Friends, please bear with me. There is a hurricane trying to make himself a house guest so I will be offline for a bit staying safe. Stay strong in your quest for joy and peace. We will gather there. I am rooting for you. With gratitude, nb
So you have set some boundaries. You got the courage up and told the folks who need to know. Hopefully you have been met with understanding and folks are honoring them. It’s nice if other people honor your boundaries, but truthfully the key person that should honor your boundaries is you. But it is hard, because as we previously discussed in an earlier post it can be both enlightening and lonely. When it gets lonely we often question ourselves and are tempted to roll back the boundary. It’s only natural and we must resist the tendency to be too hard on yourself. This is a marathon and not a sprint. It’s ok to adjust a boundary or abandon one altogether as long as it is your choice, and you are making it for reasons that you shouldn’t regret. Sometimes you try a boundary and realize that it doesn’t quite fit your need. It may be too harsh or too lenient. That’s ok. Adjust and find what fits. I will say this, setting boundaries across cultural lines or generational lines will probably result in some adjustment. Its also ok to have customized boundaries for different groups of people. There are privileges that you may want to extend to groups of people that you don’t want to extend to others. That is your choice. Ultimately this journey is about your physical and mental safety and well-being. If you slip and allow a boundary to be crossed, spend some time reflecting on why you made the allowance. Was it necessary? beneficial? intentional? accidental? Another thing to reflect on is how it made you feel. Whether intentional or accidental how did it feel when you did not honor your own boundary. How much personal capital di you have to forfeit? You may be tempted to judge or beat up on yourself. Resist the urge. This is a change process and change processes aren’t always smooth. Don’t invest in shame about it whether from yourself or someone else. Instead figure out why it happened. Similarly if you find that you were persuaded or coerced to relax your boundary for someone else’s benefit, please interrogate that. Some folks are deliberately manipulative and some folks are less direct about getting their own way. If you find yourself people pleasing, you will need to uncover why you are invested in pleasing others at your own expense. I will bet that it doesn’t feel good, so be honest with yourself about why you do it. Setting and maintaining your boundaries is only your responsibility. Other people may vary but you are the one that others will look to when they are determining if they should honor your boundary. On the other hand, no prizes will be handed out for sticking to a boundary that no longer serves you. Seek balance not perfection in this process. Give yourself and others grace to adjust as necessary. Choose what is important to you for yourself even if you have to fight for it. Fight for your boundaries if you have to. Make time to reflect on what is important to you, and look for alignment between those two categories. You are worth the work it will take you and other people to get this right. You are not too much, stuck up, sedity, or high and mighty. You are a human trying to have the most fullfilling human experience that you can. Best of luck on your journey.
Navigating the Journey Read More »
Other people’s perceptions. Whew. They are ever present and are always informed by their own experiences. When a person sets a boundary they are likely to experience other people’s perceptions, perspectives, opinions. What to do with them is always the money question. If you qualify as other people, this post is for you. At some point in our lives we are all ‘other people’. There are a couple of assumptions I will make about people who set boundaries. The first is that they thought through what was important and prioritized what were must haves and what were nice to haves for both health and well-being. The second is they weighed the cost of both setting and not setting the boundary. The third is they are/were willing to pay the cost of whichever action they choose. What that means is that while we (other people) are entitled to our thoughts and feelings about someone else’s boundaries, before expressing them it’s probably helpful to understand why we have that perspective. Are you reacting to and prioritizing your own wants/needs/issues/traumas? I will give you an example. Someone I love deeply chose a boundary for themselves and I was upset by it. But when I dug deeper I realized that I was processing their boundary as a rejection of me. I was centering myself. When I figured that out I was able to honor the boundary. Once you understand your why, you need to make a decision about what you will do with that perspective. You don’t always have to share it! Weigh the cost of both sharing and not sharing and decide if it’s worth it. And by that I mean, will sharing it help the other person or just you? Sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes it’s not. If you are sharing only to make yourself feel better, interrogate that before you act. In the example above, what I ended up sharing was the journey I had taken to honor the boundary, as opposed to my initial self centered perspective. For some people, doing the work of setting the boundary is hard emotional work and when it is verbalized there are still residual doubts or fears. If sharing your perspective will unnecessarily exacerbate those, is it really worth it? The other thing to remember if you are other people in this context, is that leading with curiosity could help you to understand why the person needed to create that boundary. Now curiosity is not the same as nosiness. You don’t need to know someone else’s whole life story to honor a boundary. What I mean by curiosity is how have they been impacted by not having the boundary and how will having it improve their lives. If you are the boundary setter, sharing your rationale with people upfront could help them to better understand your need and increase their investment in honoring your boundary. For other people in this context, please be empathetic. This work is not easy.
Other People’s Perspectives Read More »
Ghosting is not boundary setting. Ghosting is actually avoiding boundary setting. It may seem easier in the short term but ultimately it could rob you of the opportunity to name your boundary for yourself and others. To be clear, I am not on a soap box, I am just making the argument that ghosting should not be conflated with boundary setting. Setting a boundary with another person requires that they are actually made aware of the boundary. Ghosting is literally disappearing from the person’s life with no explanation. Some people argue that folks ‘should know’ when they hurt you or offend you. Seriously? Do you know every time you offend someone? With all the variations in norms, values, and communication styles are we really expecting people to inherently know something that is not stated? Obviously I disagree. I think unless you have in fact named for another person what hurts or offends you, you can’t assume that they know. Now whether you want to spend the energy of telling them or not is up to you, but please stop assuming they know if you never said it. There are a lot of hurt people limping through life just trying to make it from day to day. Chances are they are so focused on surviving that they may miss some cues and telling them could be a growth opportunity for them. I won’t pretend that we are always in the space to want to do the work of boundary setting. That’s fair. And truthfully, there can be a delicious sense of satisfaction that can be derived from never ever speaking to a person that has hurt or offended you. My argument is that you don’t have to ghost them. There are healthy ways to let people go, you can read about them on K. E. Garland’s post titled Monday Notes: How to Release People and Experiences. Ghosting is not sustainable. You can’t always ghost folks. For starters sometimes they keep coming back because they haven’t figured out that they have been ghosted. That is literally the worst. And depending on their role in your life ghosting may not be an option. As hard as it is, in most situations clearly stating your boundaries may get you the better outcome. But let’s set the record straight, stating your boundaries and expecting change are not synonymous. Setting the boundary makes your expectations clear – that is what you can control. Behavior change and reactions to you boundaries are totally up to the other party – you cannot control that. So what to do? I find that making a plan helps me. I plan what I will say, how I will say it, when and where I will say it (see more about it here). I plan for the response that concerns me the most and the response that I hope I will get. The response usually falls somewhere in the middle. I won’t lie, it takes courage and E-N-E-R-G-Y but avoiding takes energy too. The approach you choose is up to you – no judgement. Ultimately only you know what is best for you. But remember staying silent about a problem guarantees that it won’t get fixed, saying something at least gives you a 50/50 chance.
Which Choice – Ghosting or Talking? Read More »
Here is a fact, boundary setting can sometimes result in loneliness and grief. Drawing a line in the sand and telling folks not to cross it is your right. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated. However, just like you have choices so do other people, and sometimes they choose to disengage rather than honor your wishes. And when that happens, there can be a sense of loss. Now I know there are some people that we are glad to see go, but for the most part we as humans don’t like to be left. When someone leaves us or we have to leave someone there is a very real possibility, if not probability, that it will hurt. Even if the person doesn’t sever ties, boundary setting can also mean that you have to change the relationship you have with someone because they either can’t, or won’t, honor your wishes. That could mean changing the amount of time you spend with them, or the way you engage with them. It could also mean you choosing to walk away from that relationship altogether. Regardless of whether its a partial or complete loss, there is a sense of loss that can go along with the decision. If the relationship was a close one, or connected to other friends, family or co-worker’s, the change in the relationship could make group settings awkward. The hard part of loss that occurs from boundary setting is that there are no rituals to help bring closure. No one comes to take you out, to cheer you up, or bring you food. No one sends you cards, or comes over to sit with you. Very often, it is a loss that you experience with no days off or acknowledgement and very often with no support. Sometimes you don’t even feel or realize the loss right away, but when it hits that grief is still real. If you’re like me you turn it over in your head a number of times trying to make sure that you made the right choice. And when you determine that you have, it hurts all over again that the person wouldn’t or couldn’t honor your boundary. I think it’s important to mourn all losses; to give yourself space to be sad, or hurt, or angry, or whatever emotion comes up when you realize that someone that used to take up space in your life won’t do it in the same way anymore. That hurt is real and should be acknowledged and attended to. Give yourself time to heal. The relationship may or not be restored at some later date, but in the immediate you will need to recover. Losing parts of relationships or losing them altogether can be lonely. And if you are in the minority regarding the necessity for your boundary, that loneliness can be compounded. It can lead to self doubt, and even some shame. Added to that, you have to learn how to navigate life with this new boundary in place which means changing your own behaviors. If the person you had to walk away from or who chose to walk away from you was a part of your support system, you have to simultaneously navigate the loss of the broken or altered relationship while adjusting to the loss of their support. Although we like to believe differently, people are rarely all good or all bad, so chances are you will miss the person. Even if everyone in your life is celebrating the person’s departure, there is a probability that you will miss them. It’s ok. Unless they were completely heinous, there are probably parts of them that you enjoyed. Allow yourself the chance to mourn. Try to give yourself the space and time you will need to get past it. Regardless of their behavior, you deserve to be able to mourn. Someone else’s bad behavior doesn’t make you less human. Feeling a sense of loss is a natural part of separation. Acknowledging it helps to provide closure. I promise, you will heal and it doesn’t have to be immediate regardless of other people’s opinions. It’s par for the course when making the courageous step to set a boundary.
Boundary Related Grief Read More »
In recent years messaging about setting boundaries has become more and more prevalent. We are encouraged to set them, maintain them, not allow people to cross them. And although I agree that they are important to a healthy life, the messaging about boundaries is one-sided. It paints a sort of Disney Mary Poppins view, only focusing on the benefits and never really talking about the costs involved. Obviously, I disagree. I think there is room to talk about both sides – setting them is important AND it will cost you. When you set a boundary you essentially make a statement about what you will and won’t do or accept. It can be emotional just working up the nerve to make the statement, which is a cost all by itself. But there’s more, just making the statement can cause upheaval. And why is it that we are encouraged to believe that it as simple as positivity? The messaging is generally that the healthy people in your life will accept the boundaries without question, and those who don’t aren’t worth your time. Really? Who are all these healthy people milling around in our lives? Being healthy requires an incredible amount of work. How many people are actually doing the work? How many people even have the emotional bandwidth to do the work? And are we really able to disengage with everyone who doesn’t immediately accept our boundaries? Sigh. Realistically, I have found that setting boundaries takes initial work on the setter’s part. And with people with whom you want to maintain a relationship, the actual setting has to be done thoughtfully and with a willingness to remind them of those parameters for a period of time. (To be clear that period of time is not forever.) The truth is it takes people time to change. If they have gotten into a pattern or habit with you, making a change to honor your boundaries could take time and effort. Those who are willing to make the effort will get it eventually, but it will likely mean that you have to do the work of reminding them of the boundary and consistently honoring it yourself. Work. At the other end of the spectrum are the people who either do not or will not accept the boundary. These interactions can be HARD. Initially I think I experience disbelief when this happens, because if it is so important to me, and they care about me, how could they not see it. But people rarely take the time to see things from another person’s perspective, you generally have to guide them down that path. To further complicate matters, sometimes there are power dynamics at play, e.g. a child trying to set boundaries with a parent. When you have tried everything that you can – explaining rationale, impact and cost and have no luck, you are left with a choice. Accept it and do nothing or accept it and alter the relationship. Again, this is hard, because letting go of all or part of a relationship is work. Hard work. Heavy sigh. We have discussed folks on either end of the acceptance spectrum, but in my experience, most people’s reactions to a boundary don’t fall on one end of the spectrum, they fall somewhere in the middle. Whether because they are thinking aspirationally or due to lack of courage, most people don’t actively tell you no. They either say yes and fail to honor the boundary, or honor it inconsistently. Again leaving you with the choice of doing the work of reminding them of their agreement, or the work of altering the relationship. Sigh. Honestly, setting and honoring boundaries will be work for you no matter how it is received by others. It means you have to honor your own boundary consistently. If you don’t honor your own boundary, other folks will follow your lead. So set the boundaries, it is likely healthy for you to set them. But don’t go into it with rose colored glasses. It is essentially change management – you will have early adopters, folks who will change with time and coaching, and folks who will choose not to change at all. While being the boundary setter, you will probably be expected to manage the change for others as well. And I know someone will disagree and say you shouldn’t have to. I want to remind those people that cultures vary and boundary setting in most Western cultures looks very different than it does for those from non-Western cultures, and even those who straddle both cultures. The headline is that while it is worth it, there is work involved when you set a boundary. Please go into it with a clear eyed view of the effort and stamina it will require.
Me: observing the person struggle. Me: Would you like some help? Them (still struggling): No I got it. I had a decision to make in that moment. Do I continue to watch the struggle while doing nothing? Do I look away? Or do I go over there and help? I chose to walk over and help. The task got done faster than if the person had continued to struggle. What is interesting is that I recognized what was happening in that moment because I do it too. There are times when I choose struggle. Sometimes I choose struggle because I don’t trust the person offering the help. Let’s be real, everyone isn’t offering with a genuine heart so I feel justified in turning those offers down. Sometimes I choose struggle because I really want to figure something out on my own. And sometimes the only way the learning is in the struggle. But only sometimes. Most of the times that I choose struggle, is because the narrative playing in my head at that moment is telling me to refuse the offer of help without thinking it through, it is telling me to choose struggle. Why do I listen? I listen because the messages that I have internalized tell me that I have to prove myself worthy. The messages that I have internalized tell me that I am not good enough as I am, so I deserve to struggle. Somehow I had romanticized struggling and brainwashed myself into believing it made me independent. HA!!!! What it really made me was tired and anxious and at times resentful. It was not healthy. I used to believe that the reason that I didn’t accept help was because I had been a single woman and parent for so long. But that is not entirely true. What is interesting is that I am quick to offer help. Recently I read something that helped me to contextualize my refusal of help as the trauma response it was. I wasn’t shocked but I was fed up. I am not about being controlled and certainly not by unhealthy thought patterns. So I have been reassessing my responses to offers of help. Sometimes the automatic no still pops out of my mouth when an offer of help is extended. However, these days I am accepting help more often and guess what? It feels good to get help. Things get done better and faster and without the struggle. It’s a whole new world for me. Please note, I am still not adept at asking for help, but if you know me in real life and you offer help, there is a good chance that I am accepting. Breaking unhealthy patterns is liberating.
Why Choose Struggle? Read More »
Integrity. One word, only nine letters but the weight of it is incredibly impactful. Every time we are faced with a decision we have the choice to demonstrate integrity. I would never pretend that choosing integrity is always easy. Sometimes choosing integrity means you are going against the grain, making the unpopular choice and standing alone. I am not a romantic person who waxes poetic about the virtues of making the right choice. It’s hard if we are being honest. Integrity always costs something. Energy, acceptance, peace, time, companionship – the list could go on forever. So I completely understand that some times it is easier to fit in or just stay quiet because we don’t want to risk the cost of integrity. Sometimes we convince ourselves that the cost isn’t worth it. And there are times when that leaves us a bit uneasy, and there are other times it doesn’t bother us one tiny bit. Can we tell the truth? I am not here to judge. How could I? We are all human and I don’t always get it right. But the thing I am reminding myself of lately is that the systems that are used to oppress others only work because people look away instead of choosing integrity. They thrive on our choices to do what is comfortable instead of standing for what is right. Don’t believe me, watch? A group of people chose integrity in the summer of 2020 when a police officer used his power irresponsibly to murder George Floyd. What if they had chosen to look away? As a matter of fact, I have a better question. Do we think this was the first time that officer had used his power irresponsibly? Unlikely, but what is more likely is that others saw his problematic behavior and chose to look away. It may seem harmless to look away when faced with the cost of integrity, but is it really harmless? It may not cost us, but it costs someone, hopefully not their lives, but the point is that it is not harmless. Many of us are in positions of power in various parts of our lives. What is the cost if we don’t demonstrate integrity, and who pays it? Systems are maintained by people, and when we let our integrity slip, oppressive systems thrive. I can’t determine for anyone if, and when, they should choose integrity, but I do know that even if you don’t pay the cost, someone will. Integrity is not an abstract or nebulous concept, according to the Oxford dictionary it is the actual practice ‘of being honest and having strong moral principles’. I would like my legacy to be that I engaged and spoke up and that I was a person of integrity, I don’t want to be the person who looks away and allows someone else to pay the cost. This doesn’t mean that I will be Don Quixote tilting at every windmill (Do people still know what that means?), but when I am in positions where I need to speak up, I will.
The Cost of Looking Away Read More »
Last week something happened at work that completely irritated me. If I am being honest, I was fire hot. Like so annoyed I was probably turning shades of purple. I reacted. I am not proud. I said something in an exasperated tone to someone on my team. It was a mistake for several reasons. First, there was a power dynamic. I am the manager of the person’s manager. Second I was angry. In my case speaking in anger is never a great idea, unless I want to burn the relationship to the ground. Third we were in a group setting, so my less than friendly tone was abundantly clear to people from various teams. Luckily for me there was at least one person in that space who cared enough about me to tell me the truth. Honestly and clearly, she told me I was hard on the team member. I trusted her enough to listen. Don’t get me wrong, it did not feel good to get feedback, no matter how thoughtfully delivered, that I had potentially hurt someone. I took the feedback. But let me be clear, taking the feedback didn’t make me less angry. If I am being honest, it probably made me angrier, because in addition to feeling offended, my pride was hurt. Yet I had to own my stuff. I had to swallow the aforementioned pride and repair the damage. The meeting we were in at the time of the offense is a standing meeting with a variety of members from teams I manage. This means the team member would have to see that same group of team members every week after being publicly humiliated. After my reaction, it could have become an uncomfortable and unfriendly space, after all that is what I had modeled. So at today’s meeting I apologized. I could have apologized privately, but I felt that the offense had been public, so the apology needed to be public. Of course by today I was no longer angry, but I wasn’t sure of what impact of my words and tone had had on the team member. I apologized to let the team member know that regardless of position, on this team when we injure, when we make mistakes, we own them. She accepted my apology and thanked me for offering it. She didn’t have to. In the moment of the offense I was self-centered and focused on my own emotions. She could have been just as self-centered and focused on her own emotions. I am grateful that the team member accepted the apology. I am even more grateful that my friend gave me the feedback. I am grateful that I was able to hear and accept the feedback. Celebrate people who tell you the truth. Those are the ones who really care about you. Be humble enough to accept that your intentions don’t have to be negative to have a negative impact on someone. Own your stuff. When you are wrong own it. We all make mistakes, but what we do after the mistake speaks volumes about our character. Understand your power and privilege. I was tempted to make excuses for myself to avoid apologizing. It would have sounded like this. ‘Even as a team leader, I am fallible and flawed’. But here is the thing, so is my team mate. She made a mistake and got publicly chastised. I made a mistake and got private correction. So that public apology was important. She needed to know that despite position and titles, I recognized that I had not treated her well and was sorry about that. I don’t know where she and I will go from here, but I do know that I have a bridge to rebuild. Annoying stuff will happen, but it doesn’t justify offensive behavior. And on the occasions that offensive behavior surfaces it is important to repair the damage.
Repairing the Damage Read More »
