Insecurity Flare Ups

I think this photo is beautiful. But it almost didn’t happen because of an insecurity flare up.

Have you ever watched someone talk themselves out of an opportunity? What was your response? I ask not in judgement. But because it can be a hard balance to strike between encouraging someone and respecting their choices. On the one hand, maybe the person has legitimate reasons for not wanting to do the thing. On the other hand it could be that they are having an insecurity flare up. How do you know the difference?

I call them insecurity flare ups because I am not consistently insecure, but there are moments when unhelpful internalized messages play in stereo in my head and I become unable to motivate myself to try.

To be clear, I don’t know what insecurity flare ups feel like for other people. I can only speak for myself. When my insecurities are flaring they are strong enough to discourage me from things I know full well I can do. The tape recorder (Yes its a tape recorder. It is old and malfunctions but it refuses to die.) in my head some times gets stuck on a loop that convinces me I can’t.

In those moments, it’s like I am drowning in doubt. My vision is clouded. My confidence is sapped. And all I legit want to do is stay in bed and cower.

I have definitely missed out on a number of experiences because I have given in to insecurity flare ups. I don’t have many regrets, but I definitely regret those moments. So I had to learn how to put those flares out before they consumed me. Here are a few things that work for me.

I have learned to ask myself if I will regret not trying. Usually the answer is yes, but there are a few times when it was no but those are other stories for other days.

I also ask myself what I will need to get through it. Most times companionship works. At other times I need not just a companion but an accountability partner. At other times I need to be reminded of all that I have already been blessed to do, and the outcomes of prior attempts.

The last thing I ask myself is what is the worst that could happen. And I have be really honest about the worst that could happen, not dream up some dramatic unlikelihood. Usually its dealing with some sort of rejection. And although I am not a master of rejection, I know for a fact it won’t kill me. Now I think I have previously shared that I only take mild – medium risks, so if the risk factor is too high I might decline.

When I am able to answer those questions honestly, they act as an extinguisher for those flares. And I can usually peel back the covers and go do the thing that I was moments ago willing to not even try.

When I witness folks I am connected with struggling with what I believe to be an insecurity flare up, my instinct is to jump in and fix it. And by fix it I mean be an encourager, tell them how dope they are, reassure them of their greatness. But I have learned that helping them to change their own mindset is more impactful. To be honest, encouraging right off rip doesn’t work for me, because in the midst of a flare up I won’t really believe anything I am told. Now I ask them my list of questions instead of jumping right into encouraging mode. If, and when, they identify what they will need, I support them in finding it or provide it myself if I can. It feels more honest and more authentic to do it this way.

Supporting someone through an insecurity flare up could mean you may end up tagging along on their adventure. Sometimes those are fun, and other times you wonder why they even wanted to do that thing in the first place. But always you know that you are helping someone to get past a mental block that could, if given the oxygen, flare into a raging fire that precludes them from accomplishing their goals.