I was diagnosed with anxiety about ten years ago but I have lived with it for all of my adult life and likely some portion of my childhood. I didn’t always have the language to describe it as anxiety, but it has always been around. Anxiety can show up for me as frustration, as anger, as sadness, as disorganization, as hives (oh the discomfort), as procrastination, as social awkwardness, sleeplessness, and a slew of other ‘ness’-es and ‘tion’s.
It isn’t always easy to tell when I am anxious because physically I may look and sound the same. I may be able to show up and appear productive and engaged. But on the inside there is a fear gripping me like a vise; my heart feels like it is racing, I feel jittery and some times my head aches, my breaths feel shallow, and my hands shake. Sometimes it triggers feelings of shame and inadequacy, due in no small part to the unhelpful internal narratives I have internalized. Overall, in spite of an external calm, internally there is a great deal of tumult.
The thing about anxiety is that for me it is always there in the background. There are days when it lays quietly in the background like a sleepy older dog. But on other days it leaps around with abundant energy and reminds me to worry and be afraid of almost everything and everyone on a never ending loop. On most days, there are some things that help me to manage my anxiety. But to be truthful, they are the things I don’t want to do on bad days.
Exercise helps me a lot. A brisk walk. A bike ride or work out all help.
Sitting near the water and allowing my breathing to match the rhythm of the water splashing against the shore is also calming for me.
Laughing helps. Watching stand up comedians that make me laugh out loud are a good antidote for me.
Sunshine. The brightness of the sun and the warmth of it on my skin also helps.
Some days I have to take an anti anxiety medication to make it through the day.
Everything is harder when I am anxious and it takes a lot of internal work for me to function without leaking on others, especially when I am simultaneously managing the expectations of other people.
After many years of not being able to name what I was feeling, a few more trying to ignore it, and a few more locked in a shame spiral because of it, I have come to accept that anxiety is a part of my journey, not the entire journey but certainly an impactful part of it. Truthfully having a name for it and an understanding of how it works was a game changer.
Like most things that feel disruptive, I don’t enjoy the debilitating symptoms, but most days I can recognize why they have appeared and use one of the strategies above to manage them. I am at the point where I don’t succumb as much anymore, I feel less shame and I dare to aim for peace in my life.
On my journey to serenity, this chocolate girl is naming acceptance and management of anxiety as one of the essential items I carry with me. It is no longer a derailment or detour, though it can be a distraction at times. But I am journeying on to peace in spite of anxiety. I have accomplished many of my goals in spite of my complicated journey with anxiety and I will keep pushing for serenity too.
Anxiety may not be your thing, but please continue on to your goal in spite of what ever your thing is. Don’t quit. You are totally worth it.
Sidebar – my anxiety about posting this was also a journey I had to make, but here we are.
Do you think that the discomfort of anxiety may have driven your success? You know, the fear of not doing or being enough? Oh and kudos to using exercise as a tool.
Not likely, I was driven even as a kid and I don’t remember being anxious as a kid but it is possible. Either way, it won’t get in the way of me achieving my peace.