October 2022

Connecting to Nature

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As often as I can I take a walk to watch the sun rise or get to the beach to watch the sun set. It is so refreshing. What’s funny is that I am not an outdoor person. I don’t walk on grass unless I’m wearing closed shoes, and I definitely don’t sit on it. I hate bugs and don’t like being hot. So you get the picture. I am not one to extol the virtues of the great outdoors. Regardless of my aversion of the outdoors, the morning walks or evening walks near the water bring me joy. I love nothing more than a lazy day at the beach. Mind you I never get in the water, and I have to have my cabana cause I don’t like to be hot. But the proximity to the waves and soothing sound of them cresting on the shore calms me. In the morning when I walk I notice the birds, the leaves, the flowers, the rabbits and it all reminds me of how small I am in the world. And if I am small so are my challenges. So that morning walk sets me up for all I will face during the day. I never thought I’d be the one waxing poetic about nature. But it’s healing. There is so much more to life than my phone, computer, or work. That small pause daily reconnects me to my purpose and allows me to exhale.

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Centering Self

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Prior to the pandemic I was really worried about the grind culture we were living amidst. It seemed like happiness was an elusive concept, especially for people of color. It was like we didn’t feel we had the latitude to pursue joy, and we actually celebrated overworking ourselves. I was honestly worried. Mental health and wellness had just started to be prioritized but it had not taken center stage pre-pandemic. Grinding – working ourselves at unhealthy paces and levels – in hopes that our work ethic would counteract the racist tropes about us is exhausting, and unproductive. Lately I have become more hopeful. Let me tell you why. I hear people of color talking more about pursuing peace more often than grinding themselves into the ground. I see black and brown people opting out more often, and prioritizing their own well-being as opposed to opting in to other people’s opinions of them. I see traditionally marginalized people seeking work life balance and centering themselves more than over working and over booking themselves, even if it means shifting jobs or careers. I see and hear people of Latinx and black diasporas naming joy as a goal more than ever before. I am definitely celebrating this trend towards wellness, especially for people who look like me. Its refreshing to see us give ourselves permission to center us. Even though we always knew it was important, we are now organizing our lives so that we can connect to self. I see more brown people working out, eating better, and politely declining so they can rest. And I am overjoyed. I hope that this trend continues and we don’t lose the importance of centering our focus on our own health and wellness. I am glad because it pays dividends for us and it is setting the next generation up nicely. I see the younger generation naming when they are tired and taking the opportunity to pause, instead of pushing themselves relentlessly. I see them shrinking their circles to prioritize authentic relationships and being kinder to themselves and investing less in validation from others. I see them making the connections between their wellness and the wellness of the community. I see them identifying and avoiding toxic behaviors. It’s refreshing. This trend of black and brown people prioritizing self-care means we are making space to connect to self and work towards a healthier life. It makes me smile. People say we are our ancestors wildest dreams, I think wellness honors all their sacrifices and takes us one step closer to mental freedom.

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Besties

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I don’t know about you, but having a best friend to endure the obstacle course that was young adulthood made all the difference for me. There were questions I had that I wasn’t about to ask an adult. Not that the bestie knew the answers, but at least I could be open about having the question with her. Somehow we were able to navigate the gauntlets of high school, college, first jobs, and first apartments leaning on each other. We were connected. I am not unique. There are lots of best friend or friend group relationships that help young people to navigate life. And they rank amongst the top relationships during those young adult years. But things start to shift as folks begin to pair off, or pursue achievements that involve distance. There is a loss of connection with best friends or friend groups that occurs as a part of the growing up process that is not often discussed. While we are celebrating weddings and births and other key moments in each other’s lives, there is a simultaneous shift in the best friend connection, some more drastic than others. We go from having a crew, or at least another person, having similar experiences in young adulthood, to other responsibilities and commitments occupying primary roles in our lives. Yet, I have never heard of a mourning process for besties whose lives change and lose their connections. But shouldn’t there be one? The connections we make with our best friends can be critical to our development. In my young adulthood, my best friend kept me sane. She had my back and told me the truth. So when adulthood took us in different directions although there was a lot of happiness, there was some mourning too. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. And since relationships can’t be replaced, the mourning part takes time, for all parties in the friend group. To be clear, the relationship doesn’t have to end for the loss to be felt. Changes in the relationship can change the connection which could result in one or all members of the friend group feeling a sense of loss. Eventually I adjusted to not having the bestie from young adulthood in my everyday life, and we figured our a different relationship. It wasn’t as close and we didn’t share everything anymore, but we were still friends. Now I can look back at the memories we shared without a wistful feeling. But keep an eye out for the besties out there. At every wedding, baby shower, birth, or going away party there could be a bestie out there juggling the joy they feel for their friend and the sense of loss they are feeling, which is not a great feeling.

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Changing Seats

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Sometimes relationships can be like outfits, you outgrow them. I was always taught that people can enter your life for a reason or a season, and when that reason or season is over, be willing to let go. Well, that is easier said than done. Sometimes, letting go is painful, especially when you are the one who is being let go. Even when you are locked in a toxic spiral with someone it can be hard to see that. And if people tell you that your relationship is not serving you, whew!!! Let me just say, that conversation is for the brave. I rarely choose bravery in those situations. Generally when we think of outgrowing relationships we think of romantic relationships, but if I am being honest, the relationships I have had the hardest time getting over are the ones where you make true connections. And those are not limited to romantic relationships. You know what I am talking about – the friendships where you and your friend just clicked, they got you, and you felt at ease with them. You used to be able to talk about everything and anything and then one day things just changed and the connection was lost. The truth is, what seems like a sudden change, is generally the result of growth by one or both people over time. Growth is good, and although we miss people in our lives who grow in different directions, what if we reframed it. When we get the chance to be a part of someone’s journey and our connection with them changes instead of being angry about it, how about being grateful for what you experienced and learned from them. And if you’re sitting there saying you didn’t learn anything, then be grateful that you got the chance to teach them. I think being a teacher prepared me to accept temporal relationships. The very nature of teaching is that you will pour into someone for a set amount of time, and they will move on after that period of time. They may keep in touch, they may not. The relationship will necessarily change when they are no longer your student, and that is all ok. In fact it is expected. If you think of your life as a theater, people will occupy different seats at different points in your life. But just because some one isn’t in the orchestra rows, it doesn’t mean they are out of the theater. Maybe they just need to occupy a different seat. There are folks who need to be escorted out and never allowed to re-enter but that is a different post for a different day. Allowing people the latitude to move around the theater means you and the other person have the opportunity to learn and grow from a diverse group of people over time. So the moral of the story is that when you find yourself in a situation where you are outgrowing someone, or they are outgrowing you, don’t cling on for dear life. That generally does not end well. I may or may not have learned this lesson when I was publicly rejected in a New York City park as a young adult. It wasn’t pretty. Instead take some time to reflect. Here are some prompts that could help. Is the relationship serving both people? Can you each provide the other what they need while being your authentic self? Do both of you have the desire and the skill to meet the other’s needs? And if the answer is not yes to at least the second question, then maybe with a grateful heart, you can allow the person to occupy a new seat in the theater, or allow them to leave. It doesn’t mean they won’t ever come back. The ability to be yourself is so incredibly important, and having to suppress parts of you to be in relationship with someone is unsustainable. P.S. I am cool with the person who left me sobbing in that park. I mean we are not besties or anything, but I hold no animosity. It took a while to see that letting go was best for both of us, but I can see it now and am grateful that they insisted on letting go.

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Unexpected Connections

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On September 11, 2001 around 8 AM, I was sitting in a coffee shop in lower Manhattan, waiting for a co-worker. We were supposed to head to Brooklyn to meet with some folks at Brooklyn College. I don’t remember what I ordered. I do remember that the building rocked and there was a loud explosion. I had no idea what happened, but instinctively I knew it wasn’t good. I grew up in New York, and we New Yorkers are notoriously not fazed by much. I stepped out of the coffee shop and saw the smoke, and I knew this was a problem but had no idea the magnitude of what had happened. I don’t remember much about that day very clearly. I remember hearing the second explosion. I remember seeing what looked like white paper swirling ever so slowly in the air as if taking a slow motion trip to the ground. I remember being urged to leave the area by a police officer, well several. I remember being told that the subways had been shut down, and no trains were running to New Jersey where I lived. I remember wondering how I was going to get home to my young children – one was at pre-school and the other home with the nanny. I remember calling a friend to ask her to get my son from school. I remember trying to repeatedly reach my then husband with no luck. But that’s it, nothing else is clear. What I do remember very clearly about that day was the young black man who fell in step next to me as we were herded out of the area. I don’t remember what I said to him, but I remember what he said to me. He promised me that he would get me home to my children no matter what. It just so happened that he lived in New Jersey too, and he did just that. That man, who did not know me from a can of paint, made sure that he stayed right next to me as we figured out how to get home. Keep in mind there was only chaos, no announcements, no clear directions. We had to figure everything out as we went along. Ultimately, we had to walk from downtown to mid-town, get on a ferry, then get on a bus, but we didn’t know any of this when he made his promise. In fact, each step of the journey unfolded in a very clunky way as we took it. But he stayed right by my side, chatting and joking and keeping me calm when I thought the worst, never being inappropriate or asking anything in return. I did get home safely, but I never saw that young man again. In fact, I don’t even remember his name. On that day, in the midst of my fear and distress, he reached out and made a connection with me, a total stranger. And I was probably a complete mess. To this day, I remain grateful for that connection. September 11, 2001 was one of the most unexpected days of my life, and that man’s presence made a really hard day a lot more manageable. I have had a few opportunities to be blessed by unexpected connections. After that day, I learned to get, and remember the names of the people who blessed me, and to send a thank you. I will always regret not getting a chance to thank that young man in the days following 9/11. He made such a huge difference in my life, and it feels odd that I have no connection to him now. I wish he knew how grateful I was on that day, and still am now.

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Well Courage

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I remember standing in the middle of a life that I wasn’t enjoying. It was my life, but it was not the life I wanted. I wasn’t feeling the way I wanted to feel, in my own life. I was frozen for a long time, too afraid to make the call that I knew would make my life better. So I stayed. I hated most moments of it, but I continued clinging to the familiar because the alternative was facing the unknown. I wish I could say that this was a one time event for me. It wasn’t. It takes courage to make a change. And sometimes courage takes time. I eventually made all the changes to improve my quality of life. But I waited until things got unbearable to move. Somehow the sheer frustration of living an unbearable life outweighed the fear of the unknown and I made the moves I needed to make. Maybe that’s the way courage works. Some catalyst propels you forward and even though you’re scared, you move, because not moving is no longer an option, but that is an unstable way for me to live. I learned from living through those experiences. I learned that everything has a cost – material, spiritual, social, emotional. I also learned the costs I was willing to pay to get the life I wanted. It took me a couple of tries. Eventually I learned to move before things got unbearable and saved myself a lot of pain. Lately this has been coming up for me again because I am trying to make a change in one area of my life and I have to be courageous to make it. Although intellectually, I know I don’t need hero sized courage to make this change, fear makes everything feel like I need hero sized courage. So I am at the stage where I am psyching myself up, reminding myself that I deserve to live the life I want, and planning my path to that life. I am not yet ready to move. Wish me courage to make this change and I wish you courage for your journey too. People always make it seem like courage is some magical thing that happens in a dynamic moment. A flash of courage has been known to happen, but in most of those situations there is an urgent situation that calls for that type of courage. I call that adrenaline courage. But there is also courage that is built methodically over time. I personally think the slower build is better. I think of this approach like digging a well of courage that you can always draw on when you need it. The situation I am facing calls for me to go to the well of courage. But I won’t sit in a miserable life anymore.

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Shifting Our Perspectives

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In one of my professional lives I trained teachers. One of the things I taught those teachers was the research behind practice. Depending on what type of lesson you are teaching it could take as many as twenty-four discrete practice opportunities for a student to demonstrate fluency with the skill, or at least three practice opportunities to acquire a set of information. The other thing the research shows is that the best time to correct an error during practice, is at the point that the error is made. So what is the point, right? Well when we are starting a new thing, it might be helpful to consider the first few times that we do that new thing our practice opportunities. And better yet, how nice would it be if we viewed other folks’ learning curve through that lens? Many of us are returning to traveling and gathering whether for work or pleasure. But we may have to, or choose to, do that in a new way. What if we shifted our perspective to consider those first few times practice opportunities? That might allow us to be gentler on ourselves and others. Don’t believe me, think about the first few times you made a new recipe, or drove a new route. Chances are your first try wasn’t your best try. You probably made some mistakes. But after a few tries, you probably were able to not only perfect the task or the route, but to add a few of your own touches to it. That is the benefit of practice, it allows you the grace to make mistakes in a psychologically safe space until you develop fluency with the task. And that kind of safety frees us emotionally. One of my therapists (yes I have had a few), taught me to view mistakes as evidence that I was learning something new. That was THE single most freeing thing I had heard up to that point. Prior to that I had an obsession with getting everything right on the first try. Somehow, I equated being smart and capable with never making mistakes. And I was miserable. Miserable to myself, miserable to others, miserable to be around. Because who can get everything right on the first try. I interpreted that as failure and punished myself for failing. It was not a fun time for me. Shifting my perspective to thinking of my first tries as practice has been revolutionary. I am more gracious with myself, more encouraging to others, more patient in general (which is a small miracle), less anxious, and more willing to try new things. Now, I don’t let me or anyone else force unrealistic expectations on me. The illusion of perfection was a prison for me. Embracing the reality of practice gave me wings to fly and fuel to help others soar. As you begin your next new thing, try it out. View the first few times you do the new thing as practice. Let me know how it works out.

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Starting Over for Health’s Sake

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New beginnings can be exciting when you choose them. But what about when the new beginning is a result of a health related condition? When your body either starts, or stops doing something? Whether gradual or sudden, having to adjust how your body functions, and how you function in your body, can be a rocky new beginning. Learning that you have a health condition can be stressful by itself, making the necessary adjustments to correct or manage the condition can add to that stress. Oddly enough, we as a society don’t talk about that stress. The general sentiment is that we should celebrate being alive to make the adjustment. But two things can be true at the same time. We can be grateful that we are alive to make the adjustment and feel the stress of it. Adjusting to living with a health condition could mean changing what you eat, the frequency and intensity with which you do things, how you do or don’t use your body, adding medication, managing the side effects of medication, managing changes to your appearance and so much more. Some of these adjustments can be exhausting and downright scary. Yet there is not a lot of grace for folks who are starting those journeys. Health related life adjustments have become so normal that our empathy has decreased when folks have to make that pivot. It seems that we reserve our empathy for what we deem major illnesses, or for the elderly who have to make those adjustments. It’s as if there is a limited supply of empathy that must be reserved for special people or situations. I know it doesn’t feel like a big deal, but have you ever tried to give up sugar? There is hidden sugar in almost all of our foods. And yes I know that there are more sugar free options, but it isn’t an easy to find foods that fit that requirement. Not to mention the irritability and headaches when you first start out. How about taking a medication that caused rapid weight gain or caused your hair to fall out? Again, it’s not one of the things that is generally considered worthy of empathy, but imagine looking at yourself in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. And please let’s not do the thing where we pretend that our physical appearance doesn’t matter. When you become accustomed to seeing yourself a certain way, adjusting to a different version of yourself can be stressful. It doesn’t make you superficial, it makes you human. I won’t belabor the point, I just want us to save some empathy for folks whose health forces them on a new journey. Newness in general is hard, newness that you’ve been forced into is even harder. When it is health related there is an added dimension of angst because in addition to the new start, there is an element of concern about one’s overall health and often a sense of loss. Whether loss of control, loss of the perception of yourself as a healthy person, or the loss of your ability to function as you did before. All of it makes the journey a challenge. So, can we be kind to folks navigating this kind of new beginning? It someone else’s illness may not be what you consider a big deal, but it is a new start for them. What we know is all new starts include an adjustment period and some sort of uphill climb. The hill may be steep or relatively gradual but a climb is a climb. Please be nice.

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Life Hacks from Introverts

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The western world is designed for extroverts. Navigating western society can be excruciating. Don’t believe me? Think about this. What is the way folks in an office usually socialize? You guessed it – a happy hour. What is the way to meet new people when you move to a new community? Sign up for some group activity where you silently audition people in your head. If kids are involved, there is the obligatory function that you must attend – a concert, a birthday party, a meeting. For an introvert all of these activities, or others like it, are generally met with dread. While I hated the pandemic, it created shifts that finally favored introverts. Remote work became widely accepted; it was acceptable to have people keep their distance in public; declining invitations became understandable and expected to an extent; and people cut down or cut out large gatherings. As an introvert, I finally felt seen. Things I have been craving for most of my life became ‘normal’ – first and foremost – personal space. And don’t get me started with people not washing their hands, but I digress. Suffice it to say, it was not a great time for us collectively. Yes for me it was the first time I didn’t feel like an oddball for wanting to step back from the hustle and bustle of the world. The daily grind of life is draining and during the years of the pandemic we were willing to admit that. We shouldn’t have to consume large amounts of coffee, wine, or weed just to get through our days. I think the pandemic taught us some lessons that we introverts have known for a while. Lessons that I think could help us all live more authentically. I think for the most part we know most of this stuff, but it takes courage to buck the extroverted norms of our society. So if whether you are an extrovert or an introvert who has been trying to survive as an extrovert or somewhere in the middle, consider the points below. If you have an introvert in your life, they can likely shed more nuanced light on the points below. Declining an invitation is generally ok. One thing that was acceptable during the pandemic was to say no to an event for fear of contracting COVID. One lesson we can take as we begin to normalize COVID-19 is to center our well-being. Try treating your energy like a budget and planning how you will use it in advance. E.g. If you have to attend the obligatory large event, maybe balance that by planning self care time before and after the event to prepare and recuperate. Having a bubble to ensure your safety makes sense. Another thing that was acceptable during the pandemic was socializing with a select group of trusted people dubbed a bubble. Introverts generally have a bubble and tend to spend most of their time in some configuration of those people. It’s not that we’re running around screaming ‘no new friends’, but we prefer who we prefer. For everyone else, there is nothing wrong with maintaining a bubble now that the world is returning to its extroverted patterns. You don’t have to exclusively socialize with the folks in your bubble, but it is good to have a core group of people that you trust and who will tell you the truth, kindly. Time is precious, and should be cherished. The other thing that the pandemic taught us was to value our time. So many folks quit doing things that weren’t serving them, or started doing things that they had been putting off. I believe that the opportunity to make authentic connections is based on your own authenticity. What do you enjoy? What do you aspire to learn/do/be? What energizes you? I am sure someone somewhere has done the research, I haven’t in any formal way, but I have watched folks around me blossom when they became most comfortable with themselves. Instead of focusing on impressing and pleasing others, imagine how dope it would feel to be so comfortable with yourself that even your mistakes don’t bug you. It will probably either shrink or change your social circle but the folks in your new circle will be your ride or die people. Wearing a mask all the time, whether literal or metaphorical, is hard!!!! One last thing that I think the pandemic taught us is that masks are uncomfortable. Sadly, we have become a society that demands masks. Celebrities must be perfect in every way – not just good at their craft. Filters and fiction are ever popular on social media because we feel pressured to enhance our natural faces, bodies, lives to be accepted. Mistakes whether past or present, first or habitual, are met with equal amounts of vitriol and intolerance – grace is rarely extended. And opinions, especially the unsolicited ones are offered incessantly and many times cruelly. So it is natural to reach for a mask so that we can protect ourselves, but are we comfortable? How about this instead? Create your bubble, plan your energy, use your time to live authentically, and when you feel safe – maybe in your bubble – pull the mask down a bit. See how it feels. Observe who accepts you and who is willing to stay on the journey with you. Try removing the mask at different times and with different people. Try beginning again ‘post-pandemic’ by being more fully you.

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