September 2024

The Clap Back

authenticity, boundaries, Wellness /

Why It’s Often Not Worth It This weekend after weeks of work related stress I finally took a moment to get to the beach which is where I fully relax. I had a great day, my shoulders dropped from around my ears and I was feeling good. When I tell you as soon as I came home I had a hurtful encounter that completely pissed me off, please believe me. All I wanted to do in that moment was clap back. It is only the fact that I know better that kept me from unleashing on the person with the full force of my tongue. So today, I want to focus on that moment when someone hurts you, and all you want to do is unleash your inner clap-back queen. Maybe it was a shady comment, a backhanded compliment, or just straight-up disrespect. Either way, you’re sitting there, heart racing, and the perfect withering comeback is sitting on the tip of your tongue, just begging to be let loose. But then, something in you knows…this isn’t going to help. And with a little disappointment at the momentary glee you would feel from being reckless, you rein your tongue in. Whew!!!!! Being the best version of yourself is not easy. But it’s definitely worth it. Don’t get me wrong. If anyone gets it, I do. When someone comes for you, the natural reaction is to defend yourself, right? I don’t know about you but I have the keen desire to show them that there is one, but I am not the one. But here’s the thing: clapping back might feel good in the moment, but for me it usually leads to regret later on. I replay it in my head and feel badly that what I said or did, is not at all aligned with my goal of being the best version of myself, and more than likely caused harm. Cause there is nothing nice about me when I am in clap back mode. The aftermath is just not worth it. Three things I hate about the aftermath of the clapback: So, what’s the alternative? How do you handle being hurt without letting the clap back energy rule? Here are a few strategies that help me. Please note none of this is easy in the moment, but it helps. When The Clap Back Energy Tries to Come to the Front: The first step is to pause. Yes I said pause. When someone hurts you, that immediate surge of emotion can cloud your judgment. But before you react with the clap back that lays them out in their permanent resting place – take a breath. Give yourself a moment to process what just happened. This isn’t about ignoring your feelings—it’s about giving yourself time to fully understand them so that you can respond thoughtfully. Tip: Count to ten before you say anything or take nine deep slow breaths (which is about 3 mins). You’d be surprised how much clarity comes in those ten seconds or three minutes depending on which you choose. Not every battle is worth fighting. Sometimes, people come at you leaking their own issues and baggage, and it has nothing to do with you. Ask yourself if clapping back will make the situation better or just escalate it. Example: If someone makes a snarky comment at work, think about whether it’s worth engaging. Will it change the situation? Or will it just create more tension? Key Question: Will this matter to me tomorrow, next week, or next year? If the answer is no, it’s probably best to let it go. There’s a difference between reacting out of hurt and responding from a place of strength. When you react, it’s impulsive. But when you respond, you’re in control. It takes a lot of discipline to stay in control. Responding can be silence or a mindful response, but the key is to respond in a way that is true to your highest version of yourself. Tip: If you need to address the situation, try something like, “I didn’t appreciate what you said, and here’s why.” Explain your why, if you choose to, and be clear about what you would prefer in the future. I find that we would rather display anger than admit hurt, but I am trying to be more honest about communicating when I am hurt. That means I now literally tell people when they are being hurtful if I want to maintain a relationship with them. Responding instead of reacting shows you’re not about to let anyone walk over you, but you’re executing the enforcement of your boundaries with grace so that you can be proud of yourself. This is really for you, not the other person. If the emotions are bubbling up and you really want to clap back, find a healthier way to release that energy. My go to’s are calling a friend, or hitting my punching bag. What ever you choose to do, choose something that lets you get the negative emotions out of your system in a way that doesn’t leave you with regret later. Example: I once had a situation where someone said something wild to me at work. I was ready to fire back, and I would have skewered them and I knew it. I chose not to respond. I called my sister fuming and she let me vent. By the end of the conversation, I felt better, I still had my pride and the means by which to pay my bills. That person however was never allowed inside of my safe space again. Clapping back would’ve done more harm than good for me in that moment. And setting boundaries was so much more productive. Tip: Can’t make a quick call? Go sit in your car and record a 5-minute voice memo rant on your phone, then delete it. Trust me, it works wonders for getting the frustration out without causing damage. Sometimes, the best response is no response at all.

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Real Connections, Real Joy

4 Comments / authenticity, Wellness /

How to Cultivate Deeper, More Meaningful Relationships Alright, let’s get real for a minute. You’ve got the career, the degrees, the accomplishments, the home. You’ve checked off all the boxes, and from the outside, life is looking good. But when it comes to the people in your life, the connections that should bring you joy? They’re just not hitting the way they should. That was me a few years ago. To be honest, I am an introvert so when my relationships feel off kilter that is a big deal. We all know that real joy comes from real connections—those deep, meaningful relationships that lift you up, not the surface-level ones that just take up space and make you take a deep breath before engaging with the person. You know that you know what I mean. But here’s the thing I had to learn; meaningful connections don’t just happen because you’ve known someone for a long time or because you see them regularly. They happen when you’re intentional, when you let yourself be seen, and when you focus on the people who really matter. I don’t know about you but for me that was a game changer. I had assumed that people pay attention to my needs in the way that I pay attention to theirs. Boy was I wrong. For the most part people are busy with their lives and they aren’t thinking about what you need, you have to tell them. When I changed my approach my relationships improved and I cannot lie, I was shocked that such a simple thing was the game changer. I have a friend that likes to tell me closed mouths don’t get fed. To be honest, I hate the phrase but in this case, it’s the truth. Anyway let’s talk about how I learned to build those kinds of relationships—the ones that leave you feeling filled up instead of drained – and maybe it can help you too. 1. Be Intentional About Your Relationships Listen, life gets busy. We’ve all been guilty of going through the motions, keeping up with relationships out of habit or obligation. But if you want to feel that real joy, you have to put some thought into who you’re spending your time with. Are you hanging out with people because it’s convenient, or because they truly add something to your life? This was a big one for me, because I am the type of person whose emotions are impacted by the company I keep. So I can’t be around folks who drain my energy. I knew that, but I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was spending time with people who were taking value, but not adding any. If that’s you here is what worked for me. What can you do?Take a step back and ask yourself: Who am I really connected to? Who makes me feel seen and heard? And who am I just keeping around because it’s comfortable? This is your life, —there’s no room for draining relationships. The people you spend time with should bring you energy, not just take it. I have big sister energy so I am always trying to help and nurture, but I realized I didn’t have balance. I needed people who would do the same for me. Action Step:Here is something you can do: Choose one or two people who you feel a true connection with and schedule time to catch up in a way that feels authentic to the relationship and you. Whether it’s a phone call, a coffee date, or just sitting on the couch choose a medium where you can be fully present with them and focus on building that relationship. Think about it this way, when was the last time you were truly listened to, or truly listened to someone without interrupting with a story of your own or with questions that piqued your curiosity. Try offering a deep listening experience to someone you value and watch what happens. 2. Create Space for Vulnerability Now, I get it—vulnerability isn’t always easy. Especially when you’ve been in control of your life for so long, letting someone see the “real you” can feel uncomfortable. But here’s the thing: real connections require you to show up as your full self. That’s the only way people can truly know you, and that’s where the joy comes from. Ma’am/Sir, this one was hard for me. Like I said, I have big sister energy, so I am not used to being the one who gets the help. But I had to learn to speak up and say what I needed, and wanted. I thought it would be so hard, but honestly because I was doing it with people who really cared, it was not hard at all. I just had to be brave and say it. So I did, I told people when I didn’t want them to be judgy, I told people when I wanted them to listen, I told people when things didn’t sit well for me. And it worked! I got what I needed from the people who cared. What can you do?Start small. You don’t have to spill your whole life story in one sitting, but try sharing a little bit more of what’s going on with you or about what you need the next time you talk to someone you trust. Tell them what’s really on your mind, whether it’s something that’s been bothering you or a dream you’ve been holding onto. Let them in a little more than you usually do. I did this with my younger sister and she was so supportive that I felt silly not doing it for so long. I was used to being there for her, but given the chance, she was there for me and it felt so good. Action Step:The next time you have a conversation with someone you trust, try sharing a small thing about yourself that you’ve been holding on to. It doesn’t have

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Behind the Scenes of My Blog: The Quirky Truths

9 Comments / Wellness /

Hey, y’all! 🎉 Ever wonder how the people who live in my head come together to produce this blog? Well, strap in because Linda at MindfulMigraine who was kind enough to ask me if I wanted to do this has tagged me in this challenge. So here goes more than you wanted to know about the bustling town of people that reside in my head and how they put this blog together. How Did You Come Up With Your Blog Name? Imagine this: a late-night brainstorming party fueled by a lively playlist and the ambiance only a cozy room filled with plants can provide with me bouncing ideas off my ever-patient partner, Rodney. Well that is not at all what happened. I actually got the name from a conversation I was having with a family member. I was telling her that I wanted to open a retreat center that catered specifically to the needs of black women. I couldn’t tell you who came up with the name Chocolate Serenity but there it was. I immediately knew it was the right name for the atmosphere I wanted to create in a physical space. Since I don’t yet have the funding to create the physical space, when I started this blog I opted to create that kind of space virtually. How am I doing? I love the name because it is catchy, meaningful, and it cleverly encapsulates everything I am aiming to provide for the women who read my blog. (No offense to the men who read but this is definitely aimed at a target population. I love the name, its a name that you’d remember like the chorus of your favorite song. If Your Blog Was a Person, Who Would It Be? If my blog sprang to life and walked around, I imagine it would definitely channel the essence of someone as iconic and influential as Maya Angelou. Picture someone with Angelou’s wisdom, grace, and wit, mingled with the engaging charisma of Oprah, and the sass of Whoopi Goldberg. Now, that’s someone who’d keep you hooked on every word, turning everyday observations into profound insights, all while making you feel right at home. Man, I kinda wish I could meet the personified Chocolate Serenity. She would be dope! What Helps You Create New Content When You Need Some Inspiration? When the muse seems to be on vacation, here’s how I coax her back: Is There Anyone You Would Like to Collaborate With? Oh, if dreams had wings! Collaborating with Susan Taylor, the legendary former editor-in-chief of Essence, would be a dream come true. Imagine blending her groundbreaking insights with the vibrant energy of this blog—now that would be something special! Do You Have a Specific Style of Blogging? Absolutely! My style is conversational—like having a chat with a good friend over a glass of wine or a latte. I aim to create a warm, inviting space where every reader feels seen and heard, like being curled up in a cozy living room where the conversation just flows. I want this to be a judgement free zone so I share my warts and try to keep the tone light so that hopefully it will resonate with my audience. But I really hate advice that tells you to be better without giving some tips for how to do it. So I always include some practical tips. Is There Anything More You Wish You Had or Would Like to Learn as a Blogger? While I adore the creative side of blogging and coaching, the promotional aspect? Not so much. If I could, I’d definitely use a Virtual Assistant (VA) to handle the marketing and social media. That way, I could focus more on what I love most—writing and connecting with my community. I do have someone working on my websites right now but that is another area that I am not super knowledgeable about but need to be. Wrap-Up So there you have it—the inside scoop on how the people in my head come together to create this blog. Whether it’s the calming waves at the beach, an intriguing new crime series, or a heart-to-heart with Bea or Coach, I am inspired by the life I live and I aim for authenticity always. What fuels your creativity? Got any quirky sources of inspiration? Share in the comments below, and let’s keep weaving stories together! So it is my turn to tag some folks, so I am tagging three of my favorite bloggers who haven’t already done this (as far as I know). Sincerely Jan, Sharon’s Writer’s Tidbits, Bunmiola Bakes, and KEGarland consider yourselves tagged to answer the questions above and tell us a bit more about your blog. All best. I really enjoyed this, I was having a terrible day and this cheered me up.

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Who Do You Say You Are?

4 Comments / authenticity, joy, Wellness /

Sometimes you can find yourself running on autopilot, only to realize you’re living out a script that feels a few sizes too small. I didn’t necessarily realize when this was happening to me. I just knew that I wasn’t happy. I was irritable and crabby and it felt like I was living someone else’s life. Truthfully I was mad at everyone else when the problem was really me. I was changing and the activities I was used to and the things that had traditionally soothed me were no longer working. In short I had outgrown my life, but I was clinging to that too tight uncomfortable life with a vise grip. I am not alone, it’s a common thing. Let me explain. Sometimes, we cling to old roles that don’t reflect who we are currently and we look around and think that the problem is everything and everyone but the person we see in the mirror. To change my too tight uncomfortable life, I did a drastic thing. I packed up and moved to a new state to start over alone. To be clear, you don’t have to be that drastic. You could start by updating our self-perceptions and truly embracing your most authentic self. It’s less expensive, but not necessarily easier. Update Your Identity Narrative To do this we have to agree on a truth and that is: our identities are not set in stone—they morph and grow just as we do physically. But often, we hang onto past versions of ourselves like we hold on to those clothes that no longer fit or are worn out because it’s familiar. I’m not judging you, I get it. I am inviting you to update your identity so that you can align your perception of yourself with who you actually are now, not who you were in the past. For me, the part of my identity I had been clinging to was not positive (shocker). I was operating from a place of fear and letting it limit me. Here’s how my therapist led me through the transformative process: Practical Strategies for Embracing Your Current Identity So like we talked about, shedding outdated aspects of your identity and embracing the current version of yourself requires intentional action. And you know I won’t leave you hanging. Here are some practical strategies to help you if you decide to make this shift: Navigating Relationships with People Stuck in the Past It’s one thing to update your own view of yourself, but another to deal with people who only see the outdated version of you. Now I am channeling all the good in me to write this part because these folks can be hella annoying and my first inclination is to shut down and stop engaging. But thankfully a part of my evolution has included being more gracious. So these strategies I am sharing below are ones that have worked for the new version of me. Here’s my advice on how to handle those who might not yet recognize the person you’ve become. Please feel free to choose what you like and leave the rest. Wrap-Up Ok, so we are at the end of another post inspired by my chats with my therapist. Who do you say you are? This was a powerful question ior me because it forced me to reflect on what was old, what was current, and how I was using outdated narratives and evidence to define myself. So here is my invitation to you – join me on this journey to shed old layers and celebrate the person you’ve become. Think of it as honoring your current self and making space for continued growth and new possibilities. Talk back to me. What aspects of your identity have changed recently? Share your experiences with me, or someone you love. Your story could be the spark that someone else needs. Let’s support each other in embracing our true, updated selves. I can honestly say that this work has helped me discover true joy and look forward to who I am becoming!

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