anxiety Archives - Chocolate Serenity

Shifting Our Perspectives

In one of my professional lives I trained teachers. One of the things I taught those teachers was the research behind practice. Depending on what type of lesson you are teaching it could take as many as twenty-four discrete practice opportunities for a student to demonstrate fluency with the skill, or at least three practice opportunities to acquire a set of information. The other thing the research shows is that the best time to correct an error during practice, is at the point that the error is made. So what is the point, right? Well when we are starting a new thing, it might be helpful to consider the first few times that we do that new thing our practice opportunities. And better yet, how nice would it be if we viewed other folks’ learning curve through that lens? Many of us are returning to traveling and gathering whether for work or pleasure. But we may have to, or choose to, do that in a new way. What if we shifted our perspective to consider those first few times practice opportunities? That might allow us to be gentler on ourselves and others. Don’t believe me, think about the first few times you made a new recipe, or drove a new route. Chances are your first try wasn’t your best try. You probably made some mistakes. But after a few tries, you probably were able to not only perfect the task or the route, but to add a few of your own touches to it. That is the benefit of practice, it allows you the grace to make mistakes in a psychologically safe space until you develop fluency with the task. And that kind of safety frees us emotionally. One of my therapists (yes I have had a few), taught me to view mistakes as evidence that I was learning something new. That was THE single most freeing thing I had heard up to that point. Prior to that I had an obsession with getting everything right on the first try. Somehow, I equated being smart and capable with never making mistakes. And I was miserable. Miserable to myself, miserable to others, miserable to be around. Because who can get everything right on the first try. I interpreted that as failure and punished myself for failing. It was not a fun time for me. Shifting my perspective to thinking of my first tries as practice has been revolutionary. I am more gracious with myself, more encouraging to others, more patient in general (which is a small miracle), less anxious, and more willing to try new things. Now, I don’t let me or anyone else force unrealistic expectations on me. The illusion of perfection was a prison for me. Embracing the reality of practice gave me wings to fly and fuel to help others soar. As you begin your next new thing, try it out. View the first few times you do the new thing as practice. Let me know how it works out.

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After The Storm

6 Comments / Wellness / 162831pwpadmin

Hurricane Ian has passed and left it’s mark. It has wiped out entire communities, ripped trees out of the ground, shut down highways and wrecked bridges and homes. The wounds it inflicted are not only physical. There are emotional wounds that may not yet be visible. Preparing for the storm, living through the storm and returning to the uncertainty of its impact in the aftermath has been stressful for me. Some of it feels familiar and some of it feels foreign. Similar to the way it has reshaped the landscape, Hurricane Ian has reshaped me. Living through a hurricane, I learned new things about myself. I had never been required to evacuate my home prior to a storm before. I had never left my home and wondered about the extent of damage I would face when I returned. I had never faced the prospect of my entire community being wiped out before. It was stressful before, during and after. My stress before the storm was related to making sure that everything we would absolutely need or want was with us. The truth is I took most of what I needed, and some of what I wanted, but it definitely wasn’t everything. How does one even make that call under stress? It was stressful during the storm because even though I was on higher ground I was still experiencing hurricane winds and rain. And truthfully, I couldn’t will myself to stop watching coverage of the storm. So there was a constant loop of information about its path and velocity that added to my stress. I am not sure that not watching would have been better. There was also the added stress of not knowing if or when power and by extension internet connectivity would be lost. So again, binging information about how the hurricane was unfolding felt important. The stress after the storm was two fold. The first dimension was making our way back home to uncertainty. Was home still intact? Was there damage? To compound the matter, traveling home was eerie. There was no water on the roads or trees blocking our path, but there was also no one else on what is normally a very busy highway but us. No one. On the car ride, no one verbalized the angst we were feeling, yet it was palpable. I had never driven up to my home and begun inspecting it from the outside before, albeit silently and what I hoped was inconspicuously. Walking to the door, opening the door, walking through our home inspecting it – all done while sort of holding my breath. Minor water damage was all we found. We could live with that. And just when I was about to exhale and celebrate, I remembered the folks directly impacted by Ian. They were not so lucky. How should I feel? Was it alright to be happy that we were spared while others were suffering? People in our own city are still without power days later. People further to our south lost their homes, jobs, cars, places of business and more. What is the appropriate emotion to feel when you have been spared and others are suffering? I don’t have answers. I am still processing this entire experience. I know will be expected to show up and be as I was before. I am not as I was before. The hurricane has reshaped me too. I am not sure that I am aware of all of the ways it has changed me. I am not sure that I ever will. Right now I am existing in the tension of gratitude and remorse. I am still standing, but like the tree above I have been changed. I am not qualifying the change as good or bad, it just is. It exists and I am acknowledging it.

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Insecurity Flare Ups

1 Comment / Wellness / 162831pwpadmin

I think this photo is beautiful. But it almost didn’t happen because of an insecurity flare up. Have you ever watched someone talk themselves out of an opportunity? What was your response? I ask not in judgement. But because it can be a hard balance to strike between encouraging someone and respecting their choices. On the one hand, maybe the person has legitimate reasons for not wanting to do the thing. On the other hand it could be that they are having an insecurity flare up. How do you know the difference? I call them insecurity flare ups because I am not consistently insecure, but there are moments when unhelpful internalized messages play in stereo in my head and I become unable to motivate myself to try. To be clear, I don’t know what insecurity flare ups feel like for other people. I can only speak for myself. When my insecurities are flaring they are strong enough to discourage me from things I know full well I can do. The tape recorder (Yes its a tape recorder. It is old and malfunctions but it refuses to die.) in my head some times gets stuck on a loop that convinces me I can’t. In those moments, it’s like I am drowning in doubt. My vision is clouded. My confidence is sapped. And all I legit want to do is stay in bed and cower. I have definitely missed out on a number of experiences because I have given in to insecurity flare ups. I don’t have many regrets, but I definitely regret those moments. So I had to learn how to put those flares out before they consumed me. Here are a few things that work for me. I have learned to ask myself if I will regret not trying. Usually the answer is yes, but there are a few times when it was no but those are other stories for other days. I also ask myself what I will need to get through it. Most times companionship works. At other times I need not just a companion but an accountability partner. At other times I need to be reminded of all that I have already been blessed to do, and the outcomes of prior attempts. The last thing I ask myself is what is the worst that could happen. And I have be really honest about the worst that could happen, not dream up some dramatic unlikelihood. Usually its dealing with some sort of rejection. And although I am not a master of rejection, I know for a fact it won’t kill me. Now I think I have previously shared that I only take mild – medium risks, so if the risk factor is too high I might decline. When I am able to answer those questions honestly, they act as an extinguisher for those flares. And I can usually peel back the covers and go do the thing that I was moments ago willing to not even try. When I witness folks I am connected with struggling with what I believe to be an insecurity flare up, my instinct is to jump in and fix it. And by fix it I mean be an encourager, tell them how dope they are, reassure them of their greatness. But I have learned that helping them to change their own mindset is more impactful. To be honest, encouraging right off rip doesn’t work for me, because in the midst of a flare up I won’t really believe anything I am told. Now I ask them my list of questions instead of jumping right into encouraging mode. If, and when, they identify what they will need, I support them in finding it or provide it myself if I can. It feels more honest and more authentic to do it this way. Supporting someone through an insecurity flare up could mean you may end up tagging along on their adventure. Sometimes those are fun, and other times you wonder why they even wanted to do that thing in the first place. But always you know that you are helping someone to get past a mental block that could, if given the oxygen, flare into a raging fire that precludes them from accomplishing their goals. I think these photos are beautiful. They almost didn’t happen. I shot them while supporting someone through a flare up.

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Intentional Curation

1 Comment / Wellness / 162831pwpadmin

Sunrise is always special to me. It heralds the beginning of a new day, new hope, new opportunities. I prefer to start the new day with hope. Even if I know it’s going to be a hard day I still prefer to hope for the best. Sunrise has become a symbol of hope for me. I watch sunrise as often as I can. I love the way that sunrise teases its debut with yellow and orange hues prior to the sun’s featured appearance. Sometimes I brew myself a cup of tea and sit quietly admiring the unfolding of the show it creates in the sky. Sometimes I say my morning prayers while watching the sun rise. Sometimes I take photos. Regardless of how I choose to acknowledge it, sunrise helps me to start my day with a smile. While I was always a fan of sunrise, it was not always a part of my morning routine. There was a time when I used to turn the news on first thing in the morning. I wish I had learned earlier in life that what I was putting into my mind impacted my mood. But now that I am aware, I intentionally curate my mornings. An alarm of birds tweeting instead of music or sounds. Prayer instead of scrolling through social media. Beauty instead of news. Exercise instead of laying in bed longer. Fruits instead of carbs for breakfast. But most importantly hope and gratitude instead of worry and dread. Now that I intentionally curate my mornings, I am better able to manage my anxiety. It grounds me to start my day this way. Although I still have challenges, my perspective has changed. I feel hopeful now, which allows me to be more grateful, which allows me to be more gracious and so on and so on. Intentional curation of my mornings has been a game changer for me. How do you intentionally curate your day? What benefits have you found?

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In Spite Of…

2 Comments / Uncategorized / 162831pwpadmin

I was diagnosed with anxiety about ten years ago but I have lived with it for all of my adult life and likely some portion of my childhood. I didn’t always have the language to describe it as anxiety, but it has always been around. Anxiety can show up for me as frustration, as anger, as sadness, as disorganization, as hives (oh the discomfort), as procrastination, as social awkwardness, sleeplessness, and a slew of other ‘ness’-es and ‘tion’s. It isn’t always easy to tell when I am anxious because physically I may look and sound the same. I may be able to show up and appear productive and engaged. But on the inside there is a fear gripping me like a vise; my heart feels like it is racing, I feel jittery and some times my head aches, my breaths feel shallow, and my hands shake. Sometimes it triggers feelings of shame and inadequacy, due in no small part to the unhelpful internal narratives I have internalized. Overall, in spite of an external calm, internally there is a great deal of tumult. The thing about anxiety is that for me it is always there in the background. There are days when it lays quietly in the background like a sleepy older dog. But on other days it leaps around with abundant energy and reminds me to worry and be afraid of almost everything and everyone on a never ending loop. On most days, there are some things that help me to manage my anxiety. But to be truthful, they are the things I don’t want to do on bad days. Exercise helps me a lot. A brisk walk. A bike ride or work out all help. Sitting near the water and allowing my breathing to match the rhythm of the water splashing against the shore is also calming for me. Laughing helps. Watching stand up comedians that make me laugh out loud are a good antidote for me. Sunshine. The brightness of the sun and the warmth of it on my skin also helps. Some days I have to take an anti anxiety medication to make it through the day. Everything is harder when I am anxious and it takes a lot of internal work for me to function without leaking on others, especially when I am simultaneously managing the expectations of other people. After many years of not being able to name what I was feeling, a few more trying to ignore it, and a few more locked in a shame spiral because of it, I have come to accept that anxiety is a part of my journey, not the entire journey but certainly an impactful part of it. Truthfully having a name for it and an understanding of how it works was a game changer. Like most things that feel disruptive, I don’t enjoy the debilitating symptoms, but most days I can recognize why they have appeared and use one of the strategies above to manage them. I am at the point where I don’t succumb as much anymore, I feel less shame and I dare to aim for peace in my life. On my journey to serenity, this chocolate girl is naming acceptance and management of anxiety as one of the essential items I carry with me. It is no longer a derailment or detour, though it can be a distraction at times. But I am journeying on to peace in spite of anxiety. I have accomplished many of my goals in spite of my complicated journey with anxiety and I will keep pushing for serenity too. Anxiety may not be your thing, but please continue on to your goal in spite of what ever your thing is. Don’t quit. You are totally worth it. Sidebar – my anxiety about posting this was also a journey I had to make, but here we are.

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