also times when it is dangerous to remain silent. I would never advocate for anyone holding their tongue when their boundaries are being crossed unless it is unsafe for them to speak up. My sister jokes that I stay ready, but what is more accurate is that I understand that if you don’t nip things in the bud when they are small, they can become unmanageable. So in most situations, I lend folks my voice so that they understand what I will accept and what I will not. And if I tell them more than twice and it doesn’t change, I gift them my silence. Life is entirely too short for me to have to repeat myself more than twice. Unless a person is incapable of understanding, more than two explanations should be enough in my opinion. Unless the person has a medical condition that renders them incapable of adjusting, I believe repetitive behavior is a choice. And I won’t tolerate choices that harm me. You have two chances to fix it, and then I adjust, because you either can’t or won’t. What I have come to understand is, sometimes speaking up for yourself can also result in change for others. I remember being in a psychology class in college and being thoroughly confused. I sat through the lecture a few times, and then one day in an act of pure frustration, I raised my hand and named my confusion. To my surprise a lot of other students echoed my confusion. Things changed for me that day, I stopped sitting around confused, if I didn’t understand I asked questions and most times others speak up after I do. Speaking up to protect your boundaries is a good way to contribute your voice. Advocating on behalf of others is also a good way to lend your voice. Again, be sure that your are safe when speaking up. But, there are times when giving the gift of your voice on behalf of others makes a huge difference. Here are a few times. Please speak up when folks are being racist, ableist, ageist, homophobic, xenophobic, anti-semtist, sexist. As a matter of fact, please speak up against all the dangerous -isms, I can’t list them all. Please speak up when folks are being abusive in any way. Don’t be fooled that physical abuse is the only harmful way to abuse – emotional abuse and verbal abuse are equally harmful. Please speak up when someone is being intimidating or hurtful. You may not be thanked by anyone, but that doesn’t make it a poor choice. The above plea goes whether the subjects of another person’s harm are women, men, children, the elderly, the disabled, the abled. Please speak up when you have the privilege and the power; when you have a seat at the table. Your voice is invaluable to those who don’t have access. Please speak up when you hurt another person. Apologies accompanied by change speak volumes. I always tell my children I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be better. I don’t want to collect a bag or sorries, most people don’t, what people want is for you to be change for the better so that you stop causing hurt. We all have to decide when we want to give our energy to causes. Although many folks will try to dictate for you how and when you should speak up and speak out, that is a personal choice. No one owns the moral high ground. But please remember that every time we are silent or make the choice to look away from an issue, someone pays the cost.

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The Gift of Silence

Wellness /

Silence can be a valuable and welcome gift. While we all have opinions and thoughts, unless asked directly, in most cases, it is best to keep them to ourselves when folks are making a decision for their lives. There are a few exceptions – if someone will be injured or will injure someone else, speaking up is probably best. But most of us will rarely, if ever, encounter someone who intends to endanger others. So that is the exception. And of course if their decision negatively impacts you. 99.9% of the time, offering your opinion or thoughts on someone’s life choices or decisions is not helpful. And as much as you want to share it, the other person probably doesn’t find it useful. You know that feeling you get when that outspoken older person asks you a question or points out a flaw for the entire room to hear? How you silently wish they would be quiet? That is what happens when you offer your unsolicited opinion. Sure the other person probably smiles and remains polite, but on the inside they are not invested in what you are saying. Trust me. There are some times when your opinion and thoughts are not only unwelcome, they are downright inappropriate. Here are a few times when you should consider the gift of silence. When you notice someone’s weight change – increased or decreased. Not your place to comment, if they want you to know they will raise the issue. When someone is eating. Unless they ask you, don’t comment on their food choice. Especially if you don’t like it or find it unappealing. And Lord, if they cooked it, please be quiet unless you have something positive to say. When someone is explaining a challenge they are experiencing. Trust me when I tell you they don’t want to hear about the similar thing that happened to you. Not the time. When someone begins dating a new person. Again, unless asked, ‘drink water and mind your business’. If asked be very thoughtful in your response; remember they chose this person for a reason and apart from a compelling reason of safety, silence may be the best choice. Other people’s child rearing. Rarely do folks want hear your thoughts on how they are raising their children. Unless it’s impacting you, give the gift of silence. Yes, “it takes a village to raise a child”, but it may take the strength of a village to hold your tongue. Young people’s choices in general. Don’t forget you probably did some strange things and made some odd choices when you were young too. Give them the space to make some choices of their own as long as its not harming them or anyone. I am sure I am missing a few but you get the general gist. Feel free to add more in the comments. I remember being taught by grandmother to stay quiet if I didn’t have anything nice to say. I don’t agree with that all the time. There are times when I don’t have nice things to say, and it is important that I say them, because folks are being harmful to me or someone else. But I apply it when it comes to my unsolicited opinions, if I don’t have an unsolicited nice thing to say, I stay quiet. The world is already a rough place no one needs another unnecessary negative thing to manage.

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